Life Goes On

"Life goes on, long after the joy of livin' is gone."

Not that the joy of living is gone, but yes, life goes on.

Today is the March for Life in Washington D.C., and today is the only day that I wish I would have stayed at school. I miss being able to participate in the March, standing up for what I believe. I have very specific reasons for believing in life, but I don't really want to go into them here on my blog, as they are incredibly personal. I just want to say that, well, I believe in life and I believe in choice. If you don't want a baby, make the choice not to make one. I know how hard that can be in a committed relationship, but once you are pregnant, you aren't just deciding what to do with your body, but with someone else's body as well, and that choice is not yours to make. I believe in life and choice, but when the two clash, I have to choose life.

I used to love a good debate, but anymore, I can't debate this one. It hurts me too much to even think about those little babies, their tiny souls and lives taken away with the suck of a vacuum. How do the doctors live with themselves, piecing back together those tiny bodies to make sure they didn't leave an arm, a leg, or maybe an ear in the mother's womb? I want to know how a woman can see that baby wiggling around on an ultrasound and still have the guts to destroy it. I read a very good book, "Unplanned" by Abby Johnson, and I recommend it to anyone. It walks very closely with Ms. Johnson through her switch to the pro-life side of the debate... from her original position as a director at Planned Parenthood.

I'm rambling a bit, but I just wanted to post a little something today. There are always choices, choices that are better than killing the tiny baby you carry. Give it up for adoption or keep it. Take it from someone who knows: somebody wants that little one.

When Life Gives You the Middle Finger....

Well.  Sometimes life doesn't work out like you want it to work out.  And while it's tempting to give the finger back and scream, "SCREW YOU!!!!!!!!!" this attitude generally doesn't get you anywhere... except maybe in trouble. So.

The last month and a half of my life has been half-Hell, half-Heaven. I suppose I'm in Purgatory. I'm not sure exactly why I'm being punished, although I could take some good guesses. I'm a good girl. Sometimes. And I'm trying to be better.

Anyway, you know Peter, the love of my life, my soldier boy who I was going to spend the rest of my life with and be happy with forever? Well, he dumped me in December. Three weeks away from getting engaged, ring and all, we had registries and everything, and he turned tail and ran. Said he "couldn't do it anymore," that he "had nothing left to give." While I personally think that's a load of bull, I had no choice in the matter. He is gone... and this time, I don't think he's coming back. We've talked some since then, but I get accused of being crazy and attacking him, and now he has unfriended me and is ignoring me. It's killing me. Every night I go to bed and I can just feel his arms around me. I dream about us, about our relationship, about our future... and then I wake up and realize that everything I loved and believed in was a lie. This has been the Hell part of the past month and a half. I would do anything to get him back. Anything to be happy and in love again, to put this behind us, get married, and be together forever. But I must have done some pretty bad crap and be in the lowest level of Purgatory, because even though the desire is there, my anger and hurt has gotten in the way and destroyed pretty much any hope there ever was that we would get back together. Have I attacked? Yes. Have I said hurtful things? Yes. I called him a coward. And a child. And honestly, running away from your commitments just because you're going through a rough time is cowardly. It's what Glenda and Grammy and everybody like that did. It's what I've done and sworn I would never do again. But I didn't need to say it so brutally... or so frequently. I want him in my arms again.

There has been a (sorta) bright side to this. That being that I've been home for over a month, the longest I've been home since I left for college in August of 2010. I'm living with my parents, taking a semester off of college, and rediscovering some of the best relationships of my life, relationships that never really went anywhere but faded into the background a little bit. The most prominent of these (besides my family - my brothers and I get along better now than we have in years) are Miss Alicia, Madame, Jess, and Sarah (Haines) Smith. I've started dancing with Miss Alicia again, and I've discovered that I'm at my best and my happiest when I'm focusing nonstop on beating my body into dancing shape. But more than that, when I'm at the studio and with Miss Alicia, the conversation picks up like I never went anywhere. She doesn't judge me, she understands needing to reroute your life when stuff like this happens. She supports me, and I don't know what I'd do without her on my side right now. Madame is another great lady and amazing friend who has made this a billion times easier. We've spent a good deal of time together in the past three weeks, and she is full of wisdom and support. She doesn't judge me either, she is supporting me, helping me look for a job, when she sees I'm upset, she does crazy things to help make it better. Her smile is infectious, and I can't help feeling happier when I'm around her. I swear she's an angel.

