Oh my gosh, Christmas vacation........... no Zack! Oh, wouldn't he have been the perfect Christmas gift? Oh la la.......
I miss him. A lot.
I miss a lot of other people, too. Four, to be exact. You can guess who, I'm sure. Golly, I want a time machine!!!
EDIT: check out my work, pretty please, at http://work-inluvwitheb.blogspot.com/
I'll just keep swimming down, down, down. There's no point in trying to reach dry ground, I'm drowned.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Dump the Pumpkin
Here's to you, Zack. Je t'aime!! <3
I loved you once in silence
As the old song goes
And in silence I love you still
Knowing you do not feel the same
I can feel your eyes
Drilling deeply into my soul
Searching the depths of me
Trying to find my secret
I see your smile
Taunting me, tricking me into trust.
You know my heart pounds
When you smile at me.
Your tricks have worked
I love you more each day
And each day my love
Makes my heart break anew
An innocent embrace
Caused me to fall
I've lost my slipper
Prince Charming, please take me to your ball!
Realize that it's time
To let the pumpkin go
Look up from the others
And see that I've entered the room
Is that you, my prince?
I ask each day
"Oh, God, let it be!"
But, no...
A secret glance
A suppressed giggle
A teary eye
Is all that I dare give you
Oh, my dear
You danced with me once
Won't you please
Please take me in your arms again!
Oh my dear prince
My heart is broken!
Cinderella has arrived!
It's truly time...
Dump the pumpkin!!!
I loved you once in silence
As the old song goes
And in silence I love you still
Knowing you do not feel the same
I can feel your eyes
Drilling deeply into my soul
Searching the depths of me
Trying to find my secret
I see your smile
Taunting me, tricking me into trust.
You know my heart pounds
When you smile at me.
Your tricks have worked
I love you more each day
And each day my love
Makes my heart break anew
An innocent embrace
Caused me to fall
I've lost my slipper
Prince Charming, please take me to your ball!
Realize that it's time
To let the pumpkin go
Look up from the others
And see that I've entered the room
Is that you, my prince?
I ask each day
"Oh, God, let it be!"
But, no...
A secret glance
A suppressed giggle
A teary eye
Is all that I dare give you
Oh, my dear
You danced with me once
Won't you please
Please take me in your arms again!
Oh my dear prince
My heart is broken!
Cinderella has arrived!
It's truly time...
Dump the pumpkin!!!
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Happy Forever After
And now, new today, one of my short stories for your reading pleasure. Please read and enjoy!! Leave comments!! I love comments....
It was dusk. The crickets were singing merrily, and the breeze was dancing to the summer night's music. My sister was playing along on her mandolin, her husband Ben sitting at the desk managing the Dourside taxes. I sat at my needlework, penetrating not only the tough fabric but my finger as well, when there came a knock at the door.
Lyssa ceased her music and answered the door. “Yes, My Lord?”
“My Lady Lyssa, I'm requesting an audience with the Lady Elyzibeth, if I may?” My breath caught in my throat. Phillip. My heart began to beat faster as he strode through the door. His dark hair gleamed, and his face shone with such... I don't know... love, and romance, and daring! The thought of the Earl of Devenport made my usually pale face blush a bright crimson.
Lyssa curtsied and closed the door to create a direct path towards me. Phillip stepped closer and made a low bow. I extended my hand to him.
“My Lord, what an unexpected yet much wished for visit,” I murmured, afraid that if I breathed he would be gone as if in a dream.
“Elyzibeth, I feel it is time to shed a little light on our relationship,” he glanced at Lyssa, then at Ben, who was watching us out of the corner of his eye.
“My Betha, you and I have been seeing each other for a long time and I now feel the moment is right. Lyzzi, will you consent to forever being the Lady Elyzibeth of Devenport, and residing there as... my bride?” Lyssa and Ben darted a quick glance at each other, then looked back at me. I looked away from Phillip's mirthful blue eyes, feeling my own joyous laughter bubbling up inside of me.
I turned back to him, and with all the dignity I could muster, replied, “Yes!” before falling happily into his arms.
I looked up, dazed, expecting to see Phillip's shining eyes gazing down on me. However, all I saw were the staring eyes of the overseer, dark and brooding like the ocean during a storm.
I fell to my knees, fearing for my life. The overseers did not understand my sudden flashbacks, and neither did my master or his mistress.
