Bla bla bla....

It's been forever since I last wrote. It seems like everything and nothing has happened all at once... I'm not quite sure where to start.

Let's see... the biggest things lately... I got accepted to CUA, and I have an audition for the music theatre department there on February 6. I also managed to get a Juilliard audition! I'm going to NYC on January 23 to audition for the drama department at Juilliard. Of course, I'm crazy excited, but I'm really nervous, too. Who ever would've thought I'd be even this close to Juilliard, to my dreams? Me, a tiny little girl from a tiny little town where nothing ever happens and when going to the grocery store frequently results in multiple family and friend reunions.

Peter's proud of me, I think. I'm really not sure what's happening with us... we ended up breaking up and spending a painful two weeks apart, trying to retrieve ourselves and figure out what on earth was going on. And then, the day I got my acceptance letter, we ended up getting back together. Heaven only knows what's going on with us... I want to last forever, but I'm eighteen... he's seventeen... and forever is a long time. I know I'm stubborn enough to make it last, but is he? He says he is not looking for anyone else, but what if someone just kinda comes out of the blue and he falls head-over-heels for her? Where does that leave me?

In a rut, I guess, but not one that's impossible to get out of. I have my schooling ahead of me, and hopefully a career after that. If I manage to graduate from Juilliard's drama department, I could go so many, many places. I could travel to France or England and work overseas. Losing Peter would not be the end of the world or the end of me... just the end of the current life that I love so much. I would live. If we split up, I'd be devastated, but I would rely on God's strength... because, as I've said so many times this month, "God, give me strength, for I have none of my own."

And I know he will. He is great and mighty, and loves me more than Peter, more than my family or other friends ever will. I know this... it's just trusting it where I sometimes fall through.

Spring musical auditions are coming up. Honestly, it doesn't even seem like the fall play has happened yet! But it has, oddly enough. I was Abigail Louise Brewster, a crazy little old lady in Arsenic and Old Lace. My last fall play is over... how sad is that????

But musical will be fun, and I have a ton to do to prep for my college auditions and district choir. My life is crazy! But it is well-worth every wild moment... even the ones that I wish I could banish forever.

July

Ugh. I haven't updated this in quite awhile, I guess I should make a few notes about my life... not that there's much to note.

I've been spending a lot of time on Facebook, a sickening amount of time on Facebook. I am the *proud* owner of a farm in Farm Town, have more Bumper Stickers than would fit on an eighteen-wheeler, and couldn't fit all my Flair in my bedroom, there's so much of it. I spend my time idling the day away....

I have done some work, though. I've worked on my bedroom a little bit (and believe me, it needs it), and worked on my schoolwork. I haven't started my AP Bio stuff yet, but I'm struggling through Brave New World and the crazy amount of French stuff that Madame Gillott has given me to do. I've also been looking at college stuff... which scares me to death. I'm supposed to be working on vacation ideas for the summer, but I'm not even sure where I put the paper with the suggestions on it... I really don't even want to go on vacation. I'm going to be miserable, although it will be better if I just make up my mind to have a good time.

I've done lots of singing, piano playing (I played the whole Moonlight Sonata today, both hands!), and tons of dancing. In fact, tomorrow I'm going to AKA Dance with Miss Alicia after jazz and tap, which should be tons of fun.

I've also spent as much time as possible with Peter. I get to see him when he has off on Tuesday nights for two hours or so, and then I go to Camp K and get to see him and be with him there. For the past couple of weeks, I had Friday evenings with him... but now he doesn't get off until Saturday. So I won't see him until Saturday evenings, and then Sunday mornings for mass. This kills... I know I shouldn't complain, I get to see him so much more than so many girls get to spend time with their boys... but I miss him so much when I'm not with him. Those twenty-four and forty-two hour increments are so painful, knowing he's so close, but so far away! Near, but so untouchable....

But whatever. No moping. I've done enough of that, and I promised myself I wouldn't. I've also done some swimming, some babysitting, and lots of hanging out with Jenn and with the girls. Jenn and Becky and I are supposed to go take pictures sometime Sunday, yay! :-)

On a very random and lighthearted note, if I ever have twin daughters, I'm totally naming them Julie and Carol. Mary Carol and Ella Julie.... :-)

So, yeah, that's my life. I'm thrilled to report that my boyfriend doesn't need to do Basic Training if he gets a ROTC scholarship... according to him, anyways. Which would be good. Because it's gonna be bad enough without him....