The other two are Jessie (and her adorable baby, my nephew Aiden!) and Sarah. Two of my friends who didn't go off to college, they're around and just as bored as I am most of the time, haha, and so we've spent a lot of time together too. I wonder why I never bothered to spend more time with them before... I regret that to a degree, but I also think we probably couldn't have been as close then. We would've killed each other! I was too much of a drama queen (I know, I still am... believe it or not, I've done my best to get rid of a lot of drama)... it would've driven them nuts.

So that's life. I miss Peter more than I can possibly say. I want to scream and cry and hit him and hold him and kiss him and love him all at the same time. I'm dancing and singing here at home, looking for a job (if you know of any nearby, PLEASE let me know!), fostering some very deep friendships that have needed fostering for awhile, and hoping and praying I'll make enough money to go to France in the spring.

Oh, yeah! France! I'm trying to get in with a program to be a live-in English tutor in France for two months. It's in a little city called Montpellier on the Mediterranean, and it would be the perfect job for me! So we'll see what happens.

The other thing that's been happening is (despite the title and volatile nature of most of this post) is that I've been doing my best to get closer to God. Going to mass every Sunday instead of making excuses (yes, I confessed it). Singing in mass sometimes, going to Great Adventure again, doing devotions every day, and in general, doing my best to grow as close to the heart of God as possible. I know he has a plan for me, and as much as this hurts right now, eventually I'll understand why, and something good will come of it. Maybe it will be something as simple - and crucial - as a closer walk with God. Maybe God brought Peter and me together so he could help me make the decision to be Catholic. Maybe more. The one thing I know for certain is that this is not the end of the road for me, and as much as it feels like it won't sometimes, the sun will still rise in the morning, and tomorrow will be another day. If tomorrow is crappy, well, the sun will set again and rise the next morning, giving me another chance to be better still. And so it goes. With God's strength, I will prevail.

Family Ties (Warning - May Get Cocky and -ahem- Biological)

Somebody tell me - convince me - that it is smart to go against years and years (centuries, really, millennia) of traditions, of family roles, of living, of doing what we're made to do so that women can be "equal" to men, and young couples who dream of getting married and living life together, having a family together, come across as total morons and should be readily shut down.

Go ahead, try to convince me.  I suppose I am, to a degree, an anti-feminist.  I'm fully aware that I am just as good as those members of society with penises, but obviously, I'm not one of them!  I was made to do something different.  Now, I'm nineteen years old, okay?  I'm not an aged, wizened old woman trying to reach the world and keep things from changing... I'm part woman, part kid who is trying to figure out what on earth is going on with this crappy world.  But I'm pretty sure that I wasn't made to deny my instincts, to turn away from what my heart obviously craves and desires, even needs.  Fifty years ago, if a young woman my age thought the way I do... well, she's be idolized by every older relative she had, and they'd be so proud of their mature young woman, off to marry and raise a family of her own, playing her role in society.  Today?  Not the case.  Today, everyone apparently knows better than to waste precious time on a spouse and children, everyone knows that the most important thing in life is to get a degree and work until you die, discovering "yourself" and denying that billions of children are being raised by daycares, or in two different households at the same time, never knowing where they'll be thrown next.

Everyone tells me I'm too young, I'm not mature enough.  Well, let me tell you something.  I'm not always mature, I can admit that easily.  But go spend an hour or two at the grocery store.  Observe people at a park.  I would put money on the fact that you'll find some mother screaming at her child because the child is misbehaving and perhaps the mother is feeling some immaturity and just can't handle it.  She could be forty years old.  You can go sit on a bench on a city street, you'll see adults flicking each other off when one idiotic city driver pulls out in front of another.  You'll see grown people walk past homeless people - the ones that, when you've lived around them long enough, you can tell are real and not just out for drug money - and you can watch a college student slip a bill or two to them, or even pull them up and buy them dinner.  Who is more mature, the investment banker who walked past the homeless man with a sneer on his face, or the college kid who picked him up and dusted him off?  Who is more mature, the Wall Street mother who leaves her kid alone to throw temper tantrums because they're alone and toys can only do so much, or the nanny who shows that kid what it's like to be loved?

Now, I'm not knocking people who have higher-up jobs, I'm just trying to make a point.  If you spend your life devoted to your money, to the way you think society wants you to be, you'll end up with a pile of anguish and regret.  I don't want that.  I will have regrets, I know that.  Because let me tell you something, it is impossible to live life without one single regret.  I have a ton already, at nineteen.  But falling in love and planning to spend the rest of my life with the most amazing person I have ever met is not one of them.  Going to college for a degree that might not come to fruition the way I expect, but that makes me happy and gives me a place to be me?  Definitely not a regret.  Trying to live my life the way I think it should be lived?  Not a regret.

