When Life Gives You the Middle Finger....

Well.  Sometimes life doesn't work out like you want it to work out.  And while it's tempting to give the finger back and scream, "SCREW YOU!!!!!!!!!" this attitude generally doesn't get you anywhere... except maybe in trouble. So.

The last month and a half of my life has been half-Hell, half-Heaven. I suppose I'm in Purgatory. I'm not sure exactly why I'm being punished, although I could take some good guesses. I'm a good girl. Sometimes. And I'm trying to be better.

Anyway, you know Peter, the love of my life, my soldier boy who I was going to spend the rest of my life with and be happy with forever? Well, he dumped me in December. Three weeks away from getting engaged, ring and all, we had registries and everything, and he turned tail and ran. Said he "couldn't do it anymore," that he "had nothing left to give." While I personally think that's a load of bull, I had no choice in the matter. He is gone... and this time, I don't think he's coming back. We've talked some since then, but I get accused of being crazy and attacking him, and now he has unfriended me and is ignoring me. It's killing me. Every night I go to bed and I can just feel his arms around me. I dream about us, about our relationship, about our future... and then I wake up and realize that everything I loved and believed in was a lie. This has been the Hell part of the past month and a half. I would do anything to get him back. Anything to be happy and in love again, to put this behind us, get married, and be together forever. But I must have done some pretty bad crap and be in the lowest level of Purgatory, because even though the desire is there, my anger and hurt has gotten in the way and destroyed pretty much any hope there ever was that we would get back together. Have I attacked? Yes. Have I said hurtful things? Yes. I called him a coward. And a child. And honestly, running away from your commitments just because you're going through a rough time is cowardly. It's what Glenda and Grammy and everybody like that did. It's what I've done and sworn I would never do again. But I didn't need to say it so brutally... or so frequently. I want him in my arms again.

There has been a (sorta) bright side to this. That being that I've been home for over a month, the longest I've been home since I left for college in August of 2010. I'm living with my parents, taking a semester off of college, and rediscovering some of the best relationships of my life, relationships that never really went anywhere but faded into the background a little bit. The most prominent of these (besides my family - my brothers and I get along better now than we have in years) are Miss Alicia, Madame, Jess, and Sarah (Haines) Smith. I've started dancing with Miss Alicia again, and I've discovered that I'm at my best and my happiest when I'm focusing nonstop on beating my body into dancing shape. But more than that, when I'm at the studio and with Miss Alicia, the conversation picks up like I never went anywhere. She doesn't judge me, she understands needing to reroute your life when stuff like this happens. She supports me, and I don't know what I'd do without her on my side right now. Madame is another great lady and amazing friend who has made this a billion times easier. We've spent a good deal of time together in the past three weeks, and she is full of wisdom and support. She doesn't judge me either, she is supporting me, helping me look for a job, when she sees I'm upset, she does crazy things to help make it better. Her smile is infectious, and I can't help feeling happier when I'm around her. I swear she's an angel.

The other two are Jessie (and her adorable baby, my nephew Aiden!) and Sarah. Two of my friends who didn't go off to college, they're around and just as bored as I am most of the time, haha, and so we've spent a lot of time together too. I wonder why I never bothered to spend more time with them before... I regret that to a degree, but I also think we probably couldn't have been as close then. We would've killed each other! I was too much of a drama queen (I know, I still am... believe it or not, I've done my best to get rid of a lot of drama)... it would've driven them nuts.

So that's life. I miss Peter more than I can possibly say. I want to scream and cry and hit him and hold him and kiss him and love him all at the same time. I'm dancing and singing here at home, looking for a job (if you know of any nearby, PLEASE let me know!), fostering some very deep friendships that have needed fostering for awhile, and hoping and praying I'll make enough money to go to France in the spring.

Oh, yeah! France! I'm trying to get in with a program to be a live-in English tutor in France for two months. It's in a little city called Montpellier on the Mediterranean, and it would be the perfect job for me! So we'll see what happens.

The other thing that's been happening is (despite the title and volatile nature of most of this post) is that I've been doing my best to get closer to God. Going to mass every Sunday instead of making excuses (yes, I confessed it). Singing in mass sometimes, going to Great Adventure again, doing devotions every day, and in general, doing my best to grow as close to the heart of God as possible. I know he has a plan for me, and as much as this hurts right now, eventually I'll understand why, and something good will come of it. Maybe it will be something as simple - and crucial - as a closer walk with God. Maybe God brought Peter and me together so he could help me make the decision to be Catholic. Maybe more. The one thing I know for certain is that this is not the end of the road for me, and as much as it feels like it won't sometimes, the sun will still rise in the morning, and tomorrow will be another day. If tomorrow is crappy, well, the sun will set again and rise the next morning, giving me another chance to be better still. And so it goes. With God's strength, I will prevail.