I've always hated the word "jaded." I hate that it is such a negative thing and has my name in it; that's always bothered me. I didn't want my name to be associated with anything negative like that. But tonight, I think it's the most fitting word I can come up with.
When you go off to college, you know things will change. You'll lose or gain weight perhaps, you'll grow in knowledge and experience. You'll learn to be more independent, to do things like laundry, dishes, and how exactly to go about unclogging a nasty tub drain and how to clean out the refrigerator without triggering your gag reflex (still working on that one). But not every change is necessarily a good one.
I sort of had that realization tonight. As two of my friends and I were heading home from a callback prep session, we stopped at a neighborhood McDonald's. One of the girls was hesitant to go in because there were a number of semi-swarthy characters hanging around and it was 11 o'clock at night, but I reassured her that I go in there all the time and it's fine. As we walk inside, I hear a man's voice to my left. "Ma'am? Excuse me, Ma'am?" I kept walking, ignoring him as I usually do. But one of the girls stopped to speak to him. My automatic thought was to leap into protective momma mode and make sure she was okay, but as I was starting to turn around to make sure, I heard him ask, "Could you buy me a meal?" She agreed and I turned back around and tried to focus on the menu as I realized that he tried to ask me first... and I walked right past him. On purpose.
Damn.
When I first came to college, one of the things that I had to get used to was the presence of homeless people and beggars here in the big city. Coming from small-town America, that was never something that I had to deal with; not everyone's situations were perfect, but you didn't almost trip over people lying in the street just hoping for a few coins. In the city, that's a much bigger issue, and at first, it tore me to pieces to see them lying there or sitting there. While I still don't like it, and my heart twinges a bit every time I walk past them, it's become easier and easier to walk past, just like every other city person. As long as you don't make eye contact it's fine, right?
Wrong.
As we left, a second homeless man came up and asked if my friend could buy him a meal, too. She had to say no, that she didn't have any more money. I could have gotten him something, but again, I didn't say anything. As we got into the car, my other friend said, "I was worried that was going to happen. I saw him watching you, and knew he was going to ask, too. It's so sad... but one person can't feed them all. We can't end world hunger just like that." And I thought to myself, Arwen, what are you doing??? I don't remember the last time I bought a meal for someone who needed it. I spent a ton of time complaining about how I don't have a car and sometimes I need my parents' help with rent, and I don't feel like eating the food that's in the freezer or I don't feel like cooking.
Wow.
Jaded.
I've spent so much time just passing people by in the streets that it doesn't faze me anymore, not like it used to, anyway. I've become so accustomed to just ducking my head and walking past... typically drinking my $5 Starbucks drink, in my high heels and jewelry... cross around my neck, proclaiming the opposite of my actions. Some Christian I am, not even stopping to buy a bagel at Einstein Bros for someone who needs it. Two bucks, five minutes out of my day. And yet I don't spare even that for someone else.
If every time I was tempted to get Starbucks I bought a homeless man or woman a meal instead... think how many mouths I could feed, just me. It's not that I don't have the money. Sometimes, even when I don't have money, I still manage to get a sugar-laden treat when someone else is starving to death. As I sit here typing this, I'm drinking my soda, typing on my Macbook, in my nice little one-bedroom apartment. Every night when I walk home, I pass a woman sleeping on the bench at the bus stop. When I leave in the morning, she'll be gone for the day, but I guarantee you she'll be back on that bench to sleep tomorrow night again.
Where are your priorities, Arwen? Why can you buy Starbucks but not buy a man a meal? Why is it so easy for you to walk past the woman on the bench and not even think to get her a blanket or something to keep her warm? What's happened to you?
I've become jaded. And it's a problem.
Thank you, girls, for revealing this to me. You may not have realized it, but thank you. It's time to do some more changing... in the right direction this time.
35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink?38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
- Matthew 25:35-40
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