I'm not saying I'm perfect.  Writing a blog about others' maturity levels... probably not my most mature moment.  But I can't shake the feeling that no matter what I do, I'm never going to measure up to society, and if this is what I'm being compared to... then I don't WANT to measure up.  I want to go about my life, doing my best to live what God's set out for me.  If that means getting married at 22... bring it, baby!  If that means I don't hit Broadway... well, yes, that will be a bitter pill to swallow, but I'll bet God will make it worthwhile if I let Him.  See, the thing is, everybody seems to think that one thing or another will make them happy, will keep them from ever being miserable again.  "If I make enough money," "If I get liposuction one more time," "If I put off having kids until AFTER I have a career...."

Stop criticizing me.  Stop telling me I'm making the wrong decisions.  I'm not doing drugs, I'm not drinking away my weekends like 3/4 of the college students that you (by some freaky twist of fate) are actually proud of.  I'm not spending my whole life striving for something I'll never reach, because I know that I can reach what I'm meant to.  Stop telling me I'm living my life wrong.  It's not that I'm living it "wrong," I'm just not living it your way.  But it isn't yours to live, end of story.  If it was, my name wouldn't be Jade.  It would be something else.

And you know what?  To all of my dear friends out there who have decided that climbing the corporate ladder isn't for you: good for you.  One of the sweetest, happiest, most God-like women that I know is a stay-at-home mom with four kids who couldn't be happier and more content.  And I strive to be like her.  I strive to be like my mom, who opened her shop to fulfill one of her dreams, and who still puts her kids first.  I strive to be like Madame, who goes absolutely crazy running around doing stuff for other people, who is always there when I need someone.

When I'm forty, fifty years old, I don't want to look back with regrets.  So guess what... I'm not going to sit here and deliberately create them for myself.  And if I slow down, if I wait, if I "get my education," "have my career first," I'm going to do just that, and I refuse.  Enjoy your life and your career.  I will love having my family and waking up every day excited to see where it might take me.

Catching Up

Hello Everybody!  So,  it's been almost a year since I've written anything at all... in a diary or a blog.  Oy. I'm a little surprised that my drama queen tendencies haven't caused me to explode in all that time, haha.  But they haven't!  And here I am, drama and all, still ready to take on the world... provided someone gives me the chance!

So, here's a little recap of what's happened since I last wrote:

- I finished my freshman year with a 3.65 GPA, which led to me being invited into Phi something something... the freshmen honor society.  :)  I have accepted, the initiation ceremony is late in October!

- I stayed in D.C. over the summer and took a World Religions class, which I loved, and worked... which I loved not quite so much.  I worked at L'Occitane, a French skincare boutique, which was really cool, and met some neat people, but as things got crazier and crazier, I realized there was no way I could possibly do work (with an hour and a half commute both ways) and 20 credits of classes at the same time, it probably would have killed me.  So here I am, once again gainfully unemployed (well, I have work study, but nothing else) and going nuts with 20 music school credits - which are, by the way, totally different from regular credits.  You'd think a one credit course would result in one hour of class per week, right?  Not so in a conservatory setting.  My dance classes are one credit each, and I have two of them... I dance five hours a week.  Yep.

- I managed to complete and pay for an entire degree.  I have my certification in Bridal Consulting.  I'm not really planning to go crazy starting a business right now, but would love to gain experience, so if you plan to get married in either the DC or Central PA areas, please feel free to contact me!  For a limited time (aka until I graduate and move away), I'm going to be doing virtually free bridal consulting.  I may charge a small fee, but it'll be at about 1/10 the price you'd usually be charged.

- Speaking of things I charge for... I'm also doing photography!  Same general idea, I'm not charging a ton ($15/hr plus travel expenses), not really opening a full-blown business, just something I love doing and I'm somewhat good at.  I have a website (www.jadearwenphotography.webs.com), and you can also like my facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Jade-Arwen-Photography/185692428131369).  I did a wedding this summer and have another one in November, and I'm super excited about it!

- Peter and I are amazing.  I love him way more than I ever thought I would, and I can't wait to see where life takes us!

- I've gotten to a point where what people think doesn't really matter... because those of you who really know me realize that I'm not a crazy psycho-b****.  And those who think I am really should get to know me a little better!  At least before you go around spreading stuff and making life difficult for me.

