I'll just keep swimming down, down, down. There's no point in trying to reach dry ground, I'm drowned.
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
2008
And, so, another year begins. Another tragic existance, justified only by the lives of a few precious people. Another spring musical will begin, and another round of tests, essays, and torture. Another round of mid-terms, another round of birthdays, another year of holidays that aren't worth celebrating. Another year of absolute boredom in dull PA.
As for resolutions? I've resolved to not make any resolutions; they all get broken anyway! I am determined to lose weight, though. I'll get back down to 110 if it kills me. No more chocolate for me! I'll just stare at my blog template and drool...
Anyway, happy new year. Anybody going to New York soon? TAKE ME WITH YOU!!! :* (
As for resolutions? I've resolved to not make any resolutions; they all get broken anyway! I am determined to lose weight, though. I'll get back down to 110 if it kills me. No more chocolate for me! I'll just stare at my blog template and drool...
Anyway, happy new year. Anybody going to New York soon? TAKE ME WITH YOU!!! :* (
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Christmas Cheer
Christmas
Joy to the world
God rest ye merry gentlemen...
God, rest me, too.
Give me life
And peace of mind
And the courage to go on
Or the courage to give up.
Give me strength to face each day
To face each aunt
Each grandparent
To face each fear.
Give me trust
Because, by golly,
Everyone that I used to love
Trust
Believe in...
They've left me
High and dry.
No wonder I have no hope
No wonder I have no choice.
I left it in Montandon.
I left it in West Milton...
He stole it away to Tennessee
She took it to Delaware
And now there's none left in Pennsylvania.
The only thing that's here
Is pain
Doubt
Fear
And faithlessness.
People who hug me
People who say they love me
But they harbor runaways -
People who run away with my heart.
And I hate it.
And at this time
When all is "merry and bright"
I am simply dreary
Weary of my plight.
And I ask again
Why am I here?
Why do I live?
God, why do you torment me so
With endless heartbreaks
Fears
And lost hope.
So, I say to you all
Merry Christmas
Happy New Year
May it be cheerful
Colorful
Hopeful
Fun...
I pray that I don't die of a broken heart
Before I get to see it.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Bah! Humbug!
So it's Christmas. Yippee skippy. My earlier entusiasm has worn off completely as I realize daily how hard it is to survive a holiday without the people who are most important to you. Everyone is like, "Well, you can't let it ruin Christmas!" Yes I can, and yes I will. I can't completely ignore the fact that a part of me goes missing every time someone leaves me. And if people don't like it, they can get over it.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Blah - enjoy this one, Courtney. It's looong.
Blah.... that's about all there is to say. Life sucks right now, despite the fact that I've discovered another INCREDIBLE musical - Cats! It's amazing... I'm begging for the soundtrack for Christmas (w/ Elaine Paige as Grizabella).... lol, but if you've never seen it and you want to, I have it on my video blog (www.jadevideos-inluvwitheb.blogspot.com).
Other than that, life is really crappy. I have a French test at school tomorrow, the children's musical was horrible... Grammy and Aunt Glenda showed up and I couldn't talk to them. I couldn't! I went backstage and cried, and Paula Dorman and Chrisi Ranck tried to cheer me up. But it was awful. And, despite all of my previous Christmas joys, I am now dreading Christmas.
Ha! Christmas.... what's that? I know it's a national holiday of some sort. Something about some God coming to earth as a baby, born of a virgin, to save his people. But why celebrate that? How stupid! What do we care? Everyone in the world gathers with their families to celebrate this incredible holiday when Christ came down as a baby. But I don't really have much of a family anymore. No one gives a darn. Aunt Glenda has come back like a ghost, but I don't even know her anymore! Who is this old woman? She's not the dear aunt I used to know... she looks like she's been had too many times by too many different people, and it scares me. I can't stand to get near her. But then I realize... I never knew much about her anyway. I knew that she didn't like Elvis. I knew what kind of powder she wore - in fact, I have a can of the stuff just so that I can smell my dear aunt every time I open it. But I don't know much else. She was a good artist. I could pick out clothing that she would wear every time I went shopping. I even have shoes that remind me of her! But all I knew were the outside things. I think I love her, but did I ever truly know her?
It's the same thing with [Uncle] Wally. I knew he loved his pretzals... like mad, he loved those dang pretzals! Every time we went to their house, there were pretzals and icecream. Always. There was also colgate toothpaste. And VO5 shampoo. I know he had Honey Bear... or Aunt Glenda did.... someone did! I know he did Angel Tree... I can't even go past the stupid table without bawling! I feel so stupid. But I don't know what to do about it.
Thanks to Facebook and this blog, I've reconnected with my cousins. But even there, I don't feel like I know them. My family means the world to me, and it's falling apart. Heaven help me, the only thing I have to hang on to is my music and my schooling, and even that fails me at times. I can't live off of good grades and good roles. But that's all I have! I have friends, I guess, but most of them have their own little "best friend" cliques. What do I have? I have Jenn. And half the time we're fighting too much to be friends. All anyone cares about is school.
