I just know I'm bipolar.... I can't explain this any other way!

Well, here we go again.... Today was what you might call an "emotional roller coaster." I was late to school this morning, which sucked, but Mme Gillot didn't notice, so I didn't have to get a pass (and thus, get detention). At least, if she noticed, she didn't say anything. I got a 90 on my American Cultures quiz, which actually isn't that bad for me, and I understand the junk that we're doing in Geo. Unfortunately, we had to revise our Communications papers (I got a friekin' 80!!), and that sucked. Of course, food power was as dull as ever. I don't know how I stay awake every day in that stupid class.

Lunch was, well, interesting. It started out fine, with me studying for my bio quiz, but it ended with me trying to make my friends understand that my "beloved" aunt might be moving back here. I failed my bio test.

Then I had a vocal lab. I was supposed to have a driver's ed test, but he moved it to tomorrow. So I got to go be the only soprano in a vocal lab with Jenn, Becky, Porche, and Rosie. It was actually kinda fun. Then, of course, choir. Mrs. Wagner was being her normal obnoxious self. She wore a skirt today with a slit up to calamazoo, and you should've heard all of the bass's stupid comments. It was sooo funny!

Study Period I went up to her room to "practice." I sang one song, called Misty, and started bawling like a baby. It's a good thing I holed myself up in the piano closet, because I cried all period. I cried over Aunt Glenda, Aunt Caterina, over everything that I just found out. I cried because I miss Uncle Wally and Aunt Glenda so much.... because he's not even my uncle anymore.... because I can remember his laugh, and his cough, and his rattling pretzal bag. I can remember her "sweet" demeanor, how much she always used to cater to me and make me feel special. I remember going shopping with Nicholynn and Megan... I hear their voices in my dreams, and wake up sobbing because I'm afraid I'll never hear them again. I remember playing school in their basement with Megan, or making T-shirts with them (which I still have, by the way)..... I remember Honey Bear, and Hobie the beagle, and the smell of their house, and the layout, and the furniture.... dang it, I remember the friekin' colors of each individual room!! And I miss it all so much. I just wish that life would go back to the way it was. And then I cried because I was (am) angry at Aunt Caterina for not telling us that Glenda stopped to visit. No, I found out from my 8 and 9 year old cousins, who shouldn't have to be going through any of this. I found out that my aunt may be moving back to Mifflinburg, and anyone I talk to says that's a good thing; now we can reconciled and life can go back to the way it was. What don't they get about this? It will never be the same! And I'm not sure I can even talk to her, much less pretend that nothing is different.

After I spent the whole 1/2 hour crying, I went to my locker and did play practice. That, at least, went well. I did the entire act without my book, and, although it could've been more dramatic, it was good. Play was over at 5:30.

Then I got my concert blacks on (YAY!!!!!) and did my hair and make-up to go sing with Mrs. Wagner. She needed people to sing with her, and she asked me, Jenn, and Becky, just the three of us, to go with her. So we spent some time getting ready, and when we got there, we had a great time singing. There were a few people we knew there (like Mrs. Gillot!), but since we were just background music, it wasn't a very big deal. Still, it was a lot of fun, and then Mrs. Wagner drove me home and now I'm sitting here, still in my concert attire, wondering if I'm truly happy or sad, angry or scared or worried or ecstatic.

I swear, I MUST be bipolar!

Memories

Here's to you, Megan dearest, for reminding me of these. Also to Nicholynn, Courtney, and Britney, my other wonderful cousins. Don't ever forget the good old times!!! Obviously, many circumstances have changed over the years, but this is a reflection of the past, and will always stay that way. Most of my 8-year-old mistakes have been left in to add to the "nostalgia," but I did seperate paragraphs and dialouge. Originally, this was one HUGE paragraph.

The Wedding Ring

"There, how's that?" Nicholin Keefer, commenly known as Rae, said to Thomas Cole, her fiance. Tom was a weatherman. One time Rae called him on the phone and told me it was her boyfriend, but I didn't believe her. Now she's marrying him in a week. I was ten at the time. When I sleptover at her house I loved to look at her engagement ring. It was very fascinating.