Umm... I think that may be about it!  Lol, I'm sure I'll come up with more.  I made the advanced choir and passed my French interview, allowing me to access the top levels, which is great, but proving to be quite the challenge!  That's life for now... let's see if I can get back into this whole blogging thing.  ;)

May I just mention that I have the most amazing boy in the entire world? It's Christmas break (a real break, I don't have any work to do!), and we've spent almost every day together... it's been glorious! We talk, we laugh... on Sunday we went to see Tangled, which was hilarious! I love him... 'kay, that's all. I probably won't write again before Christmas, so if anyone actually reads this... Merry Christmas!! :D

Sooo... first solo CUA performance in, like, 5 minutes! Jinkies! I had a choir concert at the beginning of the month, but this will be my first performance I just kinda put out there... I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little nervous. All of the "big people" will be there, haha... aka the profs and the upperclassmen. And I know it's not high school, but I'm still incredibly anxiety-ridden. Ugh. But it shall be glorious, I'm sure. :P Wish me luck!

The new Christmas design of my blog is out! You know what that means... 'tis the season! I've been signing Christmas cards, making wish lists, and Peter and I are going Christmas shopping for our families' joint gifts this weekend. I've got Christmas music playing in the background as I type this, and I want more than anything to go get a Christmas tree and some lights to hang around! I love Christmas. :)

I kinda thought it would be more intense being in the city... but I haven't been out and about since Thanksgiving break yet! I'm so totally going to check out the gardens at the Smithsonian (which are apparently spectacular), and Flather's lobby is decorated. It's great! I love Christmas. :D

Ramblings

I'm sitting here talking to Mommy on Skype and waiting for Dad to get home from a board meeting (it's taking bloody forever!), so I figured I might as well ramble a bit while I'm here.

I'm sitting out in the hall because my roommate is studying. This whole roommate thing? I'm really not a huge fan... I miss being able to do whatever I want whenever I want in my own space. But oh, well... c'est la vie!

So I'm sitting in the hall talking to Momma and eating shrimp chow mein and thinking about my paper that needs written and coming home this weekend. :)

I can't wait to see my girls!! It has been waaaay too long since I've had a decent talk with my girlies (although heaven only knows Facebook has seen a deadly increase in chat drama over the past two months). I can't wait to go to Sheetz again... gosh, I miss that place! I can't believe there are no Sheetz's in DC. Seriously. Of all the things not to have... they have Wawa's, but no Sheetz. :\

I can't wait to see everyone, really. Kate and Jess and Sarah tomorrow, Sarah Haines and her baby on Saturday, Peter's family, my family, Madame... soooo many people!! :D I miss them all lots and lots, and I can't wait to be home again. I can't wait to sit down at my piano and not having to drown out any opera divas (well... except myself). I can't wait to drive again....

It's gonna be strange, though, being home. CUA isn't quite "home," but neither is Mifflinburg anymore. It's an odd position to be in, one I'm not entirely sure how to handle. But oh, well. That's why this is a "transition," I suppose, and an "adventure."

PS: The second anniversary of Peter's and my first homecoming dance is Sunday. Woot! :D

My Dear Followers (of whom I'm not sure there are very many):

Yes, it is 2 am as write this. Yes, I should be doing homework (writing a paper). Yes, I do believe I have fully transitioned into college life. :P

Things are going well... crazy, busy, but well. I have at least four classes on any given day, occasionally with no time to eat (that would be on Wednesdays). I usually have at least two papers, sometimes three, in any given week, and no choice but to do them whenever I can manage (hence the 2 am thing... believe me, I'd rather be sleeping!). I've started to do Ballroom, which I have on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I have private voice and piano lessons. My voice teacher is a legit opera singer who keeps insisting that there are about twenty different kinds of "ah..." and of course, I can't seem to pinpoint exactly the right one. Opera is hard. *Sigh.* Piano is... well, kinda a joke. My professor is amazing (he's performing at Carnegie Hall in November!), but my piano skills are less than such. I can play a lot of stuff, and I can sight read decently, but my scales are practically nonexistent and my fingering atrocious. So what do I do with my breaks? I play scales until I want to scream from boredom and frustration. And then I go do "iLrn exercises" for French. Because of course the prof can't give us textbook homework like any normal person.

Except my French prof is pretty much the most amazing person ever. He's really nice and helpful (there were a ton of mix-ups with my books, and he's been incredibly patient through the whole thing) and he was born in Martinique and grew up in Paris, so he kinda knows what he's talking about....

My English professor is also pretty amazing. He is hilarious beyond belief (he actually kinda reminds me of my daddy), also works at the Smithsonian, and has about ten different masters degrees in completely random stuff. When he lectures he draws funny pictures and diagrams on the board, and there is no possible way to take notes in his class. He gives us extra credit for going to "talks" he gives at the National Portrait Gallery... the last one was on Edgar Allan Poe, the next one coming up is on Michael Jackson, and I do believe Elvis is coming at some point. Oh, yes... the unofficial name of our course is "Rhetoric and Composition: From the Odyssey to Elvis." That's how awesome he is.