“I'm sorry, sir, I did not mean to!” I cried, groveling before the foreboding man. “It will not happen again, I swear it!”
“That's what you said before,” his voice sent chills down my spine. “Why should I believe you anymore this time than I did the last?”
Trembling, I replied, “I swear it will not happen!”
“I'll see to it that it doesn't.” The shadow of his arm raising the whip to strike me crossed the sun, and the deafening noise of the whip startled me into tears.
“No, please!” I cried. Craaak, went the whip. The leather tore through my clothes, ripping at my flesh. I screamed, which only enticed the overseer to hit me harder. I was given twenty lashes, at which point he turned and walked away. I stood, blood streaming down my back as my friends rushed to help me.
“Chile, what's wrong with you?” old Sadie muttered as I staggered toward our shack.
“I don't... don't know,” I wept. My back ached as Sadie's spindly old hands tended my wounds. I reached for her arm, gazing into her ebony eyes. “One day,” I said, “One day I'm going to be free again. When Phillip comes for me, I going to set you free too, you understand? We'll all be free, as God intended us to be.”
“Lordy, Chile, how you think you gonna do that?”
“I know exactly how, Sadie.” I winced as I laid myself down on the bed again.
“Yes, ma'am, girl. You know how's you gonna be getting' freed, you come back n' free me, too.” We fell silent, her chocolaty arms comforting me, telling me I could succeed.
I went to bed that night, scared of what was going to happen to me. Would Phillip come for me like I thought? If he did, would the master sell me to him? Or would my fiance` have to use force or his title to bribe my captor? The questions continued unanswered as I dozed of and began to dream.
The man crept into my room through the window, while I slept unaware. I awoke to find a sweaty handkerchief in my mouth . I tried to scream but could not. I was trapped. I saw the hand grab me and felt myself being slammed against the wall. Then everything went black. The next thing I knew I was in the hold of a ship with two hundred moaning Africans. The wailing was too much. I shrieked, but the sound was muffled by a large white hand. My captor was old Henry Darnsworthy, the man who Ben replaced as Lord of Dourside. He whispered, “First the lady. Then her husband,” and cackled wickedly. He had obviously mistaken me for my sister, who, judging by the number of Africans I was surrounded by in the hold of a ship, would be sailing for a slave market in the New World.
I awoke sweating. I hadn't dreamed of my capture in months! What was going on with me? I gradually fell back to sleep, but it was not the peaceful rest that I needed.
The next morning one of the household slaves came to me with the astounding news: there was a white man, “Like you Lyzzi!” Essie reported, amazed, who was signing the papers to purchase me at that very moment! My heart immediately sang out my beloved's name, and I leapt from the bed despite my injuries. I went as quickly as I could to the master's house, running to his study. I forgot to knock (something that is fatal to forget) and rushed right into the burly man who turned to grasp my arms. I shrank back. This wasn't Phillip! What cruel trick had been played on me?
“Come on,” the gruff voice commanded.
I gulped. “Yes, master,” I replied weakly as I lowered my head and backed out of the room.
We left immediately after I gathered my few belongings and said good bye to my friends. He can't be too bad, I thought, if he lets me tell my second family good bye.
“I won't forget you,” I whispered to Sadie as we embraced, tears in our eyes. I would've said more, but I was whisked away into my new owner's carriage.
Imagine my surprise when we drove to the shore where a boat waited to return us to Europe. We boarded and spent many days traveling across the sea, but I spoke not to the man who had taken away my second chance at freedom.
We landed on the British shore where yet another carriage waited to transport my captor and I to, I was sure, his castle. I was paying little attention when the horses stopped at Devenport on the Scottish border. Lord Edward (as I learned was the man's name) led me to exquisite rooms fit only for a person of my former title, not a slave. I was treated like royalty then left to spend the night alone with a bodyguard (for a slave? I thought) next door.
The morn of the next day I was greeted by a chambermaid bearing a gown of sea green and ivory. I allowed her to dress me in it for the breakfast meal with the Earl of Devenport.
I was seated by a page in vermilion and sapphire livery. Lost in my own world, I did not notice when everyone else stood and the Earl entered. He crossed to where I was seated and kissed my gloved hand. Startled out of my daze, I looked down on the strong face and azure eyes of Phillip James Eli, Earl of Devenport, who raised me up and kissed me sweetly, at which point I promptly blushed a bright red.