Everyone thinks that I should be over every that's happened to me. But I'm not even sure that I know about everything that has happened to me. I know there's a reason why I am so afraid of "Pappy John," but everyone assures me that he's just a creepy old man. I don't know who my grandmother is. I'm afraid I never will. I'm afraid she'll go to her grave bearing the secret of the woman that she truly is, leaving as her only legacy Cinderella and Elvis. And I will be the only one who cares. I'm afraid that Aunt Caterina thinks poorly of me - like the rest of the world does. Everyone thinks that I'm nothing but a drama queen. They think that everything I say and do is an exaggeration of the perfectly normal feelings that I have. But that's not true! I want people to look beyond what they see of short, fat, ugly, dramatic me. There's so much more to me than that! SO MUCH MORE!
Why can't they see that I'm a person too? What makes people think that I don't give crap about anybody but myself? Pastor Bill (and everyone else) always want me to come to youth group, and it drives me nuts! I hate youth group, but nobody cares about that. They just want their attendence to go up. I'm so sick of church, youth group, and everything else in this stupid community, in this stupid state, in this stupid world. God, if you're out there, help me out here! I need it!
This sucks.
Other than that, life is really crappy. I have a French test at school tomorrow, the children's musical was horrible... Grammy and Aunt Glenda showed up and I couldn't talk to them. I couldn't! I went backstage and cried, and Paula Dorman and Chrisi Ranck tried to cheer me up. But it was awful. And, despite all of my previous Christmas joys, I am now dreading Christmas.
Ha! Christmas.... what's that? I know it's a national holiday of some sort. Something about some God coming to earth as a baby, born of a virgin, to save his people. But why celebrate that? How stupid! What do we care? Everyone in the world gathers with their families to celebrate this incredible holiday when Christ came down as a baby. But I don't really have much of a family anymore. No one gives a darn. Aunt Glenda has come back like a ghost, but I don't even know her anymore! Who is this old woman? She's not the dear aunt I used to know... she looks like she's been had too many times by too many different people, and it scares me. I can't stand to get near her. But then I realize... I never knew much about her anyway. I knew that she didn't like Elvis. I knew what kind of powder she wore - in fact, I have a can of the stuff just so that I can smell my dear aunt every time I open it. But I don't know much else. She was a good artist. I could pick out clothing that she would wear every time I went shopping. I even have shoes that remind me of her! But all I knew were the outside things. I think I love her, but did I ever truly know her?
It's the same thing with [Uncle] Wally. I knew he loved his pretzals... like mad, he loved those dang pretzals! Every time we went to their house, there were pretzals and icecream. Always. There was also colgate toothpaste. And VO5 shampoo. I know he had Honey Bear... or Aunt Glenda did.... someone did! I know he did Angel Tree... I can't even go past the stupid table without bawling! I feel so stupid. But I don't know what to do about it.
Thanks to Facebook and this blog, I've reconnected with my cousins. But even there, I don't feel like I know them. My family means the world to me, and it's falling apart. Heaven help me, the only thing I have to hang on to is my music and my schooling, and even that fails me at times. I can't live off of good grades and good roles. But that's all I have! I have friends, I guess, but most of them have their own little "best friend" cliques. What do I have? I have Jenn. And half the time we're fighting too much to be friends. All anyone cares about is school.
Everyone thinks that I should be over every that's happened to me. But I'm not even sure that I know about everything that has happened to me. I know there's a reason why I am so afraid of "Pappy John," but everyone assures me that he's just a creepy old man. I don't know who my grandmother is. I'm afraid I never will. I'm afraid she'll go to her grave bearing the secret of the woman that she truly is, leaving as her only legacy Cinderella and Elvis. And I will be the only one who cares. I'm afraid that Aunt Caterina thinks poorly of me - like the rest of the world does. Everyone thinks that I'm nothing but a drama queen. They think that everything I say and do is an exaggeration of the perfectly normal feelings that I have. But that's not true! I want people to look beyond what they see of short, fat, ugly, dramatic me. There's so much more to me than that! SO MUCH MORE!
Why can't they see that I'm a person too? What makes people think that I don't give crap about anybody but myself? Pastor Bill (and everyone else) always want me to come to youth group, and it drives me nuts! I hate youth group, but nobody cares about that. They just want their attendence to go up. I'm so sick of church, youth group, and everything else in this stupid community, in this stupid state, in this stupid world. God, if you're out there, help me out here! I need it!
This sucks.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Bla bla bla....
