Dans ma vie...

There comes a time in a girl's life when she simply does not know what to say anymore. A time when she feels somewhat lost, but at the same time, she is happier and more at home than she has ever been before. Ha. I'm there... and it's no fun.

I don't know why I feel this way, truly. I have a decent life right now. I'm crazy busy with play (we're performing Cheaper by the Dozen, in which I play Ernestine Gilbreth, the second oldest daughter and the antagonist of the play), ballet has entirely consumed my life, and school is as laborious as usual. It's not all that bad, though. I love French and Choir (of course), I'm the reporter-historian for French Club, and co-secretary for Drama Club. I actually understand Chemistry (I'm passing with an 87%), and Trigonometry is actually super, super easy. Go figure! The class I'm having the hardest time with, of all things, is *gasp* COMMUNICATIONS! What the heck? Communications has always been super simple for me, and now it's driving me nuts! It's still easy, but is soooo dull. I like what we're doing, but it's just skipping from one work to the next, no true flow or point (sorry, Ms. Faunce, but I have to be honest here). Perhaps I will like it better once we read The Scarlet Letter... I love that book!

So, seriously, I have no reason or room to complain about anything! Life is great, I'm auditioning for districts Friday, I'm going to a lecture with Mrs. Rapson on Sunday (HAL PRINCE!!!! OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!), I got to see Hamlet with my daddy last Friday (and it was absolutely incredible - I got to meet the actors!), and life should be great.

But something is strange. I cannot seem to put my finger on it, but it's as though I'm not really living my life. I feel like a ghost, just passing through an existence. It's such a strange feeling, but something is up... and I don't think it's just me and my head... there's something greater going on here, something that I don't know that I can easily control.

Perhaps it's just that I am so busy, I never have time to settle down and think for myself, or actually spend time with my family. I cannot name the last time I hung out with my extended family... I don't recall the last time I actually played with my dear cousins. I'm constantly going, going, going, and, oh, dear Lord, I have to go to college... really soon! I don't want to go to college... but I know if I don't, I will be disappointing so many, many people. I can't do that to them. But I've done a complete 180 from my position a year ago. A year ago, I couldn't wait to get out of here. Mifflinburg is so dull, there's nothing to do, it's awful, I can't wait to leave... Bla bla bla... I was so stupid! I am so stupid.

A year ago, on October 15th, I wrote this:

How many more hysterectomies do I have to deal with? I'm so afraid. Today was Aunt Caterina's hysterectomy, and I couldn't be with her, I had to be with her kids. I kept having flashbacks of the day I skipped school to stay with Megan at Hershey. I was so afraid, I felt so nervous. I didn't know if she would live or not; I had no clue how risky surgery would or wouldn't be. I didn't know if I'd ever see Megan again.

Now today, with Aunt Caterina, I knew that it wasn't going to be a huge deal. But I was still frightened and anxious... and, I'm ashamed to admit, as worried about my own future as I was her own experience. I'm afraid I'll never have children. Ever. Oh, and I also found out that my mother had a hysterectomy... and NEVER BOTHERED TO TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!!

Lately, everything from the past several years has crashing back to me. I've heard that Aunt Glenda (dare I call her that?) has moved again and that she isn't with Justin anymore. This of course, was a rumor by way of Devante, but no one else has bothered to tell me anything. I haven't seen Uncle Wally - who's technically not my uncle - since he moved. I only talked to him once. And now Nicholynn and Megan are moving even farther away, and I thought I was mature enough to deal with it. I'm not as upset as I was the first time, but I feel like a piece of me is taking a world tour... while I stay here in Boredom-Heartache County. I miss my old life. A lot.

And I miss Zack. I know Jenn thinks he's pathetic and thinks this is just a passing crush, but I think I truly love him. Would I miss him this much if I didn't? I don't think this longing, this yearning to see him again, would be possible without love.

And I long for New York. I long for my precious Broadway, for my dear, dear city.

My heart is broken into a million pieces, each one being torn a different way. Figuratively speaking, I'm hanging from a sturdy tree with a frayed rope around my neck, the very life squeezed from within me. And I just want to curl up and cry. But I don't want to cry alone.... I want to tell someone, anyone, what's happening, why I'm afraid, why I wish to get away from it all. I want to be free from all of this. I want to fly, fly as far away as possible. And, when I get wherever I'm going, I want my sweet Zack to be waiting there for me. I want the past behind me, crushed into a thousand pieces, and only our future - his, mine, and ours together as one - laid before me, a pathway of diamonds glittering in the starlight of a perfect evening. Oh, if only I could soar to my dreams, leave all that binds me, and live.... truly live.....