I'm sooo sleepy... enough updating for now. My life is a thriller, let me tell you.... ;-)

Summertime

Well, summer has hit again, with its trials and tribulations, joys and good times.  Peter is headed to Camp K on Friday, and I will miss him like mad.  But I have lots of AP work to do (AP Lit and AP Bio, as well as my independent study), dance classes, voice and piano lessons, Christmas presents to work on (lol), and lots of cleaning to be done.  I also applied for a job at CVS.  Who knows if they'll even consider me, but I applied.  :-\

I also have a wedding to get ready for!  I have to work on memorizing the song I'm to sing at Courtney's wedding, and get my dress fixed so it's not so incredibly revealing.  And Peter's coming!  Which is exciting.  A little scary, mind you, since generally attending family functions - particularly holidays or weddings - is a privilege that is reserved for engaged couples.  But it's okay by me!  I love my boy.  <3

So, summer is here again.  It's going to be long, fun, hard, and interesting.  Oh, well!

Senior???

I'm a... senior? No! It's not possible!

Hmm... maybe it is. I don't want to be a senior, I don't think. I have this horrible sense of impending dread towards next school year (and this summer, to be honest), yet I'm a little... excited? Not possible!

My whole future is before me, and I'm scared to death. Next year I'll have to apply to colleges... heck, next year, I'll have to GO to college! 2010! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!

Just A Brief Update

The school year is almost over, and I am scared to death! I really don't want to be a senior... although I am very, very glad to be completely finished with standardized tests! Those things are horrible... I still have to take my SATs in June, but otherwise I'm DONE!

Unfortunately that leads to a whole host of problems to deal with. For example: WHERE ON EARTH AM I GOING TO GO TO COLLEGE????????? This issue has been plaguing me for quite some time now, and I can't get it to shut up! I really don't want to go to college... but I know I have no choice. If I want to do anything or be anyone in life, I have to college. My dream is to get married and have kids. Raise a family, ya know? But Peter doesn't want that, darn him. He wants to go to the army, go to college, all that jazz. So to college I go. Because I have no idea if he and I will still be together, if he will want to settle down... ever.... So I must do stuffs for myself. FML.

So, I'm scared to death about this whole thing. I have my list: Susquehanna (which I really, really liked when I was there Monday), CUA (Catholic University of America... yeah...), NYU, Ithaca, Temple, and Carnegie-Mellon. I know I want to double major in French and Music Theatre, if I can... or major/minor in those two or education of some sort. I've determined that Peter's four years in the army will give me four years of grad work, living in France, or going to NYC and trying my darnedest to make it on Broadway. But I'm scared.

I'm scared to death. I don't really want to leave anymore. I'm happy here. I have my friends, my (somewhat messed up) family, my boyfriend, my church family (both at the Nazarene church and St. George)... but a lot of my friends and Peter will be going to college, leaving me here alone. But if I went to Susquehanna, I could be here to help with plays and musicals, and I could still go St. George. I would be here when Peter comes home, and it wouldn't be hard to be with him... a lot. So Susquehanna seems like a good choice. But CUA has the Catholic influence that I am swiftly growing to love, and it would be very, very, VERY close to Peter. Meetings wouldn't be hard... we could see each other every day, or every other day. Which would be amazing....

I'm tired of thinking about this stuff. Somebody needs to tell me what I'm supposed to do with my life, so I can complain a little bit and then go do it because I have no choice. I hate making decisions. Grr....

:'(

Thoughts

So much has happened, and I can't help feeling that all my thoughts and feelings are insignificant in comparison to the tragedy of this weekend...

Darren Reynolds, a classmate and friend to many people at MAHS, committed suicide on this weekend. I can't believe it... it still seems like a big joke that someone is playing on us... Darren was always nice to me, and I can't believe he's gone....

I'm missing Peter so much right now. It seems so umimportant, like he shouldn't matter at a time like this, but I want him to be here, to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay... But he's in D.C., and I'm missing him like mad...

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say, to think, to feel... what's appropriate in a situation like this? What do you say to his friends, his close friends? I'm not sure what I'm doing or why I'm doing any of it....

Heaven help us all. Rest in peace, Darren....

Dans Ma Vie

Last night was opening night of Bells Are Ringing. It was incredible! The audience was great (we had a really good crowd for a Thursday night), the performance itself was incredible....

Sigh. I love this! It's sooo much fun. When I get on that stage, nothing else matters but what is happening then and there. It doesn't matter who is in the audience... I'm not Jade, I'm Ella. I'm beautiful, I'm special, I'm important... I love performing! This is what I was made to do, I'm so sure! I love it so much, and every time I'm on that stage, I'm on cloud nine and the world is at my feet! Yet I know the show will end, and it will be back to my humdrum life.... Do I have what it takes to make this my reality for forever? Could I really make it on Broadway? Where am I going with my life?

There are so many questions and so few answers. I have at least eight years of waiting for Peter to get out of college and the army... that gives me time to go to college and try desperately for Broadway. Or maybe travel the world... go to France, to England, to all of the beautiful places I've only been able to dream of in my mind! I have so much that I could do, that I would do, if I could just get the chance....

I love the stage, I love performing... I love French, too... and I love my boy. My heart is torn between the three... I want so badly to just be me, and do everything I want to do... and I know full well that I cannot.