It's Christmas, I have a concert on Tuesday, and I get to see all of my friends from last year. 'Nuff said. ;)
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Belleau Wood by Garth Brooks
Belleau Woods - a gorgeous song that made me cry
Oh, the snowflakes fell in silence
Over Belleau Wood that night
For a Christmas truce had been declared
By both sides of the fight
As we lay there in our trenches
The silence broke in two
By a German soldier singing
A song that we all knew
Though I did not know the language
The song was "Silent Night"
Then I heard my buddy whisper,
"All is calm and all is bright"
Then the fear and doubt surrounded
'Cause I'd die if I was wrong
But I stood up in my trench
And I began to sing along
Then across the frozen battlefield
Another's voice joined in
Until one by one each man became
A singer of the hymn
Then I thought that I was dreaming
For right there in my sight
Stood the German soldier
'Neath the falling flakes of white
And he raised his hand and smiled at me
As if he seemed to say
Here's hoping we both live
To see us find a better way
Then the devil's clock struck midnight
And the skies lit up again
And the battlefield where heaven stood
Was blown to hell again
But for just one fleeting moment
The answer seemed so clear
Heaven's not beyond the clouds
It's just beyond the fear
No, heaven's not beyond the clouds
It's for us to find it here
Oh, the snowflakes fell in silence
Over Belleau Wood that night
For a Christmas truce had been declared
By both sides of the fight
As we lay there in our trenches
The silence broke in two
By a German soldier singing
A song that we all knew
Though I did not know the language
The song was "Silent Night"
Then I heard my buddy whisper,
"All is calm and all is bright"
Then the fear and doubt surrounded
'Cause I'd die if I was wrong
But I stood up in my trench
And I began to sing along
Then across the frozen battlefield
Another's voice joined in
Until one by one each man became
A singer of the hymn
Then I thought that I was dreaming
For right there in my sight
Stood the German soldier
'Neath the falling flakes of white
And he raised his hand and smiled at me
As if he seemed to say
Here's hoping we both live
To see us find a better way
Then the devil's clock struck midnight
And the skies lit up again
And the battlefield where heaven stood
Was blown to hell again
But for just one fleeting moment
The answer seemed so clear
Heaven's not beyond the clouds
It's just beyond the fear
No, heaven's not beyond the clouds
It's for us to find it here
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Vive le vent!
IT'S ALMOST CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can you tell I'm just a little happy about the holidays? I love Christmas sooo much. I'm so glad I decided to have a good Christmas this year. So, here's my life since I last posted:
Monday I had chamber choir (of course). I also made Buche de Noel, and I also turned 16! I also dissolved my friendship with Jenn. We're no longer speaking to each other, probably never will again. But, overall, I had a great birthday.
Yesterday I skipped ballet and went to chamber choir. It snowed a little.
Today it snowed again... a lot!!! It's all white outside, so so pretty. I've been playing the part of the Christmas elf today, giving Christmas cards to all of my favorite teachers, singing "Deck the Halls" and "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" in French all day long. So, here we go... dedicated to all of my friends, family, and teachers who are making the holidays incredibly livable (and lovable).
Ayez un joyeux noel
Ayez un joyeux noel
Ayex un joyeux noel
Et une nouvelle annee!
On veut du pudding de figue
On veut du pudding de figue
On veut du pudding de figue
Et du boire epice!
Nous quittons que nous le prendrons
Nous quittons que nous le prendrons
Nous quittons que nous le prendrons
Alors, apportez!
Ayez un joyeux noel
Ayez un joyeux noel
Ayex un joyeux noel
Et une nouvelle annee!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Branches doux a l'air si joli
Fa la la la la la la la la
C'est le saison de la folie
Fa la la la la la la la la
Vettisons en costume fette
Fa la la la la la la la la
Pour chanter ce que tous souheitte
Fa la la la la la la la la
Can you tell I'm just a little happy about the holidays? I love Christmas sooo much. I'm so glad I decided to have a good Christmas this year. So, here's my life since I last posted:
Monday I had chamber choir (of course). I also made Buche de Noel, and I also turned 16! I also dissolved my friendship with Jenn. We're no longer speaking to each other, probably never will again. But, overall, I had a great birthday.
Yesterday I skipped ballet and went to chamber choir. It snowed a little.
Today it snowed again... a lot!!! It's all white outside, so so pretty. I've been playing the part of the Christmas elf today, giving Christmas cards to all of my favorite teachers, singing "Deck the Halls" and "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" in French all day long. So, here we go... dedicated to all of my friends, family, and teachers who are making the holidays incredibly livable (and lovable).
Ayez un joyeux noel
Ayez un joyeux noel
Ayex un joyeux noel
Et une nouvelle annee!
On veut du pudding de figue
On veut du pudding de figue
On veut du pudding de figue
Et du boire epice!
Nous quittons que nous le prendrons
Nous quittons que nous le prendrons
Nous quittons que nous le prendrons
Alors, apportez!
Ayez un joyeux noel
Ayez un joyeux noel
Ayex un joyeux noel
Et une nouvelle annee!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Branches doux a l'air si joli
Fa la la la la la la la la
C'est le saison de la folie
Fa la la la la la la la la
Vettisons en costume fette
Fa la la la la la la la la
Pour chanter ce que tous souheitte
Fa la la la la la la la la
Sunday, December 02, 2007
My Random Vent... since Courtney loves them so much! ;)
Well, basically, here's life for me:
I'm no longer friends with Jenn, and I feel like I've lost my sister. She and I had a pathetic fight and we both said and did some really nasty things, and I'm sorry that this had to happen and don't know how to tell her what. We were so close for so long, we were closer than sisters, and I don't know what I'm going to do now that it's over.