Let's see... my third favorite prof would probably be Dr. Flaim. She is an awesome teacher... although I'm not a huge fan of the multitudinous papers she requires us to write. If we go see a show (which is, of course, required) we must write about it. I wouldn't mind so much if she didn't grade them so harshly... but oh, well.

Philosophy is not my thing. I'm sorry, it's just not. I probably wouldn't mind it so much if Plato had written his thoughts into mind-blowing musical compositions and composed lyrics rather than sentences that continue for about three pages and travel in about ten different directions and fourteen circles all within those three pages (and one sentence!). Oy vay....

The awesome thing about this place is, well, the place itself for starters. A lot of weekends I tend to hole myself up in my room or in a practice room and sleep or do homework; however, I am fully aware that I am in a gorgeous city and really need to get out and do something with myself! I have caught myself feeling bored once or twice and immediately pulled up yellowpages.com, searched something out, and then went there. I've seen several of the Smithsonian museums (every exhibit at the American History Museum, most of the Natural History Museum, the Asian Art Museum, the gardens, the Castle, and the National Portrait Gallery). My favorites so far were the American history (Carol Burnett'sWent With the Wind dress!) and the gardens, which you can read about should I ever get my book published. :D I've thoroughly mastered the Metro system (for the most part, haha), although I do not like it when something is closed for track maintenance... and something is always closed for track maintenance.

I have, of course, made myself quite at home in Tenleytown (where AU is) as well, and I've snooped around multiple amazing shopping places. Favorites of those include, of course, Pentagon City, Friendship Heights, Metro Centre, and Eastern Market. Chinatown is covered with incredible restaurants (and a Rita's!). I still need to go to soooo many, many places: Arlington National Cemetery, Holocaust Museum, Mme Toussaud's, the Spy Museum... there's so much to see and do!

The fact that CUA is right in the middle of D.C. is the only amazing thing about it, though. The view of the Basilica as the sun goes down or when it's lit up at night from some areas of the campus is positively breaktaking, and the school of music itself is nothing to scoff at. Just a sampling the names dropped around here: Tom Pederson, Denise Puricelli, Ric Ryder, Norm Lewis, Parker Esse... and those are just a few of the ones who work or live here. Look them up; dead serious! Parker Esse is a Broadway dancer/choreographer who taught a master class here and told a story about Christine Baranski, who he has worked with extensively. I shook his hand. :D

Life here is pretty much amazing. There are so many things I still need to do! There's an organization called St. Ann's; it's a maternity and children's hospital/home, and CUA goes and volunteers with the kiddos there. I need to get off my duff and go, because I'm really excited about getting to work with the little ones.

My dorm, as I'm sure you've all seen on Facebook, is incredibly bright and cheery... it's a warm kinda room that people always want to come to. Everytime my door is open, I have people stopping by to check it out. :)

Life here is pretty amazing. The only thing missing is, well, everyone. I've made a ton of new friends here, and it's pretty incredible... but I miss everyone at home. It's strange going to mass and not seeing Madame or Father Bill... it's odd meeting Peter with his new haircut, always someplace other than The Corner. And seeing Kate, Jess, and Sarah online only is killin' me. I cannot wait to come home this weekend and see everyone, to sleep in my own bed, to watch the Nanny with Mommy and Daddy just like always, to sit down at my piano and play as much as I want, knowing that someone needs to hear me sing and play.

Ooh, that's another something! Peter and I decided to try to put together a busking act... jah, street performing! I finally broke down and bought the same Torch Song book that Mrs. Wagner has, and we're going to learn some of my favorites. I'm gonna sing, he'll play on his keyboard. I'm stoked!

So life is good, but I miss life. Ya know? It's definitely different... and I don't mind at all the new things I'm learning and doing... I'm just praying the old ones won't fade away.

P.S: You are allowed to comment if you actually read this thing, ya know....

First Day of Classes!!

Dear Friends,

Today is my first day of classes. I've barely had a minute to myself to write much of anything before now due to the crazy orientation stuffs here at CUA, so I thought I'd try to get a few words in before my 9am theory class this morning....

I absolutely adore CUA. It is breathtakingly beautiful (yes, I will post pictures... perhaps a photoshoot with Risa today? Or Laura? That would be fun!), has all the appearances and comforts of living in the country - I've even got those stupid cicadas outside my window - but all the convenience of a major metropolis right in my grasp. DC is a beautiful city too... and I already found a Payless. ;) Most of the buildings are absolutely beautiful. The Basilica takes your breath away... you don't have to be Catholic to revel in the magnificence of the church (although it becomes even more incredible when you understand the significance behind everything). The other main buildings are all super old-world looking, as though we were in eighteenth century London rather than modern DC. They're the typical rough stone, glorious towers and spirals... it's like have class in a bunch of mini castles. The buildings that aren't built like that are mainly the residence halls, which are brick... but that's okay, we forgive them. The other building that isn't stone is the Pryz, which is basically the student lounge/dining hall. The Pryz is incredibly modern, made almost entirely of glass windows on the open sides, which is really amazing.