I just have to remember what Father Bill said in his sermon last Sunday. Don't live in the past or the future... live in the now, in the present! God gave us right now for a reason... and right now is the best time of my life. I'm performing, singing onstage the way I always want to, doing well in classes, working on SATs, and hanging out with Peter as much as possible... life is good.

<3, "Ella"

In Chem Class....

So, naughty little girl that I am, I am sitting in chem class with a laptop, updating this blog. My lab is done, Mr. Landis! I swear! Lol.

So, yeah. Just a little update... I realized as I was reading this that I never posted about musical! I can't believe I never posted this. I'm the lead! We're doing Bells Are Ringing, and I'm playing the part of Ella Peterson, the lead character!!! I'm sooo excited! I'm playing against Ryan Stush (Jeff Moss), Ben Hollenbach (Sandor Prantz), and Katie Southerton (Sue Summers). My role is definately not a soprano role, it's very mezzo or alto, in fact. But I love it, and it gives me the chance to work on my belting and acting more than my high, screaming singing, haha.

I only wish that my whole family could come see it. I know Mom and Dad and the boys will, and Aunt Caterina and Uncle Dave, and probably Grammy Pat and Aunt Glenda and Dad's parents. But Nicholynn and Megan won't be there (there's absolutely no way they'll come back here from the west coast!), and neither will Uncle Wally. I miss them....

But Peter will be there, too, my darling, darling boy. He's sick right now, and I miss him so much. Why am I so stupid? I can't help loving him, he's so sweet! But I know I will have to live without him, possibly forever. I hate the thought of losing him, but we'll both go away to college, and if our relationship survives that, heaven help me when he goes into the army! That crazy boy doesn't want to just do bootcamp and be done with it, he WANTS to go overseas... and it breaks my heart to think of what could happen to him.

The bell's gonna ring... haha, "Bells are ringing......."

Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien

RULES:
1. Put Your itunes/ipod, windows media player etc on Shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button, and the title of that song is your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS
4. Put any comments in (brackets) after the song name

Are you male or female? I Want You, I Need You, I Love You ... Elvis

What do people feel when they're around you? The Moments of Happiness ... Cats

Describe your current relationship. Life Is A Bowl of Pits ... Clue the Musical

Where would you like to be now? I'm On A Mission ... the Relations Quartet

How do you feel about love? Can You Find It In Your Heart? ... Footloose

Whats your life like? Baby Girl ... Nicole C. Mullen

What would you wish for if you had only one wish? Gimme Gimme Gimme! ... Mamma Mia

Say something wise. Javert's Suicide ... Les Miserables

If someone says "Is this okay?" You say... Learn to be Lonely ... Phantom of the Opera

How would you describe yourself? All That Jazz ... Chicago

What do you look for in a girl/guy? When A Man Loves A Woman ... Michael Bolton

How do you feel today? Take Me As I Am ... Jekyll and Hyde

What is your life's purpose? Just For This Moment ... Wicked

What is your motto? Big Shot ... Billy Joel

What do your friends think of you? I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight (HAHAHAHA)

What do you think of your parents? With One Look ... Sunset Boulevard

What do you think about very often? Pie Jesu ... Requiem

What is 2 + 2? Sylvia's Mother

What do you think of your best friend? Sometimes When We Touch

What do you think of the person you like? I Don't Know How To Love Him ... Jesus Christ Superstar

What is your life story? Friends For Life ... Beijing Masterpiece

What do you want to be when you grow up? Livin' On A Prayer ... Bon Jovi

What do you think of when you see the person you like? Overture ... Gypsy

What will you dance to at your wedding? Don't Cry For Me, Argentina ... Evita

What will they play at your funeral? The Heart of Rock 'n' Roll

What is your hobby/interest? Hymne a l'Amour ... Piaf

What is your biggest fear? Merry Christmas, Darling ... the Carpenters (fear of being alone for Christmas?)

What is your biggest secret? By the Sea ... Sweeney Todd

What do you think of your friends? When I Call on Jesus ... Nicole C. Mullen

What will you post this as? Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien ... Elaine Paige

My Life

Haven't written in awhile, should probably update you on the goings-on of my life.

Not that there's much going on, haha. It's back to school on Monday (joy unspeakable), and musical auditions this week. I hope and pray I make it!

I've spent a lot of time with Jenn and Peter this vacation. We took pictures on Thursday (Jenn took pictures of me and Peter), and it was tons of fun. He and I have been going out for about two months now (yay!), and I find myself more crazy for him every day. He's such a sweet guy, and I don't know what I ever did without him around....

Christmas is over for another year. Every year it seems it gets more and more rushed, and seems to mean less and less to so many people. Christmas is almost just another day of the year to so many people, and I hate that! Christmas is so special....

So, yeah. I'll probably post some of Jenn's incredible pictures on this blog just in case anyone actually looks at this thing, haha.

<3 for now,
Jade