“Lyzzi,” he said, “Do you still want me?”
“Yes!” I breathed. “With all of my being!”
“Then let us proceed to Dourside where we shall be wed as soon as you wish, my lady.”
I didn't speak. I simply threw my arms around him and kissed him again.
Thus, what began as pure bliss turned into tragedy, yet was worked out for the good of all. Yes, I remembered dear Sadie and the rest of the slaves. When the owner of Jacobson Plantation died shortly after Phillip and I were married, my darling husband bought the place and freed all the slaves, giving it to his sister and brother-in-law; Lord Edward and his wife Lady Katherine (he's forgiven me for my treatment of him on the journey, and I'm quite glad).
So Lyssa, Ben, Edward, Katherine, Phillip and I all lived happily forever after, along with my freed family.
It was dusk. The crickets were singing merrily, and the breeze was dancing to the summer night's music. My sister was playing along on her mandolin, her husband Ben sitting at the desk managing the Dourside taxes. I sat at my needlework, penetrating not only the tough fabric but my finger as well, when there came a knock at the door.
Lyssa ceased her music and answered the door. “Yes, My Lord?”
“My Lady Lyssa, I'm requesting an audience with the Lady Elyzibeth, if I may?” My breath caught in my throat. Phillip. My heart began to beat faster as he strode through the door. His dark hair gleamed, and his face shone with such... I don't know... love, and romance, and daring! The thought of the Earl of Devenport made my usually pale face blush a bright crimson.
Lyssa curtsied and closed the door to create a direct path towards me. Phillip stepped closer and made a low bow. I extended my hand to him.
“My Lord, what an unexpected yet much wished for visit,” I murmured, afraid that if I breathed he would be gone as if in a dream.
“Elyzibeth, I feel it is time to shed a little light on our relationship,” he glanced at Lyssa, then at Ben, who was watching us out of the corner of his eye.
“My Betha, you and I have been seeing each other for a long time and I now feel the moment is right. Lyzzi, will you consent to forever being the Lady Elyzibeth of Devenport, and residing there as... my bride?” Lyssa and Ben darted a quick glance at each other, then looked back at me. I looked away from Phillip's mirthful blue eyes, feeling my own joyous laughter bubbling up inside of me.
I turned back to him, and with all the dignity I could muster, replied, “Yes!” before falling happily into his arms.
I looked up, dazed, expecting to see Phillip's shining eyes gazing down on me. However, all I saw were the staring eyes of the overseer, dark and brooding like the ocean during a storm.
I fell to my knees, fearing for my life. The overseers did not understand my sudden flashbacks, and neither did my master or his mistress.
“I'm sorry, sir, I did not mean to!” I cried, groveling before the foreboding man. “It will not happen again, I swear it!”
“That's what you said before,” his voice sent chills down my spine. “Why should I believe you anymore this time than I did the last?”
Trembling, I replied, “I swear it will not happen!”
“I'll see to it that it doesn't.” The shadow of his arm raising the whip to strike me crossed the sun, and the deafening noise of the whip startled me into tears.
“No, please!” I cried. Craaak, went the whip. The leather tore through my clothes, ripping at my flesh. I screamed, which only enticed the overseer to hit me harder. I was given twenty lashes, at which point he turned and walked away. I stood, blood streaming down my back as my friends rushed to help me.
“Chile, what's wrong with you?” old Sadie muttered as I staggered toward our shack.
“I don't... don't know,” I wept. My back ached as Sadie's spindly old hands tended my wounds. I reached for her arm, gazing into her ebony eyes. “One day,” I said, “One day I'm going to be free again. When Phillip comes for me, I going to set you free too, you understand? We'll all be free, as God intended us to be.”
“Lordy, Chile, how you think you gonna do that?”
“I know exactly how, Sadie.” I winced as I laid myself down on the bed again.
“Yes, ma'am, girl. You know how's you gonna be getting' freed, you come back n' free me, too.” We fell silent, her chocolaty arms comforting me, telling me I could succeed.
I went to bed that night, scared of what was going to happen to me. Would Phillip come for me like I thought? If he did, would the master sell me to him? Or would my fiance` have to use force or his title to bribe my captor? The questions continued unanswered as I dozed of and began to dream.