There are lots of lawns and open areas, a Marian garden that is simple but beautiful, and a huge sports complex (Devante, I thought you might like that piece of information). All in all, CUA is, well, amazing. :D

I have a few people I've made friends with here, mostly musical theatre people. There's Risa, Laura, James... and Anna my roommate, although we really don't hang out, we just kinda live together, lol. So yeah... that's about it for now, I guess. Any questions, post 'em! I'm headed off to class soon. On the schedule for today: Music Theory (fml) at 9, Theatre I at 10, Women's Chorus at noon, and French at 1. After that, I'm actually free today... might go to Tenley for a USB cord at Best Buy, lol.

Tata for now!

Jade

Farewell, Little Town....

Farewell, little town,

I'll miss you dearly.

I may not miss the repugnant smell

Of manure on the hottest days of all,

Or driving behind tractors

Who don't drive but crawl,

But your laughs and smiles,

Your beauty in the fall...

Yes, these I will miss,

For you've served me well.

Farewell, little town,

Not for good,

But for all.

Farewell, sweet town,

I'll not forget you yet.

How could I forget

The sweet smell of the rain,

Or when the stars sparkle

'Through a night and not in vain.

I won't forget a thing,

My homeplace and my birth,

For it was here I became myself

With sorrow and with mirth.

Farewell, little town.

Farewell, my town,

I must now bid you adieu.

I'll return, and surely soon,

But me you'll not be able to woo.

I'm going away,

I'm flying high,

But little town,

You'll always be in the back of my mind.

You hold my heart and my every dream,

My life, my love, my every scream.

You keep my secrets and hold my fears,

But I must go,

And 'through the years

Must grow and find

And new little place,

But you, sweet little town,

I will not disgrace.

I love you all,

My hope and my joys,

My fears, my dreams,

And all destroyed.

My home is here,

And will always be,

But I must flee, little town,

I must go find me.

Farewell, little town. <3

NCIS :)

I hate the Odyssey. I love NCIS. :D

Soo... here we go. I'm still almost completely packed, haha, but refuse to be completely done yet. I still have just a few items to get, but I'm mostly ready. I can't wait! Four days, people! :D

I miss my boy though. I know he's busy and I have to accept that... it's hard because, well, it doesn't matter when I'm talking to him, where, he always has something else to do. He hung up quickly the other because his parents called and he wanted to talk to them instead. He hung up last night for, well, no good reason. I really don't want to be at the bottom of the totem pole. I hate being at the bottom of the totem pole. It sucks. I'd like to be the most important person in his life, I should be.

And this is bitchy of me, I know... is it?

Wow.

Sooo... I'm almost completely packed for college. I have no clue how everything is going to fit into the car! I've got two massive clothing bags, two normal-sized bins, two (possibly three) pretty pink storage cubes, a microwave, carpeting, a suitcase (full of stuff), a shower caddy, another box full of books and such... wow. That's a lot of stuff.

And believe it or not, I actually packed a lot less than what I've got. It's weird, packing up half of my life to take someplace completely different. I'm soo excited, I can't wait to be in the city! But it will be quite odd... the next time any of this stuff comes out of hiding will be in a teeny little college dorm room, just waiting to be used when I finally get ten seconds to breathe (and unpack!) I have the funny feeling it's gonna remain packed away for a goodly amount of time... at least a day or two, anyway.

How does one decide what to take, what to leave? You don't want to take anything incredibly valuable, just in case something happens... but neither do you want to leave everything you love at home. I packed up my scarf from Bells Are Ringing, but left my pearls in my dresser drawer for now. The question is, will I need them when it comes time for the military balls? Eh, perhaps, perhaps not. I suppose I could have Mom and Dad mail them to me.

