It's been over a year since I posted on this blog. What?
I guess I've been a little busy. I graduated from college in January and moved back home with my parents. I was jobless for a few months before starting to work parttime at The Shoe Department... a move that has been, well, interesting.
I assistant choreographed and directed MAHS' spring musical, Sugar, and I'm in the process of playing Velma in West Side Story at Little Theatre of Wilkes Barre.
I'm nowhere near where I thought I would be. But I'm not as far away as I could be either. I have a job interview for one of my dream jobs, and I am working as hard as I can in as many different ways as possible to be the best version of me that I could possibly be.
I'm 23 years old, and it's been nine years since I started this blog my freshman year of high school. High school freshman Jade was a lot... she's almost a completely different person from who I am now, and that's absolutely a good thing. In the nine years since I started this blog, I went through some completely ridiculous and obsessive crushes on people that I don't even know anymore, I dated my high school sweetheart for 3 years, had my heart broken, went to college, and dealt with more drama than anybody has a right to.
I got through it all. With tears, with screaming, with pathetic poetry, with help from others... and I'm here. Different. New. Scared of the future but excited at the same time, having made the most peace with my past that I've ever been able to make.
It's time to say good-bye to this particular blog. It's entirely possible that I'll re-start it someday years in the future, but I need to put space between 14-year-old me and 23-year-old me and again, between 23-year-old me and the me of the future.
I'll be blogging over on Tumblr for awhile. I won't shut this time; maybe someday I'll come back. But for now, so long, farewell.
It's been good.
I'll just keep swimming down, down, down. There's no point in trying to reach dry ground, I'm drowned.
Saturday, August 29, 2015
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Jade(d)
Jaded: adj. Dulled or satiated by overindulgence.
I've always hated the word "jaded." I hate that it is such a negative thing and has my name in it; that's always bothered me. I didn't want my name to be associated with anything negative like that. But tonight, I think it's the most fitting word I can come up with.
When you go off to college, you know things will change. You'll lose or gain weight perhaps, you'll grow in knowledge and experience. You'll learn to be more independent, to do things like laundry, dishes, and how exactly to go about unclogging a nasty tub drain and how to clean out the refrigerator without triggering your gag reflex (still working on that one). But not every change is necessarily a good one.
I sort of had that realization tonight. As two of my friends and I were heading home from a callback prep session, we stopped at a neighborhood McDonald's. One of the girls was hesitant to go in because there were a number of semi-swarthy characters hanging around and it was 11 o'clock at night, but I reassured her that I go in there all the time and it's fine. As we walk inside, I hear a man's voice to my left. "Ma'am? Excuse me, Ma'am?" I kept walking, ignoring him as I usually do. But one of the girls stopped to speak to him. My automatic thought was to leap into protective momma mode and make sure she was okay, but as I was starting to turn around to make sure, I heard him ask, "Could you buy me a meal?" She agreed and I turned back around and tried to focus on the menu as I realized that he tried to ask me first... and I walked right past him. On purpose.
Damn.
When I first came to college, one of the things that I had to get used to was the presence of homeless people and beggars here in the big city. Coming from small-town America, that was never something that I had to deal with; not everyone's situations were perfect, but you didn't almost trip over people lying in the street just hoping for a few coins. In the city, that's a much bigger issue, and at first, it tore me to pieces to see them lying there or sitting there. While I still don't like it, and my heart twinges a bit every time I walk past them, it's become easier and easier to walk past, just like every other city person. As long as you don't make eye contact it's fine, right?
Wrong.
As we left, a second homeless man came up and asked if my friend could buy him a meal, too. She had to say no, that she didn't have any more money. I could have gotten him something, but again, I didn't say anything. As we got into the car, my other friend said, "I was worried that was going to happen. I saw him watching you, and knew he was going to ask, too. It's so sad... but one person can't feed them all. We can't end world hunger just like that." And I thought to myself, Arwen, what are you doing??? I don't remember the last time I bought a meal for someone who needed it. I spent a ton of time complaining about how I don't have a car and sometimes I need my parents' help with rent, and I don't feel like eating the food that's in the freezer or I don't feel like cooking.
Wow.
Jaded.
I've spent so much time just passing people by in the streets that it doesn't faze me anymore, not like it used to, anyway. I've become so accustomed to just ducking my head and walking past... typically drinking my $5 Starbucks drink, in my high heels and jewelry... cross around my neck, proclaiming the opposite of my actions. Some Christian I am, not even stopping to buy a bagel at Einstein Bros for someone who needs it. Two bucks, five minutes out of my day. And yet I don't spare even that for someone else.
If every time I was tempted to get Starbucks I bought a homeless man or woman a meal instead... think how many mouths I could feed, just me. It's not that I don't have the money. Sometimes, even when I don't have money, I still manage to get a sugar-laden treat when someone else is starving to death. As I sit here typing this, I'm drinking my soda, typing on my Macbook, in my nice little one-bedroom apartment. Every night when I walk home, I pass a woman sleeping on the bench at the bus stop. When I leave in the morning, she'll be gone for the day, but I guarantee you she'll be back on that bench to sleep tomorrow night again.
