Does love truly exist.... the question of the day

So, I was talking to my cousin about love, and its been on my mind with Valentine's Day being tomorrow, and my question is, Does love really exist? Does it exist only if you know a person to the deepest depths of their souls? Or is love something that you naturally have and extend towards certain people? Or is love simply a fantasy of society, something that you just "do" because it's what society expects? OR, is love truly the thing that we all think it is, that unreasonable, irrational, gut-wrenching, heart-tearing beast that we all have hidden somewhere and will one day come out, whether we want it to or not?

To quote me in our debate:

"i think that i would love the real u just as much or more than i do the u that i think i kno, bcuz love is something that i dont think is readily given or readily taken away. i think that when u love someone, even if u love someone completely different from the real person, u will always love them, as u begin to discover more of what they r truly like, the love that u had to begin with will just grow until it becomes what it is supposed to be for who that person is supposed to be "

I don't know. Maybe I'm crazy. Hehe, I know I'm crazy. But that is just talking about love towards family members and the like. What does that mean for romantic love? Does it stand a chance?

I hate Valentine's Day. It brings such depressing thoughts to mind. But there are some comforts: my data match at school had two of the four guys that I like on it. Yay!

A poem for Valentine's Day (my first in French!):


L'amour
Je t'adore
Mon amour
Mon cheri....
Baisse-moi, s'il vous plait
Oh la la...
L'amour toujours,
Mon cheri
L'amour toujours moi

Vive l'amour
C'est si bon
Oh la la...

C'est la vie!

Translation:

Love
I love you
My love
My darling...
Kiss me, please
Oh, my...

Always love,
My darling
Always love me.

Long live love
It's so good
Oh, my....

That's life!

POST

I can't remember what I last posted... a poem, I expect. But, for those dear friends of mine who actually look at this site, I will post again.

I am so happy! I got sick and tired of not talking to Zack, of seeing him in the halls and ignoring him. As piggish as quitting musical was on his part, it was equally pigheaded on my part to (attempt) to ignore him because of it. So, I said hi to him at his locker the other day, a conversation ensued, and not a day goes by that I don't at least say hi and get a smile in return. I'm in my glory!

It's strange.... a year or two I never would have had the guts to do anything like this. I have always been outspoken, but never would I have done anything as far as guys are concerned like I do now. I've become a bit of a flirt, and guys don't cringe at the sight or thought of me... they actually look at me and talk to me, and I feel so amazing and special!

I guess the divorce changed a lot of people. Everything and everyone seems different, more wild but at the same time, so much more cautious. I don't even know if the little ones remember Aunt Glenda and Uncle Wally... huh, he's not even my uncle anymore. I miss them so much! It's as though Glenda and Wally and Nicholynn have all fallen off of the face of the Earth! I don't know where Wally lives, other than "in Tennessee." I don't know his address, his phone number... same thing with Aunt Glenda. I know Nicholynn's address, but no matter how much I try/tried to make contact with her, she doesn't respond. I know she's been hurt by the divorce, we all have, but why does she have to shut out every connection to her old life?

Thank God for Megan. She emails, we im, she even checks my blog. I am confident that she still loves me despite everything, and cares about my life. She doesn't want to just disappear into thin air like the rest. Even if I hadn't been sure of that before, I definately am now. She's making plans to come home... rather, back to PA.... in time to see my musical! She cares enough and knows how much this means to me....

Wow. It is amazing how much you think you are over something but it still haunts you, like a lie you told your parents that you know they know about. Is it any wonder that all I write about is boys? If I write about anything else, I fear I will slip back into a deep, dark depression, this time with no way of escape.

Megan, this is for you:

When people leave
A heart is broken
When they go away
A soul is wrenched
From someone helpless
When they disappear
That heart falls to the floor
And the owner of the soul
Is too afraid, too ashamed
To stop and pick it up.
They see a house,
They hear a voice
They sing a song
Even a comment
Made by a science teacher
Can bring back memories.
If there is a family
A family of four
And are all disbanded
By one thing or another
You feel like all hope is lost
What's the point?
Why go on?
But there's a reason:
One of them
Still loves you
One of them
Still cares
And one of them
No matter how far away
They get
The others get
One will always be there
There to see you through
There to love you
There to prove
There is hope yet.
Pick your heart
Off the ground
Dust it off
Save your love
For the one who truly loves you.