Music, I packed my music today. I put every cd I own on my laptop so I'd have the music with me, but sheet music was a little harder. Out of my ginormous library in my bedroom I managed to narrow down the books to my favorites. It's funny, you can tell practically everything about me from the books (and music) I'm taking:

- Two binders full of sheet music

- A smaller binder with the songs I've written in it

- Three B'way compilation books

- Phantom

- Les Mis

- "Essential Keyboard Repertoire"

- Edith Piaf

- Bad Girls of the Bible

- Really Bad Girls of the Bible (if Jenn ever gives it back to me :\)

- After the Storm (romance)

- Safe Haven (romance)

- The Scarlet Pimpernel by Baroness Orczy

- Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte

- La Sante Bible

- Home: A Memoir of My Early Years by Julie Andrews

- Princess in Pink by Meg Cabot

- The Phantom of the Opera by Gaston Leroux

- The Complex Infrastrucure of the Female Mind by Reliant K

- Isabel, Crown Jewel of Castilla

- Elizabeth I, Red Rose of the House of Tudor

- Marie Antoinette, Princess of Versailles

- Lilith by George MacDonald

- Tresors du Temps (a French textbook)

- Dictionary of French Deceptive Cognates

- The Complete Works of William Shakespeare

- Two Catholic Bibles

There might be a few more undiscovered treasures that I simply must take, but I do believe that is the majority of them. So yeah... all of that packed into one little Walmart Cube. It's almost like I'm getting married, all the stuff I'm packing up... except that I'm not. :\ Lol, oh well. Eventually....

So that's about it for today. I'm still struggling through Homer... somebody should've killed this guy before he got the chance to write the bloody Odyssey. End of story. :P

Tonight... feeling a li'l bit scared about, well, everything. Mainly school. I'm excited and all, don't get me wrong... but all the typical stuff seems to be multiplying. I graduated from a teeny tiny little school in the middle of nowhere. What if everyone else is better than me? Pathetic, I know. What if I can't keep up? I couldn't even master AP Bio, I mean, c'mon! Urg... I guess I'm not really in much of a writing mood tonight. :\

A good thing: I've discovered that I actually adore the show Good Luck Charlie. It's so cute! I want to hold a baby now though....

I Is A Sleepy Girl....

Well, today was my senior recital and graduation party! It was absolutely phenomenal. :D

The recital came first. I sang quite the variety of music, from the "heart-wrenching" Send In the Clowns to the ever-popular... well... "Popular!" It was a great success, I almost wish I could do it again. But it was fun while it lasted, and I learned a lot. It was also great to get to spend the last bit of time when I'm home with so many special people.

After the recital we had the party. Mrs. Gillott came, Mrs. Wagner and Mrs. Rapson, and most of my family. It was absolutely wonderful! I will definitely upload pictures and video when I get them.

Now, however, I am so exhausted, so I am going to eat my cake and icecream and fall asleep watching The Nanny. :)

G'night all!

Sooo...

So, that resolve to post every day? Totally forgot about it until now... not that there's much to say, lol. I've been watching too much NCIS... if someone wanted to kill me, they could totally go through this page, haha.

But yeah... Sunday is my senior recital and graduation party. I'm stoked, but kinda sorta scared senseless, lol. I've never given a recital and had to perform all by myself before. But yeah.

I'll try to start this up after that... I'm far too exhausted to bother anymore right now though. :P

New Beginnings

Well, it's almost August. Almost time for back-to-school shopping... except for the first time in my life, I'm packing absolutely *everything* and moving away for more than just a weekend. This time I'm moving into a dormitory in Washington D.C. Scary, huh?

I don't remember if I wrote about college or not, lol. I'm going to Catholic University of America in D.C. for musical theatre. Heaven help me. I'm excited to be on my own, to be in one of the greatest cities in the world, and to be able to be with my boy whenever I want to be, without his parents (or mine) holding us back. I'm excited to be able to get my own apartment in two years time, to be on my own.

I'm scared senseless about being completely on my own, being in a city (I've watched a little too much NCIS perhaps), and, well, college in general. I'm going into my major with people who, for the most part, have graduated from special arts schools or programs. What if I'm no good next to them? I'm also very scared about paying for everything, and about dealing with the typical college party scene (which I will do my best to stay away from, but it is still really scary).

But I figured, although I'll certainly be on Facebook quite frequently, now is the perfect time to resume my blogging. I've gotten out of the habit of it, but this way people can easily keep track of me (also a scary thing).

So, at this point, I'm pretty much consumed with making money for school, prepping for my senior recital and graduation party, and spending as much time as possible with my boy before my life changes forever. I'm still dancing a ton, writing a good bit, and babysitting. And trying to find decent student loans. Which is what I'm doing right now. :\

So that's life. Keep checking... I'm gonna try to update daily at least. If I miss a day, well, forgive me... but now that I have my laptop I should have time. :D

Catholic!

So, it's been awhile... again.

Anyway, tonight I became Catholic. I don't remember how much I mentioned in my previous posts about my journey towards Catholicism (I think I tried to save that for my religion blog, lol), but yeah... I feel God has definitely led me to this place. I am at peace... it's a wonderful, wonderful place to be.