The man crept into my room through the window, while I slept unaware. I awoke to find a sweaty handkerchief in my mouth . I tried to scream but could not. I was trapped. I saw the hand grab me and felt myself being slammed against the wall. Then everything went black. The next thing I knew I was in the hold of a ship with two hundred moaning Africans. The wailing was too much. I shrieked, but the sound was muffled by a large white hand. My captor was old Henry Darnsworthy, the man who Ben replaced as Lord of Dourside. He whispered, “First the lady. Then her husband,” and cackled wickedly. He had obviously mistaken me for my sister, who, judging by the number of Africans I was surrounded by in the hold of a ship, would be sailing for a slave market in the New World.
I awoke sweating. I hadn't dreamed of my capture in months! What was going on with me? I gradually fell back to sleep, but it was not the peaceful rest that I needed.
The next morning one of the household slaves came to me with the astounding news: there was a white man, “Like you Lyzzi!” Essie reported, amazed, who was signing the papers to purchase me at that very moment! My heart immediately sang out my beloved's name, and I leapt from the bed despite my injuries. I went as quickly as I could to the master's house, running to his study. I forgot to knock (something that is fatal to forget) and rushed right into the burly man who turned to grasp my arms. I shrank back. This wasn't Phillip! What cruel trick had been played on me?
“Come on,” the gruff voice commanded.
I gulped. “Yes, master,” I replied weakly as I lowered my head and backed out of the room.
We left immediately after I gathered my few belongings and said good bye to my friends. He can't be too bad, I thought, if he lets me tell my second family good bye.
“I won't forget you,” I whispered to Sadie as we embraced, tears in our eyes. I would've said more, but I was whisked away into my new owner's carriage.
Imagine my surprise when we drove to the shore where a boat waited to return us to Europe. We boarded and spent many days traveling across the sea, but I spoke not to the man who had taken away my second chance at freedom.
We landed on the British shore where yet another carriage waited to transport my captor and I to, I was sure, his castle. I was paying little attention when the horses stopped at Devenport on the Scottish border. Lord Edward (as I learned was the man's name) led me to exquisite rooms fit only for a person of my former title, not a slave. I was treated like royalty then left to spend the night alone with a bodyguard (for a slave? I thought) next door.
The morn of the next day I was greeted by a chambermaid bearing a gown of sea green and ivory. I allowed her to dress me in it for the breakfast meal with the Earl of Devenport.
I was seated by a page in vermilion and sapphire livery. Lost in my own world, I did not notice when everyone else stood and the Earl entered. He crossed to where I was seated and kissed my gloved hand. Startled out of my daze, I looked down on the strong face and azure eyes of Phillip James Eli, Earl of Devenport, who raised me up and kissed me sweetly, at which point I promptly blushed a bright red.
“Lyzzi,” he said, “Do you still want me?”
“Yes!” I breathed. “With all of my being!”
“Then let us proceed to Dourside where we shall be wed as soon as you wish, my lady.”
I didn't speak. I simply threw my arms around him and kissed him again.
Thus, what began as pure bliss turned into tragedy, yet was worked out for the good of all. Yes, I remembered dear Sadie and the rest of the slaves. When the owner of Jacobson Plantation died shortly after Phillip and I were married, my darling husband bought the place and freed all the slaves, giving it to his sister and brother-in-law; Lord Edward and his wife Lady Katherine (he's forgiven me for my treatment of him on the journey, and I'm quite glad).
So Lyssa, Ben, Edward, Katherine, Phillip and I all lived happily forever after, along with my freed family.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Desperately in Love
Today is my birthday... quinze!!!!! Not quatorze, quinze!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I'm a fifteen year old hopelessly in love with a seventeen or eighteen year old. Isn't that pathetic?
But he treats me so well! He treats like a woman should be treated.... with respect. He would be a perfect Prince Charming if he would just look up and realize that Cinderella has entered the room.
But, no, we're complete opposites. It isn't possible. It won't happen.
Oh, but I can dream...
So I'm a fifteen year old hopelessly in love with a seventeen or eighteen year old. Isn't that pathetic?
But he treats me so well! He treats like a woman should be treated.... with respect. He would be a perfect Prince Charming if he would just look up and realize that Cinderella has entered the room.
But, no, we're complete opposites. It isn't possible. It won't happen.
Oh, but I can dream...
Thursday, November 30, 2006
French Christmas Carols
I miss my family.... a lot. But, Christmas is getting close, and Sunday is my birthday, so I'm going to be happy, happy, happy!