Wow, was I ever naive. I still feel some of the same thoughts, but I've come to grips with many things. Aunt Caterina survived. I know that my "old life" is not coming back... ever. And I'm OK with that. I have better things to do than sit around and pine over the life and the people that I've lost. There's a bumper sticker on Facebook that sums this up perfectly - "Forget about the people from your past. There's a reason they didn't make it to your future." Now, mind you, I'm not saying that I don't still love all of you (Aunt Glenda, Uncle Wally, Nicholynn, Megan, Courtney), but I know that we all have to have our lives, and I may never see you again. As I type this, I can feel my heart race as it always does before I cry... but I refuse to cry this time.

I learned that Jenn was right about Zack. He's a stupid, pompous, GAY jerk. And he was a waste of my time. All boys are a waste of my time right now. I have more important things to think about. My life does not need to be consumed with longing for something that I will never have. Mind you, if there is some wonderful gentlemen who is absolutely head over heels for me, please say something, because I do desperately need a prom date... and a few other dates wouldn't be bad, either. If, however (as my dad has often said), "You don't have anything good to say, then don't say anything at all!" I know I'm short, I know I'm not Barbie-doll skinny, I know I'm loud and obnoxious, and I know full well that I will never have sex until I'm married. So if you want any of that, get away from me.

And I've learned that there is more to life than Broadway and NYC. Don't get me wrong, I love them sooo much, and want nothing more than to play on that glorious stage someday... but when the final curtain closes, I want my parents, my friends, my teachers, my mentors... I want them all to have backstage passes so they can share in my victory, the victory that I always said could be mine. I owe my life and myself to all of them, and I cannot imagine my life without them.

So, truly, what has this long, rambling post said? I don't know, really... hopefully it has helped me realize a little more who I am, and what I am doing here... but I doubt I will ever know until I have gotten a little rest (seeing as it is 11:19 PM). So, to bed I go. I pray God's will and blessings upon you.

For tonight, je t'aime.

<3

Full Vice Presidential Debate with Gov. Palin and Sen. Biden

Go Palin! Just so you know, Palin totally kicked butt here!

Kennedy Center Honors - Julie Andrews (Part 2)

Kennedy Center Honors - Julie Andrews (Part 1)

Happy 73rd birthday to one of the most amazing ladies that history has ever produced. The queen of Broadway, the incredible, amazing Dame Julie Andrews Edwards. Julie, you will live on forever in the hearts of the people you've touched. Happy birthday!

Just Thinking

So, I went to Camp Hill with Miss Alicia today. It was the two of us along with three other girls, and another girl and her mom. But I rode up front in Miss Alicia's sweeet red sportscar, with two other girls (who were very, very sweet) in the backseat. It was great, we had a lot of fun, I got new pointe shoes, met a woman who grew up in France, and the other two girls in the backseat fell asleep on the way back, so Miss Alicia and I were talking for awhile. We talked about her life, and about my ambitions, I had a few striking realizations I'd never had before... all in all, it was an incredible day.

<3

Cell Phone!

I'm so excited! I got my first cell phone today! It's a TracFone, so I am completely in control of what I buy and use. Isn't that great???

There's more to write, but I'm too excited about my phone to even think about it right now. I'll post later.

Thinking

I hate thinking. It's frustrating. But I can't help it... I've been thinking all day. Thinking about my future, and the future of those left here without me. (Ha, am I important enough that anyone will even notice I'm gone?) But I'm thinking about colleges a lot lately, and my own future... I want to dance so badly! Dance and sing and act, I love it so, so much! But am I truly cut out for it?

I was talking to Miss Alicia tonight, me and Mom, and she said "You have to try. You don't want to look back when you're forty and fifty and wish that you had done something. You must try your best." Is my best good enough?

I also love French. Will I someday sing and dance in France? At la Palace Garnier? I wish I could be like Natalie, who is dancing and living in Germany. I would love to live and dance and sing in France! But I would miss everybody back here so much. My dear family, my precious friends, my dear mentors... I will miss Mme Gillott and Mmes Rapson and Wagner, and Miss Alicia so much! They've all had such an impact on my life. I'm truly not sure who I would be right now if not for them. They have, in very many ways, been better to me than members of my own family.

My top colleges right now are Brooklyn College (in NYC), Bishop's University (in Sherbrooke, Canada), and Dad's favorite is Ithaca University (near Erie). None of them are deathly far away, but neither are they right in my backyard. BU would be a little tricky to drive to and from, since you now need a passport to cross the border from the U.S. to Canada, and I would likely have to have duel citizenship or something. But Brooklyn is right in the center of NYC, but it's also only four hours away from home. I could easily come home on holidays (even just for a day), or come home on the weekends if I wanted to. At the same time, I would have my independence, and I could be very near Broadway.

So many thoughts... grr.

It's Been Awhile....

I haven't posted in a long time... I tend to just post stuff on Facebook and forget about this site. But, I suppose, I ought to write a detailed update (with a little more information than I can fit on Facebook).

