Reflections

I took about two hours tonight and reread this entire blog... wow. I have to say, I am more than a little shocked at the things that I've written here over the past seven years. In more recent years, it's tapered off, to the point that this post in May is the first one for 2013, and honestly, that may be a good thing.

Reading back over these posts was, for the most part, incredibly embarrassing, kinda funny, and at points really bitchy and really, really crazy. I have to say... Peter's parents were right about me being crazy. I'm praying I've gotten a little better, but I wouldn't put any money on it. And I apologize... to anyone that I mentioned in here in a bad way, I apologize. To anyone I obsessed over... I'm sorry.

I want to hope and pray that things will get better. Things are good now. I'm doing well. I'm busy, I'm relatively happy... and now I'm seeing things a little more clearly than I did before.

So.

Here I am. It is May 2013, and I'm in my apartment at 1:30 in the morning. My roommate is in his room  and I'm watching My Fair Wedding while I'm supposed to be doing schoolwork and I'm actually writing this blog post. It's been almost a full year and a half since Peter and I broke up, and I've gone back and forth so many times... his fault, my fault, his fault, my fault... I think I might be right in saying that neither one of us is completely at fault, but we both did our fair share to hurt each other. It breaks my heart to think about how much I hurt him, and as much as I HATE his new girlfriend (yes, just because she's with him, yes, that's crazy too) I hope and pray that maybe she can help to straighten out what I couldn't... and the stuff that I added to the mess. And I pray that someday he'll forgive me.

I am officially a senior in college... rereading my posts from freshman year, this is not exactly where I expected to be. I have an apartment, that much is true. But my relationships are completely and utterly different. My "sister" Jenn and I were on the outs for awhile, but now we're getting close again and I'm a bridesmaid in her wedding... oh, yeah. She's getting married this summer. What???? It seems like we're still little kids just dreaming about it, but for Jenn, it's actually happening. I started out as bridal consultant and photographer for her, and now I'm photographer and bridal consultant and bridesmaid and I'm singing and toasting. Oy. But I'll pull every ounce of me together and make it all work for her, I can't wait.

In the meantime I'm doing The Pajama Game at Montgomery College and trying to decide if the whole Broadway thing is what I really want to do. With the taste of marriage that I got with Peter, it's like I've tasted some kind of drug and can't get enough... I know I want to be married, to settle down and have children. I want the cooking and the cleaning and the arguing and the yelling and the loving and the talking and the in-laws and all of it. I know it isn't a fairy tale. But it's worth it. But... especially after the reflecting and reminiscing I've been doing over the last several days... I'm not sure that I want to put any man through that with me. Thinking back on Peter... I'm pretty sure no matter how old I get, I'm going to think I'm more mature than I am and end up hurting people, and it isn't worth that.

I don't know what's going to happen after graduation. I do know I'll graduate in December, not May, because I'm taking an extra semester to make up the one I missed last year. At this point, I'm planning on going home to live and work for at least a year while I try to figure out what on earth is going to happen next. And other than that... I just don't know. I love music, I love singing, but I don't know if it's what's in store for me forever. I love photography... but I don't know if I have what it takes for that either. I love bridal consulting... same story, different verse.

I love many, many things. But I also need to make a living. And I want to be happy with that living.

This has been a fairly lengthy ramble, just to say that, well... I'm still here. I'm crazy as ever, but working on it. And I'm going to make something good happen, somehow.