Vive le vent, vive le vent
Vive le vent d'hiver
Boule de neige et petites enfants
Bonne annee gran-mere!
Vive le vent, vive le vent
Vive le vent d'hiver
Boule de neige et petites enfants
Bonne annee gran-mere!
Freely translated:
Long live the wind, long live the wind
Long live the wind of winter.
Snowballs and little kids,
Happy New Year Gramma!!!
Hehehehe
~~~~~~Love from me
Vive le vent, vive le vent
Vive le vent d'hiver
Boule de neige et petites enfants
Bonne annee gran-mere!
Vive le vent, vive le vent
Vive le vent d'hiver
Boule de neige et petites enfants
Bonne annee gran-mere!
Freely translated:
Long live the wind, long live the wind
Long live the wind of winter.
Snowballs and little kids,
Happy New Year Gramma!!!
Hehehehe
~~~~~~Love from me
Sunday, November 19, 2006
PLAY IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT AM I GONNA DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Friday, November 17, 2006
Opening night was last night!!!! It was perfect, it couldn't have been better as far as I'm concerned!!! Dad got pictures of me, and of the show, and of me and Zack dancing, and oh, I'm in heaven!!! He also got videos!!! Of all of the dancing!!!!
I'm so happy. I didn't go to sleep until 1:30 this morning because I was writing in my diary about it.
I could've danced all night...............................
I'm so happy. I didn't go to sleep until 1:30 this morning because I was writing in my diary about it.
I could've danced all night...............................
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
AM I THE ONLY INNOCENT GIRL OUT THERE???
"Bed, bed
I couldn't go to bed.
My head's too light to try to set it down.
Sleep, sleep
I couldn't sleep tonight
Now for all the jewels in the crown!
I could've danced all night
I could've danced all night
And still have begged for more
I could have spread my wings
And done a thousand things
I've never done before.
I'll never know what made it so exciting
Why all at once my heart took flight!
I only know when he
Began to dance with me
I could've danced
Danced, danced
ALL NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
J'adore Banjo. J'adore tres bien Banjo!!!!! He dances with me! He talks to me!!! He doesn't treat me like an alien from another planet!!!! But..... I'm pretty sure he's taken. I probably should try not to like him so much, but he's so nice to me!!!! He's a good actor, he's in choir, he's the French Club President, and he is HOTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I highly doubt that I have a chance at anything more than friendship. Sigh.
I made such a fool out of myself today. Am I the only chaste girl out there, the only girl who still blushes if a guy takes his shirt off? Nothing else, just his shirt. The guys at play change their shirts on the stage, and everybody else just is like, "Whatever. It's just their chest!" while I'm blushing and stuttering and finding a piece of the ground to be fasinated with. Am I absolutely the only one left??
I don't know. It seems so strange! I must be the only girl who actually cares about that kind of thing (note that Zach doesn't do that!). I feel awkward because I feel so childish among the other girls. I don't want to be "experienced!" I want to be innocent, but I feel so stupid!
I guess it'll be okay. I'll think about Zach some more..... SIGH!!!!!!
"Hands touch
Eyes meet
Sudden silence
Sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl
Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of
Who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl
Every so often we long to steel
To the land of what might have been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in
Blithe smile
Lithe limb
She who's winsome
She wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And heaven knows
I'm not that girl
Don't wish
Don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl."
Copyright: Stephan Schwartz
Friday, November 10, 2006
61 years..................
Today there was a Veterans' Day assembly at school. The one guy was married for 61 years today, and another is celebrating his 59th anniversary tomorrow!
I didn't think it was possible for people to stay together that long. After all, why would a promise made to both your spouse and God matter at all? Why should it be a big deal if your sex life isn't what it used to be and that annoys you to the point of divorce? What if you are fifty? That doesn't mean you aren't a beautiful person, and that you need to prove that you are still "good enough" by sleeping it off with someone besides your spouse!
Grr.........
So, yeah, but on a happy note, play practice tonight! Play next week..... I get to dance with two seniors................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I didn't think it was possible for people to stay together that long. After all, why would a promise made to both your spouse and God matter at all? Why should it be a big deal if your sex life isn't what it used to be and that annoys you to the point of divorce? What if you are fifty? That doesn't mean you aren't a beautiful person, and that you need to prove that you are still "good enough" by sleeping it off with someone besides your spouse!