The summer is almost over, thank goodness. I babysit three more times, and then school starts! I can't wait! I love school (and I'll be glad to have something exciting to do). This year I will be taking some really great classes, like French III, Choir, and Honors Communications III. Unfortunately, I'm also stuck taking ridiculous classes like Chemistry, Economics, and the ever-present phys. ed. I wish I could tailor my schedule to fit my needs and take more French and more music! I'm never going to be a gym teacher, I'm never going to work at NASA... I don't need those classes.

Still, it is something to look forward to, and that's more than I've had all summer. I've done nothing but sit around on my lazy butt. I've babysat every Monday and Tuesday, two little boys named Josh and Jay (ages 8 and 4, respectively). I also started taking my summer dance classes about a month ago, so I have ballet on Tuesdays from 4:30 to 6:15, and on Wednesdays from 4:30 to 6 and then an adult class from 8-9. That keeps those days busy. I've also been taking voice lessons, of course. I go to the library quite frequently, and, yes, I've read some good books. Unfortunately, reading requires that I once again sit on my bum for a very long period of time. So, I've been trying every day to go for a walk or a bike ride. I enjoy it, and since I've gotten an iPod of my own now, I have my wonderful music to listen to (all Broadway show tunes and Elvis, of course!). I try to remember my French, learn to play decent piano pieces, go to chamber choir every other Monday, and listen to musical after musical (Sweeney Todd - the original, with Angela Lansbury and George Hearn - is actually really, really good!).

Some things have kept me from being content this summer, sadly. For one, my grandfather. Jerk. No, I will not go into detail. For another, my uncle, who may have cancer, but who knows, because I found out through Mom, who found out from Grammy Pat, who found out from Aunt Glenda, who found out from Megan, who found out from her father... the originator of the story. And, of course, dampening my spirits right now, is the imminent departure of my dear sister, my best friend Jenn. I know that everyone must part eventually, but I hate it. The relationship is bound to change, and we will never be as close as we are. Heaven only knows, we may not see each other again! Whoever said "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" must have lost his marbles a long time ago. Truly, which would be harder? Not caring? Or losing everything and everyone that you love?

Oh well. Is that enough of an update? I hope so, because I haven't done much else this summer. Not anything worth noting, anyway.... Oh! I saw Mamma Mia! That was something... and it was very cool.

I also bought a bracelet to support a cause that I learned about. You pay two dollars for a handmade braided bracelet, and the money goes to girls in places like the Philippines, girls who would otherwise be surely sold as sex slaves. I thought that was pretty cool, that you could buy this bracelet and it would help these girls.

I think that's about the long and short of it. I'll update again soon....

Je t'aime!

Dans ma vie...

I went to see Pastor Bill today (of my own free will, I might add). I know I've complained on this site enough about youth group and the church, perhaps I should highlight a few of the wonderful, amazing things about Mifflinburg First Church of the Nazarene. We have some very wonderful people in the leadership here. Pastor Krell, Pastor Bill, Reva, all sorts of people who care about us. It makes me wonder how rooted in truth all of my thoughts were, or if they were (are?) just pride, stubborness, fear...?

I can't help but wonder who I am, what I am, what I belong doing. I am so stuck on my music that I can't listen for the feelings beyond the horrible din that our congregation makes when they "sing." I'm so lost in fear and self-pity that I can't see beyond myself to all of the people who are in the world needing hope. Who do I think I am?

I don't know, and I wish I did. I want to be all that God wants me to be, and I don't know how. Pastor Bill wants me to blossom into my full potential, and so do I. He'd like me to come back to youth group, and I can understand why. A big part of me wants to go back, but I don't know. I can't help but remember how I was treated in the past, and I don't want to go through that again. But I also know that I'm supposed to be a leader in the church, and there are so many people that I could help and be there for if I could just get past my own problems.

Please pray for me. I know God has to have something special for me, or I wouldn't be here. Maybe I'll touch some life, somewhere along the way, and make someone find Him. But if I'm not sure where he is myself, what am I to do??

A New Life

Just another song that has completed taken me over and describes my life so perfectly that I can't help but cry when I hear it. God, I need a new life, a new dream! Heaven help me, I hate the way I live, I need a new hope!



A new life

What I wouldn't give to have a new life!

One thing I have learned

as I go through life:

nothing is for free along the way!
A new start,

that's the thing I need

to give me new heart.

Half a chance in life

to find a new part,

just a simple role that I can play!

A new hope,

something to convince me

to renew hope!

A new day,

bright enough to help me find my way!

A new chance,

one that maybe has

a touch of romance.

Where can it be -the chance for me?

A new dream -I have one I know that very few dream.

I would like to see that overdue dream -

even though it never may come true!

A new love -

though I know there's no such thing as true love -

even so, although I never knew love,

still I feel that one dream

is my due!