Where are your priorities, Arwen? Why can you buy Starbucks but not buy a man a meal? Why is it so easy for you to walk past the woman on the bench and not even think to get her a blanket or something to keep her warm? What's happened to you?
I've become jaded. And it's a problem.
Thank you, girls, for revealing this to me. You may not have realized it, but thank you. It's time to do some more changing... in the right direction this time.
I've always hated the word "jaded." I hate that it is such a negative thing and has my name in it; that's always bothered me. I didn't want my name to be associated with anything negative like that. But tonight, I think it's the most fitting word I can come up with.
When you go off to college, you know things will change. You'll lose or gain weight perhaps, you'll grow in knowledge and experience. You'll learn to be more independent, to do things like laundry, dishes, and how exactly to go about unclogging a nasty tub drain and how to clean out the refrigerator without triggering your gag reflex (still working on that one). But not every change is necessarily a good one.
I sort of had that realization tonight. As two of my friends and I were heading home from a callback prep session, we stopped at a neighborhood McDonald's. One of the girls was hesitant to go in because there were a number of semi-swarthy characters hanging around and it was 11 o'clock at night, but I reassured her that I go in there all the time and it's fine. As we walk inside, I hear a man's voice to my left. "Ma'am? Excuse me, Ma'am?" I kept walking, ignoring him as I usually do. But one of the girls stopped to speak to him. My automatic thought was to leap into protective momma mode and make sure she was okay, but as I was starting to turn around to make sure, I heard him ask, "Could you buy me a meal?" She agreed and I turned back around and tried to focus on the menu as I realized that he tried to ask me first... and I walked right past him. On purpose.
Damn.
When I first came to college, one of the things that I had to get used to was the presence of homeless people and beggars here in the big city. Coming from small-town America, that was never something that I had to deal with; not everyone's situations were perfect, but you didn't almost trip over people lying in the street just hoping for a few coins. In the city, that's a much bigger issue, and at first, it tore me to pieces to see them lying there or sitting there. While I still don't like it, and my heart twinges a bit every time I walk past them, it's become easier and easier to walk past, just like every other city person. As long as you don't make eye contact it's fine, right?
Wrong.
As we left, a second homeless man came up and asked if my friend could buy him a meal, too. She had to say no, that she didn't have any more money. I could have gotten him something, but again, I didn't say anything. As we got into the car, my other friend said, "I was worried that was going to happen. I saw him watching you, and knew he was going to ask, too. It's so sad... but one person can't feed them all. We can't end world hunger just like that." And I thought to myself, Arwen, what are you doing??? I don't remember the last time I bought a meal for someone who needed it. I spent a ton of time complaining about how I don't have a car and sometimes I need my parents' help with rent, and I don't feel like eating the food that's in the freezer or I don't feel like cooking.
Wow.
Jaded.
I've spent so much time just passing people by in the streets that it doesn't faze me anymore, not like it used to, anyway. I've become so accustomed to just ducking my head and walking past... typically drinking my $5 Starbucks drink, in my high heels and jewelry... cross around my neck, proclaiming the opposite of my actions. Some Christian I am, not even stopping to buy a bagel at Einstein Bros for someone who needs it. Two bucks, five minutes out of my day. And yet I don't spare even that for someone else.
If every time I was tempted to get Starbucks I bought a homeless man or woman a meal instead... think how many mouths I could feed, just me. It's not that I don't have the money. Sometimes, even when I don't have money, I still manage to get a sugar-laden treat when someone else is starving to death. As I sit here typing this, I'm drinking my soda, typing on my Macbook, in my nice little one-bedroom apartment. Every night when I walk home, I pass a woman sleeping on the bench at the bus stop. When I leave in the morning, she'll be gone for the day, but I guarantee you she'll be back on that bench to sleep tomorrow night again.
Where are your priorities, Arwen? Why can you buy Starbucks but not buy a man a meal? Why is it so easy for you to walk past the woman on the bench and not even think to get her a blanket or something to keep her warm? What's happened to you?
I've become jaded. And it's a problem.
Thank you, girls, for revealing this to me. You may not have realized it, but thank you. It's time to do some more changing... in the right direction this time.
35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink?38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
- Matthew 25:35-40
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Hearing Day!
This post is basically going to be a bitch-fest, so don't say I didn't warn you.
Today is the day of my senior recital hearing. For the past several days I've eaten very little and slept even less trying to get everything ready and mostly memorized. I missed a class last Wednesday and now I'm missing the same class this week, because I'm a mess and I can't get my life under control. And also because I share a bathroom with my roommate, and she was in the bathroom when I needed to start curling my hair this morning and so I was running late and it's not like I could do it later because I don't have long enough breaks later and UGH.