Grr.........
So, yeah, but on a happy note, play practice tonight! Play next week..... I get to dance with two seniors................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Ecstaticly Happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got to dance! On a stage! With a guy!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
I AM SOOOOOO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLAY IS WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, AMAZING! I LOVE PLAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
um, hehe...... ;) :0
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
I AM SOOOOOO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLAY IS WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, AMAZING! I LOVE PLAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
um, hehe...... ;) :0
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Oh la la.....
I really need to talk to someone...... Someone who I can trust, isn't in my family, and might actually understand and sympathize with what I'm going through...... I need to talk to Katie.
On the bright side...... J'adore le ange de musique, le fantome de l'Opera, Gerard Butler, et practique! Oh la la!
Mon dieu, there is no bright side. I'm so scared, and I don't know where to turn. My friends at school seem so "polite" to me anymore, like I did something to offend them and they don't want to tell me. I don't feel like I can tell my best friend, because it's a family issue, and I'm so afraid she'll say I'm being selfish or over-reacting. And I don't want to tell my family, because I don't want anything leaking out to this person, and my family is falling apart anyway......
My babies need me to be strong. They need me to show them that everything is okay. They need someone they can trust......
How am I supposed to go to NYC to college? How can I leave my little ones? I want to be here for them! I don't want to feel abandoned, I don't want to leave them! They need me.......
Sigh, another sleepless night tonight. So many problems, so many nightmares, so few dreams..... All the dreams I've ever dreampt have become nightmares. Is there no relief?
I held a tiny baby today. She was so beautiful. How I wish I had a chance!!!
On the bright side...... J'adore le ange de musique, le fantome de l'Opera, Gerard Butler, et practique! Oh la la!
Mon dieu, there is no bright side. I'm so scared, and I don't know where to turn. My friends at school seem so "polite" to me anymore, like I did something to offend them and they don't want to tell me. I don't feel like I can tell my best friend, because it's a family issue, and I'm so afraid she'll say I'm being selfish or over-reacting. And I don't want to tell my family, because I don't want anything leaking out to this person, and my family is falling apart anyway......
My babies need me to be strong. They need me to show them that everything is okay. They need someone they can trust......
How am I supposed to go to NYC to college? How can I leave my little ones? I want to be here for them! I don't want to feel abandoned, I don't want to leave them! They need me.......
Sigh, another sleepless night tonight. So many problems, so many nightmares, so few dreams..... All the dreams I've ever dreampt have become nightmares. Is there no relief?
I held a tiny baby today. She was so beautiful. How I wish I had a chance!!!
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Crying In Public
Crying oneself to sleep is never a good thing to do physically. You wake up the next morning and your eyes are red and puffy, your hair is a tangled up mess, and you really REALLY don't feel like going to school.
That's how it is with crying anytime, I guess. Today I was eating at Bonanza and I was trying to so hard not to cry, but my parents were talking about angel tree, and I couldn't help it. Wally used to run that, and I miss him so much! I haven' t talked to him in ages... I don't even know where he is! And, then, of course, it just kept snow-balling.
All four of always promised me that they would see me act when I was in high school. They were some of my biggest fans!! And, now, I don' t know where two of them of are, one never talks to me, and the other is in Delaware, so there's no way that she could come see me. I miss them so dreadfully, and nobody here understands. They think I should be over the divorce and seperation by now. Everyone thinks that I am being selfish, but I miss them! And now PJ's gone, too......
I hate crying in public.
That's how it is with crying anytime, I guess. Today I was eating at Bonanza and I was trying to so hard not to cry, but my parents were talking about angel tree, and I couldn't help it. Wally used to run that, and I miss him so much! I haven' t talked to him in ages... I don't even know where he is! And, then, of course, it just kept snow-balling.
All four of always promised me that they would see me act when I was in high school. They were some of my biggest fans!! And, now, I don' t know where two of them of are, one never talks to me, and the other is in Delaware, so there's no way that she could come see me. I miss them so dreadfully, and nobody here understands. They think I should be over the divorce and seperation by now. Everyone thinks that I am being selfish, but I miss them! And now PJ's gone, too......
I hate crying in public.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
I MADE PLAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SCHOOL PLAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hehe, anyway..... I auditioned for fall play and made it, which makes me very happy. I don't have many lines, but I'm a freshman, and I made play!!!!!