Collage of Music.... To the Man (men) of my dreams!

Me and the Wonderful Amazing Ben (and Emily Lepley.... also amazing. Don't forget Eric!)
http://s128.photobucket.com/albums/p198/InluvwithEB/?action=view&current=DSCF0942.flv

And more poetry:

Holding hands at midnight
'Neath a starry sky
Strolling with the one boy
Sighing sigh after sigh
'Cuz my wildest dreamings
Could not forsee
Lying beside you
With you wanting me
And just for this moment
Do you love me?
I feel you my darling
I was half afraid I'd waken
Satisfied enough to dream
Happily I was mistaken....
I have found me a wonderful guy!
And until I die
I'll die day after day
Though not a day goes by
Not a single day
But you're somewhere
A part of my life
And it looks like you'll stay
Because no one is alone
Truly, no one is alone.
While the rain in Spain
Stays mainly in the plain
I could dance all night
I could dance
So you'd grow
Accustomed to my face
Then, oh matchmaker, matchmaker
Bring me no match
Find me no find
Catch me no catch
For I've got a matchless match!

A song
Played on a solo saxophone
Is telling me to hold you tight
And dance like it's the last night
Of the world.
I am that girl
When hands touch
And eyes meet
There's a sudden silence
Sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
I know I'm your girl!
Together forever
We're tying a knot
That no one can sever
You think I'm a
Beautiful girl
And all five hundred
Twenty-thousand
Six hundred moments so dear
We'll measure in love
The seasons of love
You can kiss me too fiercely
Hold me too tight
And help me make
The music of the night.

A little fun for you: Each different color is from a different musical than the color before. Try to guess what the different songs or musicals are and post your guesses as comments or email them to me! Let's see how sharp you are.....

LOL;)

Movies from "The Man Who Came To Dinner"

Me and Zack (and Dan): http://s128.photobucket.com/albums/p198/InluvwithEB/?action=view&current=DSCF0945-1.flv

Me and Aaron in the 1st half of "What Am I To Do?" (and Ben, Emily, and Dan): http://s128.photobucket.com/albums/p198/InluvwithEB/?action=view&current=DSCF0943.flv

Me and Aaron in the 2nd half of "What Am I To Do?":
http://s128.photobucket.com/albums/p198/InluvwithEB/?action=view&current=DSCF0944.flv



AREN'T WE JUST AWESOME????? ;)

There is a red dress
In the store window
It has my name
Written all over it
Black and red
Sexy but chic
Rosy and innocent
Yet in every way not.
I can see myself
On the dance floor
Whirling, twirling
The lacy underskirt billows
As I spin in time to the music
I am alone
For once I do not claim music
As my one companion.
Then I see someone
Stepping from the shadows
He is tall, dark, handsome
A dream of a man.
He comes closer
Close enough to embrace me
He holds me close
I've ascended to heaven!
But then he disappears
I feel lost
Until I realize
That someone is still holding onto me.
His hands are soft
Gentle on my waist
He is closer to my height
He whispers endearments
In my earI feel my heart pound
I hope he doesn't hear it
Then, in an instant, he too is gone
And another is in his place.
Again much taller than me
His prickly gotee
Brushes against my hair
I lay my head on his chest
Trying to soothe
The nerves that I know
He is battling
I encourage him to laugh
To talk
To make my body shake
With laughter
Then againI am left alone
This time no one comes
I wander from the dance floor
Waiting off to the side
Is a boy
A joyful, wonderful boy.
Someone I know well.
He sees that I am upset
He asks me what's wrong
He touches my arm
And our eyes meet
And suddenly I know
The other three were handsome
Sexy, wonderfulI saw no flaws...
But I find my heart
Skipping a beat
As we talk
As we laugh
As I cry
As we gaze at each other
I know this is finally him
The one I was meant for
He knows me
He accepts me
And he's almost my height!
I know why I've been waiting

I feel a tap on my shoulder
I snap out of my dream
I turn around
And there he is
He is smiling at me
Reminding me
I look at the dress
The sexy red and black dress
Then I turn away
I slip my arm through his
I've already forgotten the dress
I like thinking about ornamental cats much more.