I'm pissed because the class that I'm missing is literally my favorite class this semester. Awkwardly I don't even know what we're doing right now because I missed last week and I can't focus on anything between the lack of food and lack of sleep. I know I need to eat - I've been forcing myself to eat at least once a day - but I'm so anxious and nervous and uptight that it just makes me feel sick.
Also, we're pretty sure I had a panic attack on Saturday night. That was fun. Not. It's a long story, how it came about, and I'm not going to write it all out because I wouldn't be surprised to find that the cause of it reads this blog. But anyway. That was a thing. Thank God for my professor, who has been a godsend this entire year and has helped me get through all of this junk in my life and who called me Saturday night to help me get through the mess I was in.
Recital hearings are quite possibly the most nerve-wracking things ever. They stick you in a room with two professors who may or may not actually like and support you and then you perform your entire recital, just you and them and whatever cast you happen to have. Then they deliberate and decide if you're going to pass or fail, then they call you back in and tell you everything that's wrong with it and very little that's right and if you passed or not. If you don't fail, you have to come back and do the damn thing all over again.
This is utterly terrifying, just in general. It's made even worse when you're only given a week's notice! So, in less than a week, dances have choreographed, songs have been learned, monologues memorized, and although it's all done, we have one very freaked out girl. And everybody in the school keeps telling me to calm down and not freak out and to get out of my head, and what they don't understand is that no matter how much I try, it's going to happen anyway. Everything in my life is extreme, it always has been. I understand why people in high school didn't like me... because I was like this all the time. Luckily in college I've managed to calm down a good bit, but lately things have been amping up again. And I don't know how far it's going to go or how bad it's going to get.
I gave up a lot for Lent, I always do. I basically go vegan, like they did back in Medieval times (here, have an explanatory link: "Recreating Lent"), but this year it has been particularly hard. Two weeks ago I was home on spring break, and it's hard to avoid meat and alcohol when you're going out with friends. Then all of last week and this week, I've been eating so little in the first place that when I do eat something, it's gotta have protein... so I grab a Chick-fil-a sandwich and pray that God forgives me for breaking this fast again. That doesn't make it feel any less like I'm failing him somehow though.
And I think the worst part is that everyone is commenting that I'm losing weight. This terrifies me more that you could possibly know. I know I'll work back up to eating normally again once my life calms down a little bit, and it'll be fine. But I'm hoping and praying that I can do it in such a way that I can lose more weight by eating healthy than not eating at all. Because I know this is how eating disorders begin and I refuse to go there, flat-out refuse.
Of course, being in musical theatre there are people who seem to think that's the way to go. I want to tell anybody who is reading this to ignore that... I have a professor who I love dearly, but who loves to comment on my body, and it's getting to the point where I want to tell him to go f*** off. I just keep telling myself, only a few more weeks 'til running season and summer and then hopefully I can get healthy again and get him off my back.
And while he's in my mind, I have something else to say too. A joke was made yesterday about how a particular place can make a person "drink and slit their wrists." Everybody in the class laughed, and I wanted to punch a hole in the wall. I just sat in the corner and gritted my teeth, keeping it all in. This, I have to say. Cutting is not a fucking joke. From the perspective of someone who has been there, done that, it is not funny. It is sad and it is dangerous. Furthermore, it's addictive. Not everyone who does it does it for attention. In fact, I would argue that the people doing it for attention are the minority. No, I cannot vouch for everyone who has ever self-harmed, but I've done enough reading and I have enough experience from middle school to speak out about it. It's not something I often bring up, because along with the other things I never bring up, it's embarrassing. People who don't get it see it as a failing of some sort. Hell, I see it as a failing in myself. Or they think it's a cry for attention. Or sometimes, if they really don't know anything about it, they see it as a suicide attempt. Sometimes it is, but usually it's not.
Usually it's a release. It's a calming factor. It's a way to feel like you're taking control again, even though every time the blade bites in, you actually lose more control. It's a vicious cycle that makes you feel like a failure over and over again. You feel like a failure for falling into the trap in the first, which pulls you down, makes you miserable, and takes you right back to it. It's addictive. It can honestly be like a drug, because just like a drug, once you find that release, you just want to get back to that place over and over again. But also like a drug, the same amount doesn't do it every time. And it's a terrible downward spiral.
As soon as I have money, I'm getting my first tattoo. And I'm getting the words "You deserve to be loved because you exist" in white ink, small script, on the inside of my left wrist. Out of all the things I learned at college, that lesson has been the most important one. Maybe it's foolish, I don't know, but it's kept me going this entire year. It's the one truth I've been clinging to above all the others.
I'm here for a reason. God doesn't make garbage. He made me, and he loves me, and I deserve to be loved both by myself and by others.