School is awesome now. I love love LOVE!!! French class. It is so much fun, and my teacher is really awesome. She doesn't look old enough to have taught my mother.....
American Cultures is really great too, and choir rocks! Voice lessons are awesome.... right now I'm singing from "South Pacific." I love it!!!!!!!
So I'm happy..... very very happy.......
Hehe, anyway..... I auditioned for fall play and made it, which makes me very happy. I don't have many lines, but I'm a freshman, and I made play!!!!!
School is awesome now. I love love LOVE!!! French class. It is so much fun, and my teacher is really awesome. She doesn't look old enough to have taught my mother.....
American Cultures is really great too, and choir rocks! Voice lessons are awesome.... right now I'm singing from "South Pacific." I love it!!!!!!!
So I'm happy..... very very happy.......
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Hehe.... either I lied, or I changed my mind big time!!!!
Well, school has gotten much better.... so much better that I don't think I'm going to go to cyber school like I had planned. Choir rocks now, and I'm auditioning for fall play on Tuesday. I'm really excited, but not really nervous, which is weird for me. But anyway, if I don't make it, I'll do hair and make-up or stage crew or something like that.
French is still as awesome as ever. My teacher is so sweet and nice... although she's been there since Mom was in school! But I'm glad I have her. My science class is okay, but the teacher is just a tad bit strange..... he has a pony tail. Creepy.
But algebra is algebra, I hate it like usual. But I'm trying to make the best of it. So I'm dealing. One of my really good friends sits right across from me, so that's cool.
History class is "sweet" to use my teacher's word. My teacher is a really funny guy, and get this: his wife was my doctor the last time I had my foot checked.
The rest is mundane and boring, but that's enough to keep me busy!
Oh, and how could I forget? Children's choir started again last night. The kids are sooo cute! And they love me.....
French is still as awesome as ever. My teacher is so sweet and nice... although she's been there since Mom was in school! But I'm glad I have her. My science class is okay, but the teacher is just a tad bit strange..... he has a pony tail. Creepy.
But algebra is algebra, I hate it like usual. But I'm trying to make the best of it. So I'm dealing. One of my really good friends sits right across from me, so that's cool.
History class is "sweet" to use my teacher's word. My teacher is a really funny guy, and get this: his wife was my doctor the last time I had my foot checked.
The rest is mundane and boring, but that's enough to keep me busy!
Oh, and how could I forget? Children's choir started again last night. The kids are sooo cute! And they love me.....
Friday, September 08, 2006
Scared.... I've never been this scared
We have visitors this weekend.... I can't say who because Dad might get mad at me. All I can say is, I'm scared, and nervous. I know they've changed so much.... I feel like I don't even know the one anymore. And the other, supposedly "out of her shell"... will she even want to talk to me, be with me? I'm ten years younger than her, she hasn't seen me in a year.....
I'm scared.
I'm scared.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
First Post
So I had to shut down the last blog, but Dad said I could start a new one. So, here I am.
It's Sunday morning, and I am not looking forward to going to church. My parents are making me sit with them, although I'm supposed to be in the nursery today, so I don't know what they're going to do. I really hope that I can still do nursery.
School started last Monday. I really hate it.... the only thing I like is French I. Even choir is boring. We sing really boring music with absolutely no point to it, and that bugs me. I guess I'm going to have to get used to it, but man, is it ever frustrating!
I do love French class, though. My teacher is always using me as her example (and you know how I love to be in the spotlight), and she's always saying things like "Tres bien" which means very good and she always says "Bonjour, Mademoiselle," at the beginning of class, and "Au revoir, Mademoiselle Christine," at the end. That's because my French name is Christine. Fitting, isn't it?
It's Sunday morning, and I am not looking forward to going to church. My parents are making me sit with them, although I'm supposed to be in the nursery today, so I don't know what they're going to do. I really hope that I can still do nursery.
School started last Monday. I really hate it.... the only thing I like is French I. Even choir is boring. We sing really boring music with absolutely no point to it, and that bugs me. I guess I'm going to have to get used to it, but man, is it ever frustrating!
I do love French class, though. My teacher is always using me as her example (and you know how I love to be in the spotlight), and she's always saying things like "Tres bien" which means very good and she always says "Bonjour, Mademoiselle," at the beginning of class, and "Au revoir, Mademoiselle Christine," at the end. That's because my French name is Christine. Fitting, isn't it?
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