The Narrow Way

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood..." - Robert Frost

I stand before a fork in the road. I take the directions I was given out of my pocket. Surely they must be wrong! I stare down the road I'm supposed to take, a narrow, dark, miniscule pathway. The dust is clogged with small gravelly stones, and on either side is a wall of brambles. This must be the wrong one! Turning, I look down the road to the left. Blossoming roses send a sweet fragrance to me, beckoning, waving in a gentle breeze. Smiling, I pluck one from its branch's thorny grasp and tuck it behind my ear. My feet begin to move as I look up at the eternal blue sky.

I throw one last glance over my shoulder before entering the rose arch. A burst of excitement goes down my spine, and I shiver with pleasure. This is the right way, I know it! To the side of the road, a couple lays sleeping. The man's tanned body is exposed completely, and his partner's pale, naked skin glints in the bright sunlight. He holds her close, his hands running up and down her body. They seem entwined in some odd dance as she smiles slightly and pulls closer to him.
I turn away, ashamed for having watched this outward display of intimacy. I move on, without so much as a glance behind me. I walk for about ten minutes before coming upon two more people, this time in what appears to be a hospital room. The girl seems to be the same, but beside her is a different man. She is holding his hand tightly. A doctor in a long white coat comes in, needle in hand. He injects the needle into the girl's slightly rounded abdomen. She grips the man's hand as a wave of nausea flows through her. The doctor orders her to get up and walk, which she does.

There is something familiar about this girl, but where might I have seen her before? I shrug and turn away, going on. After an hour of steady walking, I meet the girl again. This time she appears to be about twenty-three instead of sixteen. Her auburn hair is swept up in a bun, and a veil frames her face. She wears a gown of pure white satin, and the same man who was with her in the abortion clinic now stands before his radiant bride. He gently takes her hands in his larger ones as he repeats after a tall minister, "I promise to love, honor, cherish, and obey until death do we part." The smiling young woman says her vows and they kiss. Tears of joy are in her eyes as the preacher pronounces them man and wife.

Who is she? I know her, I know her husband! I am befuddled by my lack of recognition. Where could I know her from? Minutes later, I find her playing with a little girl and boy. They look just like her, and well they might, for they are her children. A smile dances on her lips and in her eyes as she watches them. Suddenly, the little girl darts out in the street. Her mother rushes after her, but it is too late. As they both crash to the ground, a car slams on its breaks and squeals to a halt. The woman's child has no chance of survival.

"Oh, my god!" cries the driver. She pulls a cell phone from her purse and punches three numbers. Shortly, sirens are screaming and wailing up the street. Paramedics rush out and lay the woman and her daughter on stretchers. They are whisked away in a panic of lights and sirens.

I am frightened now. I begin to run, farther away from the horrors with every step. I understand why I recognize her now. As my history catches up with me, I see that I am that woman. I go faster, not stopping to acknowledge the tiny, freshly-made grave bearing the inscription Elana Grace, beloved daughter. Fear is pounding in my heart. I cannot keep going! I stop, exhausted, and fall to the ground before another scene. Again in a hospital, I see myself writhing in pain on the high bed. The sheets are wet with blood, and a shriek echoes across the room. With one hand I grasp my swollen stomach, with the other I squeeze the hand of my husband. There is a small pause between one contraction and the next, but not enough. I push hard, and with a smack the baby's tiny head slips out. One more push, and the body is laying on the bed.

The doctor smacks the baby's bottom, but the child does not respond. “I'm sorry. You had a little girl.”

“No!” I cry out loud. I struggle to my feet and move on, past the scene, past another grave: Christine Elizabeth, beloved daughter. I am slowing down. I cannot go on! Again I slip down to the dark earth. Sobbing heavily, I look up. Before me is another image of myself. In my right hand I hold a sharp kitchen knife. On my wrist is a puffy, red slash. My son is watching from the doorway, crying. I cast him a glance of mixed sorrow and relief.

I try to tear my gaze from the terrors before me, but I cannot. I haven't noticed the many miles yet before me. I close my eyes and curl up in the dirt, wailing, tears blurring my vision. A hand touches my shoulder. I turn around, and a figure in white beckons to me.