I was filled with dreams of weddings and kids. Rae said soon I'd be wearing a ring. It was hard to imagine. Soon the day of the wedding was here. Rae rushed around getting last-minute things together. Then it was time for the wedding to begin. I watched as Thomas took his place at the front of the church. I could tell he was nervous by the way he kept glancing toward the door. Suddenly the saxophone played telling Rae it was time. Everyone turned around. There she was, Nicholynn. she was beautiful in her simple yet elegent ivory gown with a long train and sleeves. The ceremony took so long. Then finally, rings. The ring was a simple diamond. It fit right into the engagement ring. "You may kiss the bride. I give you Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Cole! It happened so quickly. Now Rae was married and gone. Of course she now lived in the house three down from mine. I visited almost every day after school. Even though Rae was married she didn't change much. That next August it happened. I went to her house like usual but when I knocked no one was there. I ran home and called the hospital. When I asked for Nicholynn Cole she hooked me on. Tom answered.

"What happened!"

"Whoa, you're Jade right?"

"Yeah, sorry."

"Okay, Rae is fine. If you want to come down you can ."

"Okay bye"

When I got to the hospital and found out what room Rae was in I went right away. What I found surprised me. Nicholynn was in the maternity ward! There laying beside her was a little bundle. Rae greeted me. "Hello Jade, come meet Bilbo." And Tom held a beautiful baby boy up for me to see.

"Oh, he's wonderful." I glanced at Rae. S

he said "go ahead!" So there I was with little Bilbo when suddenly the phone rang. I wondered who it was. Then Rae handed the phone to me.

"Hello."

"Hi Jade this is Meg. I want to tell you something."

"What?"

"Bebo proposed and I want you to be my junior bridesmaid!"

"Really?"

"Yes!"

"Oh Meg."

"I wanted you to know. What are you at the hospital?"

"Ask Rae." So I said good-bye and gave the phone to Rae. Soon Meg and Rae were talking about weddings so I got up, said goodbye, gave Bilbo back to Tom, and left. The next few weeks were very busy. I loved shopping for our dark plum dresses. Rae, Courtney, and I were bridesmaids, and Cousin Brit, age four, was the flower girl. The dresses looked lovely. Soon I heard the music that meant we were to come. We went and stood up front. Then, scales from the Moonlight Sonata. Meg was coming. She looked dazzling in her ivory organza bell skirt with an ivory flowered top and short sleeves. Finally the preacher said "rings." I looked at hers and saw it was Rae's but Rae didn't look upset. At the reception I sat between them. I ask Rae why she didn't have the ring. She said she wanted to pass it on through the family. "OH!" Now Courtney was only 15 so no more weddings yet. In November Rae had her second child and named her Lucy. I was so excited. I would be eleven next month and I offered to baby-sit and said she needed a sitter. In January, 2003 Megan had a baby girl and named her Courtney Sarah. Courtney after her cousin. She nick-named her Sare. And I babysat for her too. Courtney's birthday was in March, she turned sixteen and got a driver's liscense. In August Bilbo turned two. There was a surprise party for him. He was adorable. In December Rae really had her hands full. She had twins, a boy and a girl. She named them Peter and Susan. With kids like a stepping-stool, two, one, and two a few weeks I had to keep them off the stepping-stool!

In May, 2004 Meg has twin boys, Bebo and Bilbo. She called them Bee and Bill. In March on her birthday Courtney received a proposal from Greg Thomas. She called me and said she was getting married and was going to live next to me! In 2007 Courtney married. Again I was a bridesmaid. This time I wore peach. Dad didn't like it though. In her red dress and black flat shoes she was the most independent bride I ever saw. I noticed that Megan had passed on the ring as we sat at our table. In two years Courtney had a girl. She named her Mackenzie. Boy, was I busy baby-sitting. I would try to sit whenever I could but my schedule went like this:

Coles Mon.

