My Random Vent... since Courtney loves them so much! ;)

Well, basically, here's life for me:

I'm no longer friends with Jenn, and I feel like I've lost my sister. She and I had a pathetic fight and we both said and did some really nasty things, and I'm sorry that this had to happen and don't know how to tell her what. We were so close for so long, we were closer than sisters, and I don't know what I'm going to do now that it's over.

I hate going to church. We're doing angel tree and I can't walk past the dang table without crying. I'm sick of all the hypocrisy; people being oh so righteous in church and then being a pain in everyone's butt outside of church. Yelling at me for swearing and then turning around and calling someone a be-otch. Complaining about how immodest my clothing is and showing more cleavage than I do half the time. Complaining about how people treat them and then treating me the same way. I'm sick of the politics of church. I'm sick of how they treat the teen volunteers. They want us to volunteer, but it's not like we're worth anything to them! We're disposable. Teens can't be caregivers in the nursery because they have no experience, they're irresponsible, bla bla bla. I am just as responsible as the ninety year old who raised 100 grandchildren - and less likely to drop dead any day (from old age anyway). I'll be sixteen in exactly 25 hours and 48 minutes... so I have two years until I'll be eighteen, the magic switch will flip, and I'll suddenly be a responsible adult! OOOO, wow..... In the meantime, I get to sit in church and have my grandfather stare at my bust. Joy unspeakable.

Oh, and I have more school work than I know what to do with. This week is christkindl here in cowtown, and so I have two concerts to do and I have to bake "Buche de Noel" and work in the French Club Cafe. I also have a six-page biology report to finish for tomorrow. Yes, that's right... tomorrow!

One good thing: I'm so excited that Courtney's getting married! I can't wait! She asked me to help her plan and I'm so happy. I feel really special and important, and I learned tonight that she didn't despise me and think I was annoying my whole life like I thought she did. And than almost compensates for all of the other CRAP that is going on. So, thank you Courtney.

So, basically, if you pray, pray for me now. I need help and support now more than ever. OH! I forgot the other really big thing (which I'm sure you all know about by now anyway). Aunt Glenda's back. She's living with Grammy again and I don't know if I can deal with it. I was so excited for Christmas and now I'm not so sure about anything again. So please, pray for me.

Here's the poem that I wrote in my aim info. Please take it figuratively, not seriously, but read it. It's reading my bare soul to read that poem.

Hanging from the nearest tree
With a rope around my neck
The rope is frayed...
I'm afraid it's soon going to snap.
I'm afraid to go
But I'm afraid to stay
There's so much I know
So much I hate
So much I fear
And I wonder
Truly, deeply wonder...
Is it too late?
Too late to live?
Too late to die?
Too late to be more
Than just another person
On this crowded earth
Just another student trying to graduate
Just another face
Just another name...
Another someone to forget.
Don't forget!
Remember me!
I want to be more!
I want to be special!
There's still time...
Cut this rope from around my neck
Let me down
Let me live
Let me be....
Let me be me.

I learned my lesson once, never again will I truly contemplate suicide. I made that vow to God, myself, and my family. So don't worry. Just pray.