And if I hear one more joke about slitting wrists or any other similar subject (I'm not even going to go into the callous remarks made about things Friday night), I will lose it and the person who said it will be very sorry. End of discussion.
Today is the day of my senior recital hearing. For the past several days I've eaten very little and slept even less trying to get everything ready and mostly memorized. I missed a class last Wednesday and now I'm missing the same class this week, because I'm a mess and I can't get my life under control. And also because I share a bathroom with my roommate, and she was in the bathroom when I needed to start curling my hair this morning and so I was running late and it's not like I could do it later because I don't have long enough breaks later and UGH.
I'm pissed because the class that I'm missing is literally my favorite class this semester. Awkwardly I don't even know what we're doing right now because I missed last week and I can't focus on anything between the lack of food and lack of sleep. I know I need to eat - I've been forcing myself to eat at least once a day - but I'm so anxious and nervous and uptight that it just makes me feel sick.
Also, we're pretty sure I had a panic attack on Saturday night. That was fun. Not. It's a long story, how it came about, and I'm not going to write it all out because I wouldn't be surprised to find that the cause of it reads this blog. But anyway. That was a thing. Thank God for my professor, who has been a godsend this entire year and has helped me get through all of this junk in my life and who called me Saturday night to help me get through the mess I was in.
Recital hearings are quite possibly the most nerve-wracking things ever. They stick you in a room with two professors who may or may not actually like and support you and then you perform your entire recital, just you and them and whatever cast you happen to have. Then they deliberate and decide if you're going to pass or fail, then they call you back in and tell you everything that's wrong with it and very little that's right and if you passed or not. If you don't fail, you have to come back and do the damn thing all over again.
This is utterly terrifying, just in general. It's made even worse when you're only given a week's notice! So, in less than a week, dances have choreographed, songs have been learned, monologues memorized, and although it's all done, we have one very freaked out girl. And everybody in the school keeps telling me to calm down and not freak out and to get out of my head, and what they don't understand is that no matter how much I try, it's going to happen anyway. Everything in my life is extreme, it always has been. I understand why people in high school didn't like me... because I was like this all the time. Luckily in college I've managed to calm down a good bit, but lately things have been amping up again. And I don't know how far it's going to go or how bad it's going to get.
I gave up a lot for Lent, I always do. I basically go vegan, like they did back in Medieval times (here, have an explanatory link: "Recreating Lent"), but this year it has been particularly hard. Two weeks ago I was home on spring break, and it's hard to avoid meat and alcohol when you're going out with friends. Then all of last week and this week, I've been eating so little in the first place that when I do eat something, it's gotta have protein... so I grab a Chick-fil-a sandwich and pray that God forgives me for breaking this fast again. That doesn't make it feel any less like I'm failing him somehow though.
And I think the worst part is that everyone is commenting that I'm losing weight. This terrifies me more that you could possibly know. I know I'll work back up to eating normally again once my life calms down a little bit, and it'll be fine. But I'm hoping and praying that I can do it in such a way that I can lose more weight by eating healthy than not eating at all. Because I know this is how eating disorders begin and I refuse to go there, flat-out refuse.
Of course, being in musical theatre there are people who seem to think that's the way to go. I want to tell anybody who is reading this to ignore that... I have a professor who I love dearly, but who loves to comment on my body, and it's getting to the point where I want to tell him to go f*** off. I just keep telling myself, only a few more weeks 'til running season and summer and then hopefully I can get healthy again and get him off my back.
And while he's in my mind, I have something else to say too. A joke was made yesterday about how a particular place can make a person "drink and slit their wrists." Everybody in the class laughed, and I wanted to punch a hole in the wall. I just sat in the corner and gritted my teeth, keeping it all in. This, I have to say. Cutting is not a fucking joke. From the perspective of someone who has been there, done that, it is not funny. It is sad and it is dangerous. Furthermore, it's addictive. Not everyone who does it does it for attention. In fact, I would argue that the people doing it for attention are the minority. No, I cannot vouch for everyone who has ever self-harmed, but I've done enough reading and I have enough experience from middle school to speak out about it. It's not something I often bring up, because along with the other things I never bring up, it's embarrassing. People who don't get it see it as a failing of some sort. Hell, I see it as a failing in myself. Or they think it's a cry for attention. Or sometimes, if they really don't know anything about it, they see it as a suicide attempt. Sometimes it is, but usually it's not.
Usually it's a release. It's a calming factor. It's a way to feel like you're taking control again, even though every time the blade bites in, you actually lose more control. It's a vicious cycle that makes you feel like a failure over and over again. You feel like a failure for falling into the trap in the first, which pulls you down, makes you miserable, and takes you right back to it. It's addictive. It can honestly be like a drug, because just like a drug, once you find that release, you just want to get back to that place over and over again. But also like a drug, the same amount doesn't do it every time. And it's a terrible downward spiral.
