I don't know why I feel this way, truly. I have a decent life right now. I'm crazy busy with play (we're performing Cheaper by the Dozen, in which I play Ernestine Gilbreth, the second oldest daughter and the antagonist of the play), ballet has entirely consumed my life, and school is as laborious as usual. It's not all that bad, though. I love French and Choir (of course), I'm the reporter-historian for French Club, and co-secretary for Drama Club. I actually understand Chemistry (I'm passing with an 87%), and Trigonometry is actually super, super easy. Go figure! The class I'm having the hardest time with, of all things, is *gasp* COMMUNICATIONS! What the heck? Communications has always been super simple for me, and now it's driving me nuts! It's still easy, but is soooo dull. I like what we're doing, but it's just skipping from one work to the next, no true flow or point (sorry, Ms. Faunce, but I have to be honest here). Perhaps I will like it better once we read The Scarlet Letter... I love that book!
So, seriously, I have no reason or room to complain about anything! Life is great, I'm auditioning for districts Friday, I'm going to a lecture with Mrs. Rapson on Sunday (HAL PRINCE!!!! OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!), I got to see Hamlet with my daddy last Friday (and it was absolutely incredible - I got to meet the actors!), and life should be great.
But something is strange. I cannot seem to put my finger on it, but it's as though I'm not really living my life. I feel like a ghost, just passing through an existence. It's such a strange feeling, but something is up... and I don't think it's just me and my head... there's something greater going on here, something that I don't know that I can easily control.
Perhaps it's just that I am so busy, I never have time to settle down and think for myself, or actually spend time with my family. I cannot name the last time I hung out with my extended family... I don't recall the last time I actually played with my dear cousins. I'm constantly going, going, going, and, oh, dear Lord, I have to go to college... really soon! I don't want to go to college... but I know if I don't, I will be disappointing so many, many people. I can't do that to them. But I've done a complete 180 from my position a year ago. A year ago, I couldn't wait to get out of here. Mifflinburg is so dull, there's nothing to do, it's awful, I can't wait to leave... Bla bla bla... I was so stupid! I am so stupid.
A year ago, on October 15th, I wrote this:
How many more hysterectomies do I have to deal with? I'm so afraid. Today was Aunt Caterina's hysterectomy, and I couldn't be with her, I had to be with her kids. I kept having flashbacks of the day I skipped school to stay with Megan at Hershey. I was so afraid, I felt so nervous. I didn't know if she would live or not; I had no clue how risky surgery would or wouldn't be. I didn't know if I'd ever see Megan again.
Now today, with Aunt Caterina, I knew that it wasn't going to be a huge deal. But I was still frightened and anxious... and, I'm ashamed to admit, as worried about my own future as I was her own experience. I'm afraid I'll never have children. Ever. Oh, and I also found out that my mother had a hysterectomy... and NEVER BOTHERED TO TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!!
Lately, everything from the past several years has crashing back to me. I've heard that Aunt Glenda (dare I call her that?) has moved again and that she isn't with Justin anymore. This of course, was a rumor by way of Devante, but no one else has bothered to tell me anything. I haven't seen Uncle Wally - who's technically not my uncle - since he moved. I only talked to him once. And now Nicholynn and Megan are moving even farther away, and I thought I was mature enough to deal with it. I'm not as upset as I was the first time, but I feel like a piece of me is taking a world tour... while I stay here in Boredom-Heartache County. I miss my old life. A lot.
And I miss Zack. I know Jenn thinks he's pathetic and thinks this is just a passing crush, but I think I truly love him. Would I miss him this much if I didn't? I don't think this longing, this yearning to see him again, would be possible without love.
And I long for New York. I long for my precious Broadway, for my dear, dear city.
My heart is broken into a million pieces, each one being torn a different way. Figuratively speaking, I'm hanging from a sturdy tree with a frayed rope around my neck, the very life squeezed from within me. And I just want to curl up and cry. But I don't want to cry alone.... I want to tell someone, anyone, what's happening, why I'm afraid, why I wish to get away from it all. I want to be free from all of this. I want to fly, fly as far away as possible. And, when I get wherever I'm going, I want my sweet Zack to be waiting there for me. I want the past behind me, crushed into a thousand pieces, and only our future - his, mine, and ours together as one - laid before me, a pathway of diamonds glittering in the starlight of a perfect evening. Oh, if only I could soar to my dreams, leave all that binds me, and live.... truly live.....
Wow, was I ever naive. I still feel some of the same thoughts, but I've come to grips with many things. Aunt Caterina survived. I know that my "old life" is not coming back... ever. And I'm OK with that. I have better things to do than sit around and pine over the life and the people that I've lost. There's a bumper sticker on Facebook that sums this up perfectly - "Forget about the people from your past. There's a reason they didn't make it to your future." Now, mind you, I'm not saying that I don't still love all of you (Aunt Glenda, Uncle Wally, Nicholynn, Megan, Courtney), but I know that we all have to have our lives, and I may never see you again. As I type this, I can feel my heart race as it always does before I cry... but I refuse to cry this time.
I learned that Jenn was right about Zack. He's a stupid, pompous, GAY jerk. And he was a waste of my time. All boys are a waste of my time right now. I have more important things to think about. My life does not need to be consumed with longing for something that I will never have. Mind you, if there is some wonderful gentlemen who is absolutely head over heels for me, please say something, because I do desperately need a prom date... and a few other dates wouldn't be bad, either. If, however (as my dad has often said), "You don't have anything good to say, then don't say anything at all!" I know I'm short, I know I'm not Barbie-doll skinny, I know I'm loud and obnoxious, and I know full well that I will never have sex until I'm married. So if you want any of that, get away from me.
And I've learned that there is more to life than Broadway and NYC. Don't get me wrong, I love them sooo much, and want nothing more than to play on that glorious stage someday... but when the final curtain closes, I want my parents, my friends, my teachers, my mentors... I want them all to have backstage passes so they can share in my victory, the victory that I always said could be mine. I owe my life and myself to all of them, and I cannot imagine my life without them.
So, truly, what has this long, rambling post said? I don't know, really... hopefully it has helped me realize a little more who I am, and what I am doing here... but I doubt I will ever know until I have gotten a little rest (seeing as it is 11:19 PM). So, to bed I go. I pray God's will and blessings upon you.
For tonight, je t'aime.
<3
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