I hate going to church. We're doing angel tree and I can't walk past the dang table without crying. I'm sick of all the hypocrisy; people being oh so righteous in church and then being a pain in everyone's butt outside of church. Yelling at me for swearing and then turning around and calling someone a be-otch. Complaining about how immodest my clothing is and showing more cleavage than I do half the time. Complaining about how people treat them and then treating me the same way. I'm sick of the politics of church. I'm sick of how they treat the teen volunteers. They want us to volunteer, but it's not like we're worth anything to them! We're disposable. Teens can't be caregivers in the nursery because they have no experience, they're irresponsible, bla bla bla. I am just as responsible as the ninety year old who raised 100 grandchildren - and less likely to drop dead any day (from old age anyway). I'll be sixteen in exactly 25 hours and 48 minutes... so I have two years until I'll be eighteen, the magic switch will flip, and I'll suddenly be a responsible adult! OOOO, wow..... In the meantime, I get to sit in church and have my grandfather stare at my bust. Joy unspeakable.
Oh, and I have more school work than I know what to do with. This week is christkindl here in cowtown, and so I have two concerts to do and I have to bake "Buche de Noel" and work in the French Club Cafe. I also have a six-page biology report to finish for tomorrow. Yes, that's right... tomorrow!
One good thing: I'm so excited that Courtney's getting married! I can't wait! She asked me to help her plan and I'm so happy. I feel really special and important, and I learned tonight that she didn't despise me and think I was annoying my whole life like I thought she did. And than almost compensates for all of the other CRAP that is going on. So, thank you Courtney.
So, basically, if you pray, pray for me now. I need help and support now more than ever. OH! I forgot the other really big thing (which I'm sure you all know about by now anyway). Aunt Glenda's back. She's living with Grammy again and I don't know if I can deal with it. I was so excited for Christmas and now I'm not so sure about anything again. So please, pray for me.
Here's the poem that I wrote in my aim info. Please take it figuratively, not seriously, but read it. It's reading my bare soul to read that poem.
Hanging from the nearest tree
With a rope around my neck
The rope is frayed...
I'm afraid it's soon going to snap.
I'm afraid to go
But I'm afraid to stay
There's so much I know
So much I hate
So much I fear
And I wonder
Truly, deeply wonder...
Is it too late?
Too late to live?
Too late to die?
Too late to be more
Than just another person
On this crowded earth
Just another student trying to graduate
Just another face
Just another name...
Another someone to forget.
Don't forget!
Remember me!
I want to be more!
I want to be special!
There's still time...
Cut this rope from around my neck
Let me down
Let me live
Let me be....
Let me be me.
I learned my lesson once, never again will I truly contemplate suicide. I made that vow to God, myself, and my family. So don't worry. Just pray.
I'm no longer friends with Jenn, and I feel like I've lost my sister. She and I had a pathetic fight and we both said and did some really nasty things, and I'm sorry that this had to happen and don't know how to tell her what. We were so close for so long, we were closer than sisters, and I don't know what I'm going to do now that it's over.
I hate going to church. We're doing angel tree and I can't walk past the dang table without crying. I'm sick of all the hypocrisy; people being oh so righteous in church and then being a pain in everyone's butt outside of church. Yelling at me for swearing and then turning around and calling someone a be-otch. Complaining about how immodest my clothing is and showing more cleavage than I do half the time. Complaining about how people treat them and then treating me the same way. I'm sick of the politics of church. I'm sick of how they treat the teen volunteers. They want us to volunteer, but it's not like we're worth anything to them! We're disposable. Teens can't be caregivers in the nursery because they have no experience, they're irresponsible, bla bla bla. I am just as responsible as the ninety year old who raised 100 grandchildren - and less likely to drop dead any day (from old age anyway). I'll be sixteen in exactly 25 hours and 48 minutes... so I have two years until I'll be eighteen, the magic switch will flip, and I'll suddenly be a responsible adult! OOOO, wow..... In the meantime, I get to sit in church and have my grandfather stare at my bust. Joy unspeakable.
Oh, and I have more school work than I know what to do with. This week is christkindl here in cowtown, and so I have two concerts to do and I have to bake "Buche de Noel" and work in the French Club Cafe. I also have a six-page biology report to finish for tomorrow. Yes, that's right... tomorrow!
One good thing: I'm so excited that Courtney's getting married! I can't wait! She asked me to help her plan and I'm so happy. I feel really special and important, and I learned tonight that she didn't despise me and think I was annoying my whole life like I thought she did. And than almost compensates for all of the other CRAP that is going on. So, thank you Courtney.