I'll write more later... as of now, I've had a long day and am quite sleepy! Happy Easter, everyone... God bless!

Bla bla bla....

It's been forever since I last wrote. It seems like everything and nothing has happened all at once... I'm not quite sure where to start.

Let's see... the biggest things lately... I got accepted to CUA, and I have an audition for the music theatre department there on February 6. I also managed to get a Juilliard audition! I'm going to NYC on January 23 to audition for the drama department at Juilliard. Of course, I'm crazy excited, but I'm really nervous, too. Who ever would've thought I'd be even this close to Juilliard, to my dreams? Me, a tiny little girl from a tiny little town where nothing ever happens and when going to the grocery store frequently results in multiple family and friend reunions.

Peter's proud of me, I think. I'm really not sure what's happening with us... we ended up breaking up and spending a painful two weeks apart, trying to retrieve ourselves and figure out what on earth was going on. And then, the day I got my acceptance letter, we ended up getting back together. Heaven only knows what's going on with us... I want to last forever, but I'm eighteen... he's seventeen... and forever is a long time. I know I'm stubborn enough to make it last, but is he? He says he is not looking for anyone else, but what if someone just kinda comes out of the blue and he falls head-over-heels for her? Where does that leave me?

In a rut, I guess, but not one that's impossible to get out of. I have my schooling ahead of me, and hopefully a career after that. If I manage to graduate from Juilliard's drama department, I could go so many, many places. I could travel to France or England and work overseas. Losing Peter would not be the end of the world or the end of me... just the end of the current life that I love so much. I would live. If we split up, I'd be devastated, but I would rely on God's strength... because, as I've said so many times this month, "God, give me strength, for I have none of my own."

And I know he will. He is great and mighty, and loves me more than Peter, more than my family or other friends ever will. I know this... it's just trusting it where I sometimes fall through.

Spring musical auditions are coming up. Honestly, it doesn't even seem like the fall play has happened yet! But it has, oddly enough. I was Abigail Louise Brewster, a crazy little old lady in Arsenic and Old Lace. My last fall play is over... how sad is that????

But musical will be fun, and I have a ton to do to prep for my college auditions and district choir. My life is crazy! But it is well-worth every wild moment... even the ones that I wish I could banish forever.

July

Ugh. I haven't updated this in quite awhile, I guess I should make a few notes about my life... not that there's much to note.

I've been spending a lot of time on Facebook, a sickening amount of time on Facebook. I am the *proud* owner of a farm in Farm Town, have more Bumper Stickers than would fit on an eighteen-wheeler, and couldn't fit all my Flair in my bedroom, there's so much of it. I spend my time idling the day away....

I have done some work, though. I've worked on my bedroom a little bit (and believe me, it needs it), and worked on my schoolwork. I haven't started my AP Bio stuff yet, but I'm struggling through Brave New World and the crazy amount of French stuff that Madame Gillott has given me to do. I've also been looking at college stuff... which scares me to death. I'm supposed to be working on vacation ideas for the summer, but I'm not even sure where I put the paper with the suggestions on it... I really don't even want to go on vacation. I'm going to be miserable, although it will be better if I just make up my mind to have a good time.

I've done lots of singing, piano playing (I played the whole Moonlight Sonata today, both hands!), and tons of dancing. In fact, tomorrow I'm going to AKA Dance with Miss Alicia after jazz and tap, which should be tons of fun.

I've also spent as much time as possible with Peter. I get to see him when he has off on Tuesday nights for two hours or so, and then I go to Camp K and get to see him and be with him there. For the past couple of weeks, I had Friday evenings with him... but now he doesn't get off until Saturday. So I won't see him until Saturday evenings, and then Sunday mornings for mass. This kills... I know I shouldn't complain, I get to see him so much more than so many girls get to spend time with their boys... but I miss him so much when I'm not with him. Those twenty-four and forty-two hour increments are so painful, knowing he's so close, but so far away! Near, but so untouchable....

But whatever. No moping. I've done enough of that, and I promised myself I wouldn't. I've also done some swimming, some babysitting, and lots of hanging out with Jenn and with the girls. Jenn and Becky and I are supposed to go take pictures sometime Sunday, yay! :-)

On a very random and lighthearted note, if I ever have twin daughters, I'm totally naming them Julie and Carol. Mary Carol and Ella Julie.... :-)

So, yeah, that's my life. I'm thrilled to report that my boyfriend doesn't need to do Basic Training if he gets a ROTC scholarship... according to him, anyways. Which would be good. Because it's gonna be bad enough without him....

I'm sooo sleepy... enough updating for now. My life is a thriller, let me tell you.... ;-)