As soon as I have money, I'm getting my first tattoo. And I'm getting the words "You deserve to be loved because you exist" in white ink, small script, on the inside of my left wrist. Out of all the things I learned at college, that lesson has been the most important one. Maybe it's foolish, I don't know, but it's kept me going this entire year. It's the one truth I've been clinging to above all the others.
I'm here for a reason. God doesn't make garbage. He made me, and he loves me, and I deserve to be loved both by myself and by others.
And if I hear one more joke about slitting wrists or any other similar subject (I'm not even going to go into the callous remarks made about things Friday night), I will lose it and the person who said it will be very sorry. End of discussion.
Friday, February 07, 2014
Thoughts
Just some pyschological musings tonight... having completed the first day of a workout, I'm feeling very proud of myself (even as my abs are still spasming). I find myself wondering, why is it that the feeling of pride I get on the first day isn't enough to motivate me on the third? Why is it that I'm so happy when my place is finally clean, but never quite happy enough to keep it clean? How I can I look at myself in the mirror and be pleased one day and disgusted the next?
Human nature, I suppose. These ramblings are tumbling over each other in my head and I think I really ought to just go to sleep and forget about them. But they're there, all the same.
Why is pride in oneself and one's work never enough to propel one in a forwardly direction?
Human nature, I suppose. These ramblings are tumbling over each other in my head and I think I really ought to just go to sleep and forget about them. But they're there, all the same.
Why is pride in oneself and one's work never enough to propel one in a forwardly direction?
Wednesday, January 01, 2014
DAME ANGELA!
In honor of the beautiful, talented Angela Lansbury being made a dame (bloody finally), I've compiled a list of my top ten favorite Angela moments from her shows and movies to share with you. :)
10. Mrs. Sue-Ellen Gamadge from Gore Vidal's "The Best Man." This was the only show I've ever seen Dame Angela in, and I loved it!
8. Mrs. 'Arris Goes to Paris! The entire movie is an absolute gem.
7. Gwendolyn the Fair in The Court Jester. Costars in this film included Basil Rathbone, the incomparable Danny Kaye, and Glynis Johns. (This video focuses on Danny Kaye rather than Angela, but I couldn't find a good clip of her... so enjoy this one and then go watch the full film).
6. Send in the Clowns
5. Cracking up with Len Cariou in "A Little Priest."
4. DAME Angela and DAME Julie during the Julie Andrews Hour! Not many people remember the Julie Andrews Hour (I believe it only lasted a season) but during that season, the performances were just as star-studded as the Carol Burnett Show. In these two clips, you'll also see Steve Lawrence and Rich Little, two other very fine performers. Dream show? Arsenic and Old Lace starring Angela and Julie as Abigail and Martha Brewster. Hurry, somebody mount that!
3. "We Need a Little Christmas" with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. One of the reasons I love Angela is because she's grown old gracefully, and is still performing with the same beauty and agility that she has for years. This video shows that.
2. Almost Young from Mrs. Santa Claus. One of my favorite roles for her... she IS Mrs. Santa Claus.
1. Bosom Buddies with Bea Arthur at the 1987 Tony Awards. Two fabulous ladies cutting up and absolutely having a blast. What's not to love? Also, Angela knows how to dress... when I get my first Tony, I fully intend to wear a gown more or less exactly like this.
10. Mrs. Sue-Ellen Gamadge from Gore Vidal's "The Best Man." This was the only show I've ever seen Dame Angela in, and I loved it!
9. Madame Armfeldt - Liaisons from Sondheim's "A Little Night Music."
8. Mrs. 'Arris Goes to Paris! The entire movie is an absolute gem.
7. Gwendolyn the Fair in The Court Jester. Costars in this film included Basil Rathbone, the incomparable Danny Kaye, and Glynis Johns. (This video focuses on Danny Kaye rather than Angela, but I couldn't find a good clip of her... so enjoy this one and then go watch the full film).
6. Send in the Clowns
5. Cracking up with Len Cariou in "A Little Priest."
4. DAME Angela and DAME Julie during the Julie Andrews Hour! Not many people remember the Julie Andrews Hour (I believe it only lasted a season) but during that season, the performances were just as star-studded as the Carol Burnett Show. In these two clips, you'll also see Steve Lawrence and Rich Little, two other very fine performers. Dream show? Arsenic and Old Lace starring Angela and Julie as Abigail and Martha Brewster. Hurry, somebody mount that!
2. Almost Young from Mrs. Santa Claus. One of my favorite roles for her... she IS Mrs. Santa Claus.
1. Bosom Buddies with Bea Arthur at the 1987 Tony Awards. Two fabulous ladies cutting up and absolutely having a blast. What's not to love? Also, Angela knows how to dress... when I get my first Tony, I fully intend to wear a gown more or less exactly like this.