So, basically, if you pray, pray for me now. I need help and support now more than ever. OH! I forgot the other really big thing (which I'm sure you all know about by now anyway). Aunt Glenda's back. She's living with Grammy again and I don't know if I can deal with it. I was so excited for Christmas and now I'm not so sure about anything again. So please, pray for me.
Here's the poem that I wrote in my aim info. Please take it figuratively, not seriously, but read it. It's reading my bare soul to read that poem.
Hanging from the nearest tree
With a rope around my neck
The rope is frayed...
I'm afraid it's soon going to snap.
I'm afraid to go
But I'm afraid to stay
There's so much I know
So much I hate
So much I fear
And I wonder
Truly, deeply wonder...
Is it too late?
Too late to live?
Too late to die?
Too late to be more
Than just another person
On this crowded earth
Just another student trying to graduate
Just another face
Just another name...
Another someone to forget.
Don't forget!
Remember me!
I want to be more!
I want to be special!
There's still time...
Cut this rope from around my neck
Let me down
Let me live
Let me be....
Let me be me.
I learned my lesson once, never again will I truly contemplate suicide. I made that vow to God, myself, and my family. So don't worry. Just pray.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Oh la la
Well, play was truly amazing. It was funny and well-done... everyone I talked to loved it. Aunt Glenda and Grammy came Friday night (as well as Aunt Trine and Uncle Dave). During the question and answer period, someone brought up the fact that I (Doris) had been dating Harnell before the divorce was finalized, and I looked straight at them and said "Tradition." They got my point...
But it was a lot of fun. I'll post some pictures as soon as I have them. Wait 'til you see my hair!
P.S. IT SNOWED!!! The first snow of winter on the final night of the play. It was so magical!
But it was a lot of fun. I'll post some pictures as soon as I have them. Wait 'til you see my hair!
P.S. IT SNOWED!!! The first snow of winter on the final night of the play. It was so magical!
Friday, November 16, 2007
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Blah.
Well, yeah, life momentarily sucks. Aunt Glenda has moved back here with Grammy Pat and may be coming to see the play. My brothers and I seem to be the only ones who are worried about it. The rest of the world thinks we should just get over everything that happened and its not that easy. Blah.
I'm sick as a dog, with a really bad cold, and the play is this week. Blah.
My stupid grandfather is a perverted old man who won't stop staring at me. In church, of all places. Blah.
I miss Zack. I think I might be starting to like someone else. Blah.
I gained weight again, so I'm back on a diet. Blah.
I got, like 4 B's on my report card. Blah.
I have to write a letter to my French pen pal who has yet to respond to anything. Blah.
Oh, and my birthday is in 20 days. I turn 16. Yikes. Blah.
I'm sick as a dog, with a really bad cold, and the play is this week. Blah.
My stupid grandfather is a perverted old man who won't stop staring at me. In church, of all places. Blah.
I miss Zack. I think I might be starting to like someone else. Blah.
I gained weight again, so I'm back on a diet. Blah.
I got, like 4 B's on my report card. Blah.
I have to write a letter to my French pen pal who has yet to respond to anything. Blah.
Oh, and my birthday is in 20 days. I turn 16. Yikes. Blah.
Monday, November 05, 2007
I Love Lucy- Ethel's
OMG I had no idea Ethel was such an incredible soprano! Listen to her sing the beginning of that aria!
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
I just know I'm bipolar.... I can't explain this any other way!
Well, here we go again.... Today was what you might call an "emotional roller coaster." I was late to school this morning, which sucked, but Mme Gillot didn't notice, so I didn't have to get a pass (and thus, get detention). At least, if she noticed, she didn't say anything. I got a 90 on my American Cultures quiz, which actually isn't that bad for me, and I understand the junk that we're doing in Geo. Unfortunately, we had to revise our Communications papers (I got a friekin' 80!!), and that sucked. Of course, food power was as dull as ever. I don't know how I stay awake every day in that stupid class.
Lunch was, well, interesting. It started out fine, with me studying for my bio quiz, but it ended with me trying to make my friends understand that my "beloved" aunt might be moving back here. I failed my bio test.
Then I had a vocal lab. I was supposed to have a driver's ed test, but he moved it to tomorrow. So I got to go be the only soprano in a vocal lab with Jenn, Becky, Porche, and Rosie. It was actually kinda fun. Then, of course, choir. Mrs. Wagner was being her normal obnoxious self. She wore a skirt today with a slit up to calamazoo, and you should've heard all of the bass's stupid comments. It was sooo funny!