“Come unto me, and I will give you rest,” He says in a soft, comforting voice. I look into his gentle yet majestic face, then down at his hands. I turn my arms over and show him my cutting scars. He smiles, and turns over His hands. In each wrist is a scar. A nail scar. He wraps his arms around me in a fatherly way.

“Father, forgive her, for she knows not what she's done.” At the sound of His voice, my tears cease to flow. Something makes me look at my arms, and I am shocked to see my scars disappear. A smile begins to burn inside of me, and I begin to laugh. He chuckles with me, then raises me up as a king might a servant or knight. He reaches into His cloak and pulls out a warm, velvet wrap. “Come, my child. You have chosen the wrong path, but you may still choose the right. It will not always be easy, but it will bring you home in the end. You will come home to me.” He smiles and I smile back. “Pick up your cross and follow me!”

I nod, and feel a great weight on my shoulders. “Trust in me and your burden will be lightened.” The weight is still there, but much easier to bear. With a wave of his hand, the things around me vanish and I am standing upon the very road which I had scorned. I look up. Before me stands my husband and our son. He opens his arms to me and I rush to him. We kiss, and begin down the straight, narrow road. I turn back, but Christ is no longer visible. Yet all around me are his words, “You will come home to me.” I glance up at my husband, who smiles at me knowingly. And then, together, we begin to go home.

Poetry From A Broken Heart: I love you Zaw(b)!

What do you do
When you find someone to love
And they do not love you in return?

What do you say
When you see them walking down the halls
Their arms around another girl's waist.

Pointing and laughing doesn't work.
Dreaming of him night after night doesn't work.
Crying until there are no more tears left to cry NEVER works.

So what do you do?
How do you mend your heart
After it's been broken.

How do you stand to go to musical
Knowing that he won't be there
Holding you, telling you special things.

Or worse.....
How can you stand to talk to him?
How can you bear to see him at his locker....
Again!

How can you hear his laughter
Or hear him sing in choir
Or feel his eyes upon you
Or let your eyes meet again
Or brush his arm in the hallway -
-on purpose....
With no response?

I can't.
But I can.
And I will.
Because there is always tomorrow....

Another day to laugh
Another day to cry
Another day to remember
And wish you could forget.

Another day to sing
Another day to dance
Another day to act...

A brand new day.


^---------------------> For "Z"

I'm not a band geek
I'm not sorry to say.
But I like to think
What if I were....?

So much time around you
So much time listening to you
Being near you
Feeling special.

But so much time when you're angry
Or frustrated
Or a plain old jerk!
Such a schizophrenic maniac!

But I love you for it....
Even though I have no chance....
We might be a good match....
But I can't play the tuba!
^ --------------------------------> for "a"

Every time I see you
You make me laugh
We are very different
Maybe...

Truly, I don't know much about you
Just your name
Your family....
And your laugh.

We see each other at youth group
You catch my eyes
And hold my gaze...
And then I look away.

I can't flirt
I'm so afraid I'm too obvious...
Am I?
Do you know
How much I love you....
Like you.....
Adore you.....
Maybe.....

Are you the one for me?
The one with whom
My match was made to be?

You flirt with me too
You make me laugh
Until tears run down my cheeks....
Then you do something
And the cycle starts all over again.

You make me smile
You make me laugh
You're a senior...
Can you like a little freshman like me?

Just keep me laughing
And I'll be happy.
But not as happy as I would be
If you would ask me to prom.....
^ --------------------------------------->for "w"

I don't know if I love you
I don't know if I like you
I do know that we have much in common.
We are musicians
We have voices
And we're not afraid to make ourselves heard.

We know the same teachers
We know the same students
We know the same songs
Even the same words to the same songs in the same musicals....

We know about ornamental cats
About Phantom of the Opera
And about dancing
And we know about serving better than the rest....

After all
We were Mr. Whiteside's favorite
We were the Stanleys' favorite
Am I your favorite?
Do I stand a chance?

You were my first guy friend
You were my first co-author
In a work that was finished
Now, will you be my first boyfriend?

I count myself blessed
You said you would take me to a dance
You asked me to help you practice

You even asked me to confide in you
When there wasn't anyone I wanted to trust.
Now will you ask me the one thing that I'm longing for?

Ask me to be yours.

^ -------------------------------------------------> for "(b)"




How pathetic am I?

Compare These Pics....