There you have it! My favorite Angela moments. I love this lady and I hope I have her passion, drive, and class when I'm eighty-some years old! Hope you enjoyed the list!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
2013
I usually feel obligated to post something on New Year's Eve, but I usually do it through facebook rather than this blog. I rarely do anything through this blog anymore... but it's a little past 2 am on New Year's Eve of 2013, and I can't sleep yet... what better time to reflect on the ups and downs of the past year, to dream about what 2014 might hold and to make a few foolish resolutions that will probably be broken in a matter of days than now? ;)
2013 has been filled with ups and downs... if I'm honest with myself, there are probably more ups than downs, really. I can't even think of any crappy moments right now, I'm so overwhelmed thinking about the wonderful ones! Top moments include singing at Vice President Biden's Christmas party, performing in my first college production ("The Pajama Game" with Montgomery College Summer Dinner Theatre), the first time I confided in my at-school "dad" (and all of the subsequent times with him), starting the Beauty in You Campaign (which you can visit on facebook or my photography website!), finding out my best friend is pregnant again, the last Christmas concert with my class, moving into my new apartment with my dear friend and roommate Kate, celebrating my best friend's 21st birthday, the March for Life, all the time I've spent at the Towne Taverne or Bull Run with Janny and Celina, celebrating my 21st birthday with my dear Madame, seeing Great Big Sea in concert, getting my first professional headshots done, the moments spent rocking Miss Coraline Brock to sleep, finding my attitude in dance class and making Shawn's picture wall, taking tons of pictures for my amazing friends and family, being bridesmaid for my childhood best friend as she married her Prince Charming, seeing four of my dearest friends tie the knot, time spent at San Antonio's with some of the MT '14 gang, time spent assistant directing "The Drowsy Chaperone," and passing my last undergraduate music theory class!
Of course, all the times I've spent with my family and my dear friends who might as well be family were the backbone of my year. There are all of the board games I've played with Dad and the boys, all of the shopping Mom and I have done together. There are all of the photo shoots and wonderful times spent just hanging out with my best friend Sarah, and the hugs and kisses from Ricky. There are the times I've spent with all four of my ladies: Madame, Debbie, Alicia, and Janny. Most recently I've been spending quite a bit of time with Jan... and somehow I haven't driven her completely crazy yet! Lol. I've grown closer to some old friends (Jenn), let go of some old grudges (Katie), and forged new relationships (Nicki). I've spent tons of time with James and Hannah just being crazy, and time with Kenzie watching old musicals and eating Chinese together.
I've spend more time that I like being down and depressed for no good reason. I've wasted a lot of tears on foolish things or people; I've cried honestly about things I can't help but wish I could. I've gotten angry over nothing. But I've gotten some better. And looking back through diary entries and facebook posts/messages, it is beyond clear to me that even when I've felt most alone, I've been surrounded by people who love me; all I have to do is pick up the phone and send a text or make a phone call. They're there for me, I just need to get away from myself enough to realize that.
Which brings me to my hopes for 2014. Fourteen goals/hopes/non-resolutions for the New Year:
1. Make a point of contacting all of the important people in my life at least once a week, including my family, my bestie, and my ladies. I can't complain about staying in touch if I don't make a concerted effort to stay in touch with them. On that note, make sure they know what they mean to me; any conversation could be the last.
2. Finish a novel, preferably either Khasa, Uncommon Soldier, Histoire d'Amour, or one of the Chloe MacPherson novels (but any novel will do!).
3. Avoid falling into depression and selfishness by focusing on the people in my life, rather than the people that are missing from it.
4. Do everything possible for a healthier, happier Jade... like cutting out processed foods again and running or swimming on my days off from dance class.
5. Be a better example for my cousins and my sweet "nephews," Ricky and Shain... in everything; live my life like I'd want them to live theirs.
6. Finish enough music for a cd release.
7. Get rid of the extra stuff in my life... like the books and shoes and whatnot that I never use.
8. Audition for more shows and perform in my first professional theatrical production.
9. Stop skipping class and avoiding homework. Even though I can't possibly make Dean's list at this point, I can still do a heck of a lot better than I have been.
10. Try to live up to the cross around my neck, in every possible way.
11. Make official plans to leave the country for the first time. Get that passport and get ready to go... then do it.
12. Party a little more. Freak out a little less. I'm 22 and single... there's no reason to spend every Friday night in my apartment.
13. Stop being afraid of the dating scene. Go on at least three dates by 2015... that's a liberal estimate considering my track record at this point! ;)
14. Be a more beautiful, happier, more confident Jade by 2015. Know what's happening next and be okay with it... whether that's DC, Mifflinburg, New York, California, France, Canada... pray for the possibilities throughout this year, and graduate knowing the basic logistics of what is coming next.
It's a tall order. And I'm sure I won't remember half of them... plus I'm notoriously bad at actually reaching goals like these. But they're worth the long shot, all of them.