Study Period I went up to her room to "practice." I sang one song, called Misty, and started bawling like a baby. It's a good thing I holed myself up in the piano closet, because I cried all period. I cried over Aunt Glenda, Aunt Caterina, over everything that I just found out. I cried because I miss Uncle Wally and Aunt Glenda so much.... because he's not even my uncle anymore.... because I can remember his laugh, and his cough, and his rattling pretzal bag. I can remember her "sweet" demeanor, how much she always used to cater to me and make me feel special. I remember going shopping with Nicholynn and Megan... I hear their voices in my dreams, and wake up sobbing because I'm afraid I'll never hear them again. I remember playing school in their basement with Megan, or making T-shirts with them (which I still have, by the way)..... I remember Honey Bear, and Hobie the beagle, and the smell of their house, and the layout, and the furniture.... dang it, I remember the friekin' colors of each individual room!! And I miss it all so much. I just wish that life would go back to the way it was. And then I cried because I was (am) angry at Aunt Caterina for not telling us that Glenda stopped to visit. No, I found out from my 8 and 9 year old cousins, who shouldn't have to be going through any of this. I found out that my aunt may be moving back to Mifflinburg, and anyone I talk to says that's a good thing; now we can reconciled and life can go back to the way it was. What don't they get about this? It will never be the same! And I'm not sure I can even talk to her, much less pretend that nothing is different.
After I spent the whole 1/2 hour crying, I went to my locker and did play practice. That, at least, went well. I did the entire act without my book, and, although it could've been more dramatic, it was good. Play was over at 5:30.
Then I got my concert blacks on (YAY!!!!!) and did my hair and make-up to go sing with Mrs. Wagner. She needed people to sing with her, and she asked me, Jenn, and Becky, just the three of us, to go with her. So we spent some time getting ready, and when we got there, we had a great time singing. There were a few people we knew there (like Mrs. Gillot!), but since we were just background music, it wasn't a very big deal. Still, it was a lot of fun, and then Mrs. Wagner drove me home and now I'm sitting here, still in my concert attire, wondering if I'm truly happy or sad, angry or scared or worried or ecstatic.
I swear, I MUST be bipolar!
Lunch was, well, interesting. It started out fine, with me studying for my bio quiz, but it ended with me trying to make my friends understand that my "beloved" aunt might be moving back here. I failed my bio test.
Then I had a vocal lab. I was supposed to have a driver's ed test, but he moved it to tomorrow. So I got to go be the only soprano in a vocal lab with Jenn, Becky, Porche, and Rosie. It was actually kinda fun. Then, of course, choir. Mrs. Wagner was being her normal obnoxious self. She wore a skirt today with a slit up to calamazoo, and you should've heard all of the bass's stupid comments. It was sooo funny!
Study Period I went up to her room to "practice." I sang one song, called Misty, and started bawling like a baby. It's a good thing I holed myself up in the piano closet, because I cried all period. I cried over Aunt Glenda, Aunt Caterina, over everything that I just found out. I cried because I miss Uncle Wally and Aunt Glenda so much.... because he's not even my uncle anymore.... because I can remember his laugh, and his cough, and his rattling pretzal bag. I can remember her "sweet" demeanor, how much she always used to cater to me and make me feel special. I remember going shopping with Nicholynn and Megan... I hear their voices in my dreams, and wake up sobbing because I'm afraid I'll never hear them again. I remember playing school in their basement with Megan, or making T-shirts with them (which I still have, by the way)..... I remember Honey Bear, and Hobie the beagle, and the smell of their house, and the layout, and the furniture.... dang it, I remember the friekin' colors of each individual room!! And I miss it all so much. I just wish that life would go back to the way it was. And then I cried because I was (am) angry at Aunt Caterina for not telling us that Glenda stopped to visit. No, I found out from my 8 and 9 year old cousins, who shouldn't have to be going through any of this. I found out that my aunt may be moving back to Mifflinburg, and anyone I talk to says that's a good thing; now we can reconciled and life can go back to the way it was. What don't they get about this? It will never be the same! And I'm not sure I can even talk to her, much less pretend that nothing is different.
After I spent the whole 1/2 hour crying, I went to my locker and did play practice. That, at least, went well. I did the entire act without my book, and, although it could've been more dramatic, it was good. Play was over at 5:30.
Then I got my concert blacks on (YAY!!!!!) and did my hair and make-up to go sing with Mrs. Wagner. She needed people to sing with her, and she asked me, Jenn, and Becky, just the three of us, to go with her. So we spent some time getting ready, and when we got there, we had a great time singing. There were a few people we knew there (like Mrs. Gillot!), but since we were just background music, it wasn't a very big deal. Still, it was a lot of fun, and then Mrs. Wagner drove me home and now I'm sitting here, still in my concert attire, wondering if I'm truly happy or sad, angry or scared or worried or ecstatic.
I swear, I MUST be bipolar!
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Memories
Here's to you, Megan dearest, for reminding me of these. Also to Nicholynn, Courtney, and Britney, my other wonderful cousins. Don't ever forget the good old times!!! Obviously, many circumstances have changed over the years, but this is a reflection of the past, and will always stay that way. Most of my 8-year-old mistakes have been left in to add to the "nostalgia," but I did seperate paragraphs and dialouge. Originally, this was one HUGE paragraph.