Compare these pics:
Mom and me.....

fifteen years later.....
me and Jillian (NOT my own baby.... lol)

MUSICAL!!!!

So, yeah, I made musical, which makes me very happy. I was really ticked at first because I have a small part, but it was petty and I got over it...... unlike some people! Zack quit musical because he didn't get a big enough part! Idiot! So I'm mad at him, but I miss him so much, and now that Valentine's Day is around the corner, I miss him even more. I wanted so badly to hang out with him at musical and strengthen our relationship, but now.... nothin' doin.

But, about musical...

I have three speaking lines and a singing solo, which is better than some people got. Plus, Mme Wagner said that they gave us solos based on our singing ability, and that to get one of these solos you have to be pretty good. Needless to say, the three who have these solos are me, Jenn, and Becky. Coincedence? I think not! That makes me feel special ;)

Ummm, yeah, don't I wish

Another quiz from eSPIN-the-Bottle... What Kind of Girlfriend Are You? MY RESULT:Dream Girl You’ve got it all – affection, a cool head, a positive attitude, and all that other stuff that guys want their girlfriends to have. You’re light-hearted, fun, romantic and not too sleazy – a great combination. When you start a relationship, there’s a good chance the guy will totally fall for you, whether he intended to or not. Keep up the great attitude and you’re sure to be a heartbreaker. (Please just try to be gentle.) Take This Quiz!

LOL!

Another quiz from eSPIN-the-Bottle... What's Your Flirt Style? MY RESULT:Extreme Cool You play it so cool, your crushes don’t even know you’re crushing on them – but somehow, they can’t get you off their minds. The more common name for this flirt technique is “playing hard to get.” (Forgive us for going for the more obscure but devastatingly cooler name of “extreme cool”). It’s an age-old technique that works pretty great and keeps your vulnerability levels nice and low. Just be sure that you make your move at some point. Getting your crush to think you’re cool is only half the battle. The other half is getting them to date you. Take This Quiz!

To Ask... Or Not To Ask...

I want to go the to Valentine's dance with Zack. But of course he would never ask me. So should I ask him?

-------------------------------->Potential Conversation:
Me: Hey Zack. Are you going to the Valentine's dance? I was just wondering. I refuse to go to a dance without a date or escort or whatever they're called, but I really want to go. I've been asking my guy friends, but so far I haven't had any luck. Will you?

Grrrrr.

Cheesy.

Pathetic.

Embaressing.

But, oh dear Lord, what if it would really work?

RENT

I know I already have this song, but I love the city backdrop! It's soooo beautiful!!!!

Musical Results.... Drumroll Please!!!

Well, I made it. I am a cast member in the musical Fiddler on the Roof. Yeah.

Too bad that my character is so small that she doesn't even have any lines. Yeah. I'm trying to be happy that I at least made it, but it's not working. Sara Dorman has taken my role, and she can't act worth crap. Yes, she can sing, but she can't act. At all. And it makes me really mad.

One consolation: Zack has a tiny role too, so he won't be kissing anyone onstage at least. Haha.







Here's to thoughts, memories, and pictures of a better, much happier day. Cheers!

My Baby Names... Special for my cousin :)

Girls
Moriana Christine -for my sister that i never had and because i just happen to like the name and christine because of phantom of the opera

Angelina Janel -for my ex-youth pastor and an awesome camp counselor

Nicola Anne Noel

Lyssa Nicole -for my best friend and my cousin

Margeret Elaine -for my cousin (Meg) and because i like the name

Catherine Elizabeth

Rebeka Alexandra

Sarah Marie -Sarah for my first official acting role

Deborah Juliette -for my awesome music teacher and julie andrews

Emily Angela -awesome co-stars

Aubrey Kayla - same

Lucille Elise -for my cousin

Sylvia Lynn -for another cousin!

Boys
Thomas Matthew -my doll (lol) and my uncle, and i love the name

Erik Michael -for phantom

Zachary Aaron -take a wild guess

Jacob Daniel -awesome costars

Benjamen John -same

Aaron... also wonderful.... oh la la!

Tea Party part 1

Too funny!!!!

Tea Party part 2

and again.... too silly for words!!

TRIO: Julie Andrews, Eliza Doolittle & Mary Poppins sing!

Sillyness