Tomorrow when I finally crawl out of bed (today, rather), I'm cleaning out the car and then taking my camera on an adventure. We're visiting all of my haunts here in Mifflinburg and the surrounding areas... by the end of the day I will have a black and white photolog of this incredible place to take with me. I don't know what's happening in my life; I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. But I know how much my home means to me... and I know that will never slip away.
Until I write again, happy New Year. May your 2014 be abundantly blessed, and may you keep your resolutions this time around. ;)
2013 has been filled with ups and downs... if I'm honest with myself, there are probably more ups than downs, really. I can't even think of any crappy moments right now, I'm so overwhelmed thinking about the wonderful ones! Top moments include singing at Vice President Biden's Christmas party, performing in my first college production ("The Pajama Game" with Montgomery College Summer Dinner Theatre), the first time I confided in my at-school "dad" (and all of the subsequent times with him), starting the Beauty in You Campaign (which you can visit on facebook or my photography website!), finding out my best friend is pregnant again, the last Christmas concert with my class, moving into my new apartment with my dear friend and roommate Kate, celebrating my best friend's 21st birthday, the March for Life, all the time I've spent at the Towne Taverne or Bull Run with Janny and Celina, celebrating my 21st birthday with my dear Madame, seeing Great Big Sea in concert, getting my first professional headshots done, the moments spent rocking Miss Coraline Brock to sleep, finding my attitude in dance class and making Shawn's picture wall, taking tons of pictures for my amazing friends and family, being bridesmaid for my childhood best friend as she married her Prince Charming, seeing four of my dearest friends tie the knot, time spent at San Antonio's with some of the MT '14 gang, time spent assistant directing "The Drowsy Chaperone," and passing my last undergraduate music theory class!
Of course, all the times I've spent with my family and my dear friends who might as well be family were the backbone of my year. There are all of the board games I've played with Dad and the boys, all of the shopping Mom and I have done together. There are all of the photo shoots and wonderful times spent just hanging out with my best friend Sarah, and the hugs and kisses from Ricky. There are the times I've spent with all four of my ladies: Madame, Debbie, Alicia, and Janny. Most recently I've been spending quite a bit of time with Jan... and somehow I haven't driven her completely crazy yet! Lol. I've grown closer to some old friends (Jenn), let go of some old grudges (Katie), and forged new relationships (Nicki). I've spent tons of time with James and Hannah just being crazy, and time with Kenzie watching old musicals and eating Chinese together.
I've spend more time that I like being down and depressed for no good reason. I've wasted a lot of tears on foolish things or people; I've cried honestly about things I can't help but wish I could. I've gotten angry over nothing. But I've gotten some better. And looking back through diary entries and facebook posts/messages, it is beyond clear to me that even when I've felt most alone, I've been surrounded by people who love me; all I have to do is pick up the phone and send a text or make a phone call. They're there for me, I just need to get away from myself enough to realize that.
Which brings me to my hopes for 2014. Fourteen goals/hopes/non-resolutions for the New Year:
1. Make a point of contacting all of the important people in my life at least once a week, including my family, my bestie, and my ladies. I can't complain about staying in touch if I don't make a concerted effort to stay in touch with them. On that note, make sure they know what they mean to me; any conversation could be the last.
2. Finish a novel, preferably either Khasa, Uncommon Soldier, Histoire d'Amour, or one of the Chloe MacPherson novels (but any novel will do!).
3. Avoid falling into depression and selfishness by focusing on the people in my life, rather than the people that are missing from it.
4. Do everything possible for a healthier, happier Jade... like cutting out processed foods again and running or swimming on my days off from dance class.
5. Be a better example for my cousins and my sweet "nephews," Ricky and Shain... in everything; live my life like I'd want them to live theirs.
6. Finish enough music for a cd release.
7. Get rid of the extra stuff in my life... like the books and shoes and whatnot that I never use.
8. Audition for more shows and perform in my first professional theatrical production.
9. Stop skipping class and avoiding homework. Even though I can't possibly make Dean's list at this point, I can still do a heck of a lot better than I have been.
10. Try to live up to the cross around my neck, in every possible way.
11. Make official plans to leave the country for the first time. Get that passport and get ready to go... then do it.
12. Party a little more. Freak out a little less. I'm 22 and single... there's no reason to spend every Friday night in my apartment.
13. Stop being afraid of the dating scene. Go on at least three dates by 2015... that's a liberal estimate considering my track record at this point! ;)
14. Be a more beautiful, happier, more confident Jade by 2015. Know what's happening next and be okay with it... whether that's DC, Mifflinburg, New York, California, France, Canada... pray for the possibilities throughout this year, and graduate knowing the basic logistics of what is coming next.
It's a tall order. And I'm sure I won't remember half of them... plus I'm notoriously bad at actually reaching goals like these. But they're worth the long shot, all of them.