The Wedding Ring
"There, how's that?" Nicholin Keefer, commenly known as Rae, said to Thomas Cole, her fiance. Tom was a weatherman. One time Rae called him on the phone and told me it was her boyfriend, but I didn't believe her. Now she's marrying him in a week. I was ten at the time. When I sleptover at her house I loved to look at her engagement ring. It was very fascinating.
I was filled with dreams of weddings and kids. Rae said soon I'd be wearing a ring. It was hard to imagine. Soon the day of the wedding was here. Rae rushed around getting last-minute things together. Then it was time for the wedding to begin. I watched as Thomas took his place at the front of the church. I could tell he was nervous by the way he kept glancing toward the door. Suddenly the saxophone played telling Rae it was time. Everyone turned around. There she was, Nicholynn. she was beautiful in her simple yet elegent ivory gown with a long train and sleeves. The ceremony took so long. Then finally, rings. The ring was a simple diamond. It fit right into the engagement ring. "You may kiss the bride. I give you Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Cole! It happened so quickly. Now Rae was married and gone. Of course she now lived in the house three down from mine. I visited almost every day after school. Even though Rae was married she didn't change much. That next August it happened. I went to her house like usual but when I knocked no one was there. I ran home and called the hospital. When I asked for Nicholynn Cole she hooked me on. Tom answered.
"What happened!"
"Whoa, you're Jade right?"
"Yeah, sorry."
"Okay, Rae is fine. If you want to come down you can ."
"Okay bye"
When I got to the hospital and found out what room Rae was in I went right away. What I found surprised me. Nicholynn was in the maternity ward! There laying beside her was a little bundle. Rae greeted me. "Hello Jade, come meet Bilbo." And Tom held a beautiful baby boy up for me to see.
"Oh, he's wonderful." I glanced at Rae. S
he said "go ahead!" So there I was with little Bilbo when suddenly the phone rang. I wondered who it was. Then Rae handed the phone to me.
"Hello."
"Hi Jade this is Meg. I want to tell you something."
"What?"
"Bebo proposed and I want you to be my junior bridesmaid!"
"Really?"
"Yes!"
"Oh Meg."
"I wanted you to know. What are you at the hospital?"
"Ask Rae." So I said good-bye and gave the phone to Rae. Soon Meg and Rae were talking about weddings so I got up, said goodbye, gave Bilbo back to Tom, and left. The next few weeks were very busy. I loved shopping for our dark plum dresses. Rae, Courtney, and I were bridesmaids, and Cousin Brit, age four, was the flower girl. The dresses looked lovely. Soon I heard the music that meant we were to come. We went and stood up front. Then, scales from the Moonlight Sonata. Meg was coming. She looked dazzling in her ivory organza bell skirt with an ivory flowered top and short sleeves. Finally the preacher said "rings." I looked at hers and saw it was Rae's but Rae didn't look upset. At the reception I sat between them. I ask Rae why she didn't have the ring. She said she wanted to pass it on through the family. "OH!" Now Courtney was only 15 so no more weddings yet. In November Rae had her second child and named her Lucy. I was so excited. I would be eleven next month and I offered to baby-sit and said she needed a sitter. In January, 2003 Megan had a baby girl and named her Courtney Sarah. Courtney after her cousin. She nick-named her Sare. And I babysat for her too. Courtney's birthday was in March, she turned sixteen and got a driver's liscense. In August Bilbo turned two. There was a surprise party for him. He was adorable. In December Rae really had her hands full. She had twins, a boy and a girl. She named them Peter and Susan. With kids like a stepping-stool, two, one, and two a few weeks I had to keep them off the stepping-stool!
In May, 2004 Meg has twin boys, Bebo and Bilbo. She called them Bee and Bill. In March on her birthday Courtney received a proposal from Greg Thomas. She called me and said she was getting married and was going to live next to me! In 2007 Courtney married. Again I was a bridesmaid. This time I wore peach. Dad didn't like it though. In her red dress and black flat shoes she was the most independent bride I ever saw. I noticed that Megan had passed on the ring as we sat at our table. In two years Courtney had a girl. She named her Mackenzie. Boy, was I busy baby-sitting. I would try to sit whenever I could but my schedule went like this:
Coles Mon.
Normans Tues.
Thomas Wed.
It worked pretty well. In 2011 Courtney has a boy. She named him Matthew, Matt for short. By then I got myself a job as a baby-sitter, kids ages one month - five years. And of course family. That August Nick Vidunas proposed. I said yes. I asked Lucy and Bilbo to be my flower-girl and ring bearer. Nicholynn, Megan, and Courtney were bridesmaids, and Britt was a junior. I took them to find dresses. What we picked were lavender empire-waist dresses with three quarter length sleeves. My dress was ivory with artificial rose buds on the neckline. It had a three foot train that dragged on the ground. I wore a tiara viel that covered my face. I carried pink roses and baby's breath. I was nervous. My cousins told me it would be fine. And it was. Nicholynn started walking up. Finally I heard "Sunrise, Sunset." The rest of the wedding went quickly. Soon it was over. In July I had twin girls. I named them Anastasia and Abigale. Anya and Abi for short. In 2014 I had another girl, Morian. Finally in 2015 I had a son, Elliot. I now wear the ring, but Britt's only twelve...