Normans Tues.

Thomas Wed.

It worked pretty well. In 2011 Courtney has a boy. She named him Matthew, Matt for short. By then I got myself a job as a baby-sitter, kids ages one month - five years. And of course family. That August Nick Vidunas proposed. I said yes. I asked Lucy and Bilbo to be my flower-girl and ring bearer. Nicholynn, Megan, and Courtney were bridesmaids, and Britt was a junior. I took them to find dresses. What we picked were lavender empire-waist dresses with three quarter length sleeves. My dress was ivory with artificial rose buds on the neckline. It had a three foot train that dragged on the ground. I wore a tiara viel that covered my face. I carried pink roses and baby's breath. I was nervous. My cousins told me it would be fine. And it was. Nicholynn started walking up. Finally I heard "Sunrise, Sunset." The rest of the wedding went quickly. Soon it was over. In July I had twin girls. I named them Anastasia and Abigale. Anya and Abi for short. In 2014 I had another girl, Morian. Finally in 2015 I had a son, Elliot. I now wear the ring, but Britt's only twelve...

He he he. That was hilarious. I can't believe how horrible the grammer is! Oh, my gosh. Oh, well. Memories are great, aren't they? I've still got my wedding planned (different than what it was), but I've added baby plans, house plans, and, of all things, funeral plans! I think I'll start posting them, just for the heck of it.....

Hanging the nearest tree.... mentally.

How many more hysterectomies do I have to deal with? I'm so afraid. Today was Aunt Caterina's hysterectomy, and I couldn't be with her, I had to be with her kids. I kept having flashbacks of the day I skipped school to stay with Megan at Hershey. I was so afraid, I felt so nervous. I didn't know if she would live or not; I had no clue how risky surgery would or wouldn't be. I didn't know if I'd ever see Megan again.

Now today, with Aunt Caterina, I knew that it wasn't going to be a huge deal. But I was still frightened and anxious... and, I'm ashamed to admit, as worried about my own future as I was her own experience. I'm afraid I'll never have children. Ever. Oh, and I also found out that my mother had a hysterectomy... and NEVER BOTHERED TO TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!!

Lately, everything from the past several years has crashing back to me. I've heard that Aunt Glenda (dare I call her that?) has moved again and that she isn't with Justin anymore. This of course, was a rumor by way of Devante, but no one else has bothered to tell me anything. I haven't seen Uncle Wally - who's technically not my uncle - since he moved. I only talked to him once. And now Nicholynn and Megan are moving even farther away, and I thought I was mature enough to deal with it. I'm not as upset as I was the first time, but I feel like a piece of me is taking a world tour... while I stay here in Boredom-Heartache County. I miss my old life. A lot.

And I miss Zack. I know Jenn thinks he's pathetic and thinks this is just a passing crush, but I think I truly love him. Would I miss him this much if I didn't? I don't think this longing, this yearning to see him again, would be possible without love.

And I long for New York. I long for my precious Broadway, for my dear, dear city.

My heart is broken into a million pieces, each one being torn a different way. Figuratively speaking, I'm hanging from a sturdy tree with a frayed rope around my neck, the very life squeezed from within me. And I just want to curl up and cry. But I don't want to cry alone.... I want to tell someone, anyone, what's happening, why I'm afraid, why I wish to get away from it all. I want to be free from all of this. I want to fly, fly as far away as possible. And, when I get wherever I'm going, I want my sweet Zack to be waiting there for me. I want the past behind me, crushed into a thousand pieces, and only our future - his, mine, and ours together as one - laid before me, a pathway of diamonds glittering in the starlight of a perfect evening. Oh, if only I could soar to my dreams, leave all that binds me, and live.... truly live.....

The "Spice" of summer

My hair is my normal color right now, but this summer, as I wrote about, I dyed my hair pink. Here, finally, are the long-awaited pictures! Sorry they're sideways, there's nothing I can do about it! ;)