Tomorrow when I finally crawl out of bed (today, rather), I'm cleaning out the car and then taking my camera on an adventure. We're visiting all of my haunts here in Mifflinburg and the surrounding areas... by the end of the day I will have a black and white photolog of this incredible place to take with me. I don't know what's happening in my life; I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. But I know how much my home means to me... and I know that will never slip away.
Until I write again, happy New Year. May your 2014 be abundantly blessed, and may you keep your resolutions this time around. ;)
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Babies Having Babies
The next person who tells me that I can't have children or get married now or that I don't want to get married and have babies now is going to hear a long, winded diatribe. I have had enough.
I don't give a damn if you got married young and it worked out. I don't care if you waited and it worked out. If you were married young and it didn't work, I'm sorry, but you're not me. If you waited and it still didn't work out, again, I'm sorry. But I have news for you: I'm not freaking you. I have my own life to live, and my own mistakes to make; believe me, there will be plenty of them!
Marriage and parenting are two major things that everyone thinks they know about and guess what? No one is perfect! Keep your nose in your own marriage and children... maybe fewer people would get divorced if they did less meddling and more focusing on their own families. Besides, why does anyone care whether I get married young or old, whether I have babies now or later? I'm sorry, I don't want to wait until I'm forty to start trying, only to find out that the expiration date on my eggs was years ago.
Yes, I'm well aware that many women have children at forty and older. This is not a scientific essay, it is a rant. If young marriage and parenting isn't for you, great! You do you! If marriage and parenting isn't for you at all, great! Again, you do you! But let me do me!
There is so much feminist talk in this world. Everyone wants equality, everyone lobbies for identical rights and whatnot. Well, fine. But I have more news for you. Women are not men. There are things that women were designed to do (like having babies). Why is it that equality and rights are great when it comes to things like jobs, voting, etc. (all of which I am grateful for) but when it comes to wanting to get married and have kids, any woman who wants that over job security is looked down upon?? That's insane! Other women should not put down a woman who wants to get married and have children. That's just plain wrong. Why are we destroying each other's dreams? I'm not going to judge you too much for wanting a career instead of children. I may not be able to understand it, but whatever... if that's you, then great. But could you please stop telling me what you think is right for me? You are not the author of my life, and in most cases, you don't even know me well enough to know whether I'd be a good mother or not.
That said, to my utter heartbreak, there is no man in my life to marry me and be a father to these hypothetical children, and at 21, there is no way I could or would adopt little ones. But that doesn't make the desire any less intense. I dare you to imagine having your career stripped away from you, to have people constantly tell you that you don't want that or can't want that, and tell me it doesn't wear on you and grate on you.
All I want in life is to be a wife and mother. That does not make me less of a woman than the business exec.
And the fact that I even had to write that last sentence is beyond ridiculous.
I don't give a damn if you got married young and it worked out. I don't care if you waited and it worked out. If you were married young and it didn't work, I'm sorry, but you're not me. If you waited and it still didn't work out, again, I'm sorry. But I have news for you: I'm not freaking you. I have my own life to live, and my own mistakes to make; believe me, there will be plenty of them!
Marriage and parenting are two major things that everyone thinks they know about and guess what? No one is perfect! Keep your nose in your own marriage and children... maybe fewer people would get divorced if they did less meddling and more focusing on their own families. Besides, why does anyone care whether I get married young or old, whether I have babies now or later? I'm sorry, I don't want to wait until I'm forty to start trying, only to find out that the expiration date on my eggs was years ago.
Yes, I'm well aware that many women have children at forty and older. This is not a scientific essay, it is a rant. If young marriage and parenting isn't for you, great! You do you! If marriage and parenting isn't for you at all, great! Again, you do you! But let me do me!
There is so much feminist talk in this world. Everyone wants equality, everyone lobbies for identical rights and whatnot. Well, fine. But I have more news for you. Women are not men. There are things that women were designed to do (like having babies). Why is it that equality and rights are great when it comes to things like jobs, voting, etc. (all of which I am grateful for) but when it comes to wanting to get married and have kids, any woman who wants that over job security is looked down upon?? That's insane! Other women should not put down a woman who wants to get married and have children. That's just plain wrong. Why are we destroying each other's dreams? I'm not going to judge you too much for wanting a career instead of children. I may not be able to understand it, but whatever... if that's you, then great. But could you please stop telling me what you think is right for me? You are not the author of my life, and in most cases, you don't even know me well enough to know whether I'd be a good mother or not.
That said, to my utter heartbreak, there is no man in my life to marry me and be a father to these hypothetical children, and at 21, there is no way I could or would adopt little ones. But that doesn't make the desire any less intense. I dare you to imagine having your career stripped away from you, to have people constantly tell you that you don't want that or can't want that, and tell me it doesn't wear on you and grate on you.
All I want in life is to be a wife and mother. That does not make me less of a woman than the business exec.
And the fact that I even had to write that last sentence is beyond ridiculous.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)