He he he. That was hilarious. I can't believe how horrible the grammer is! Oh, my gosh. Oh, well. Memories are great, aren't they? I've still got my wedding planned (different than what it was), but I've added baby plans, house plans, and, of all things, funeral plans! I think I'll start posting them, just for the heck of it.....
Monday, October 15, 2007
Hanging the nearest tree.... mentally.
How many more hysterectomies do I have to deal with? I'm so afraid. Today was Aunt Caterina's hysterectomy, and I couldn't be with her, I had to be with her kids. I kept having flashbacks of the day I skipped school to stay with Megan at Hershey. I was so afraid, I felt so nervous. I didn't know if she would live or not; I had no clue how risky surgery would or wouldn't be. I didn't know if I'd ever see Megan again.
Now today, with Aunt Caterina, I knew that it wasn't going to be a huge deal. But I was still frightened and anxious... and, I'm ashamed to admit, as worried about my own future as I was her own experience. I'm afraid I'll never have children. Ever. Oh, and I also found out that my mother had a hysterectomy... and NEVER BOTHERED TO TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!!
Lately, everything from the past several years has crashing back to me. I've heard that Aunt Glenda (dare I call her that?) has moved again and that she isn't with Justin anymore. This of course, was a rumor by way of Devante, but no one else has bothered to tell me anything. I haven't seen Uncle Wally - who's technically not my uncle - since he moved. I only talked to him once. And now Nicholynn and Megan are moving even farther away, and I thought I was mature enough to deal with it. I'm not as upset as I was the first time, but I feel like a piece of me is taking a world tour... while I stay here in Boredom-Heartache County. I miss my old life. A lot.
And I miss Zack. I know Jenn thinks he's pathetic and thinks this is just a passing crush, but I think I truly love him. Would I miss him this much if I didn't? I don't think this longing, this yearning to see him again, would be possible without love.
And I long for New York. I long for my precious Broadway, for my dear, dear city.
My heart is broken into a million pieces, each one being torn a different way. Figuratively speaking, I'm hanging from a sturdy tree with a frayed rope around my neck, the very life squeezed from within me. And I just want to curl up and cry. But I don't want to cry alone.... I want to tell someone, anyone, what's happening, why I'm afraid, why I wish to get away from it all. I want to be free from all of this. I want to fly, fly as far away as possible. And, when I get wherever I'm going, I want my sweet Zack to be waiting there for me. I want the past behind me, crushed into a thousand pieces, and only our future - his, mine, and ours together as one - laid before me, a pathway of diamonds glittering in the starlight of a perfect evening. Oh, if only I could soar to my dreams, leave all that binds me, and live.... truly live.....
Now today, with Aunt Caterina, I knew that it wasn't going to be a huge deal. But I was still frightened and anxious... and, I'm ashamed to admit, as worried about my own future as I was her own experience. I'm afraid I'll never have children. Ever. Oh, and I also found out that my mother had a hysterectomy... and NEVER BOTHERED TO TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!!
Lately, everything from the past several years has crashing back to me. I've heard that Aunt Glenda (dare I call her that?) has moved again and that she isn't with Justin anymore. This of course, was a rumor by way of Devante, but no one else has bothered to tell me anything. I haven't seen Uncle Wally - who's technically not my uncle - since he moved. I only talked to him once. And now Nicholynn and Megan are moving even farther away, and I thought I was mature enough to deal with it. I'm not as upset as I was the first time, but I feel like a piece of me is taking a world tour... while I stay here in Boredom-Heartache County. I miss my old life. A lot.
And I miss Zack. I know Jenn thinks he's pathetic and thinks this is just a passing crush, but I think I truly love him. Would I miss him this much if I didn't? I don't think this longing, this yearning to see him again, would be possible without love.
And I long for New York. I long for my precious Broadway, for my dear, dear city.
My heart is broken into a million pieces, each one being torn a different way. Figuratively speaking, I'm hanging from a sturdy tree with a frayed rope around my neck, the very life squeezed from within me. And I just want to curl up and cry. But I don't want to cry alone.... I want to tell someone, anyone, what's happening, why I'm afraid, why I wish to get away from it all. I want to be free from all of this. I want to fly, fly as far away as possible. And, when I get wherever I'm going, I want my sweet Zack to be waiting there for me. I want the past behind me, crushed into a thousand pieces, and only our future - his, mine, and ours together as one - laid before me, a pathway of diamonds glittering in the starlight of a perfect evening. Oh, if only I could soar to my dreams, leave all that binds me, and live.... truly live.....
Monday, October 01, 2007
The "Spice" of summer
My hair is my normal color right now, but this summer, as I wrote about, I dyed my hair pink. Here, finally, are the long-awaited pictures! Sorry they're sideways, there's nothing I can do about it! ;)
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