A new world - this one thing I want

to ask of you, world!

Once - before it's timeto say Adieu, world!

One sweet chance to prove the cynics wrong!

A new life - more and more I'm sure

as I go through life,

just to play the game

and to pursue life - just to share its pleasures and belong!

That's what I've been here for all along!

Each day's a brand new life!

I's finded another musical! This one's called Jekyll and Hyde, and it's tres incroyable! C'est tres magnifique! I love it... I'm posting it on my vid site (www.jadevideos-inluvwitheb.blogspot.com) if you want to see it!

The End of My Life

School's over!!! In a day and a half! I'm soooo sad! I'll never have half of my amazing teachers again! I'm almost done with finals, which I'm okay with, but I don't want school to be over yet!

I love school. Call me crazy.

OMG!!!!

Oh, my gosh! You'll never believe what I got to do tonight! I was at Miss Alicia's dance recital, and I was supposed to work the follow spot... for her sister, Natalie Little! I know, I know, you probably have no clue who she is, but she is incredible! She's danced in Paris, Germany... all over! It was amazing!

I was also reading through Phantom, and her parents were both talking to me about Broadway and my dance and my dreams and... just, wow!!

"A lovely night,
A lovely night,
The finest night you know you'll ever see!"

It's Been Awhile...

It seems like ages since I last posted. Let's see, what's happened lately... concert season is finally over, dieu merci! Finals are coming up, umm....

OH!!!!!

I GOT MY PERMIT!!!!! I CAN DRIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yea, I'm pretty happy 'bout that....

Just had to post this song:

Where have all the good men gone
And where are all the gods?
Where's the street-wise Hercules
To fight the rising odds?
Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
Late at night I toss and turn and dream of what I need

[Chorus]

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night
He's gotta be strongAnd he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light
He's gotta be sureAnd it's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life

Somewhere after midnight
In my wildest fantasy
Somewhere just beyond my reach
There's someone reaching back for me
Racing on the thunder end rising with the heat
It's gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet

[Chorus]
Up where the mountains meet the heavens above
Out where the lightning splits the sea
I would swear that there's someone somewhere
Watching me
Through the wind and the chill and the rain
And the storm and the flood
I can feel his approach
Like the fire in my blood

Ma vie est tres alesage.

You know what this means? Ma vie est tres alesage. It means my life is boring. I know it shouldn't be. After all, I have chamber choir. But that's it! Nothing fun.

Oh well. The musical was amazing beyond belief. I can't copy any pictures here, but if you go to www.pianostuffs.com, you can see them. They're incredible!

So, yeah. That's about it. Blech. What a post.

MY LIFE!

Got a call from an old friend
We used to be real close
Said he couldn't go on the American way
Closed the shop, sold the house
Bought a ticket to the West Coast
Now he gives them a stand-up routine in L.A.

I don't need you to worry for me cause I'm alright
I don't want you to tell me it's time to come home
I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life
Go ahead with your own life, and leave me alone

I never said you had to offer me a second chance
I never said I was a victim of circumstance
I still belong, don't get me wrong
And you can speak your mind
But not on my time

They will tell you, you can't sleep alone in a strange place
Then they'll tell you, you can't sleep with somebody else
Ah, but sooner or later you sleep in your own space
Either way it's okay, you wake up with yourself

I don't need you to worry for me cause I'm alright
I don't want you to tell me it's time to come home
I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life
Go ahead with your own life, and leave me alone

I never said you had to offer me a second chance
I never said I was a victim of circumstance
I still belong, don't get me wrong
And you can speak your mind
But not on my time

I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life
Go ahead with your own life, and leave me alone
Keep it to yourself, it's my life!

~ Billy Joel. I love this song!

Jade is... pissed.

That's what my facebook thingie should say right now. I want out! I'm so tempted to just run from here, to get a life of my own. I want to get away from a place where all anyone cares about are stupid hikes in the woods!

I want to get to a place where I can really live my life. MINE. Not anyone else's. I don't want to have to care about how my stupid schedule affects anyone else. I want to live on my own, with no one to have to answer to but myself. I'm half tempted to... I don't know. Do something. But every time I try to do something rebellious, my parents make me undo it. Like piercing my ear. I wanted it. But they won't let me get it pierced again, and it's making me mad.

I tried running away once. Where did I run? The stupid church. Mom made me come home. Made me mad. I didn't get very far.

I hate this. Where is my relief, my way out? I don't care what it takes, I just want to get away! And I have two more years of this.

Alors, je suis fatigue...

Same as usual... no time to do anything... I skipped dinner today on accident.... I bruised my leg in musical... I'm failing biology (well, an 83%), and I stabbed my leg with a piece of metal at musical - on accident!



So, life is, once again, life.... C'est la vie, c'est la guerre, c'est la pomme de terre!