Thoughts

So much has happened, and I can't help feeling that all my thoughts and feelings are insignificant in comparison to the tragedy of this weekend...

Darren Reynolds, a classmate and friend to many people at MAHS, committed suicide on this weekend. I can't believe it... it still seems like a big joke that someone is playing on us... Darren was always nice to me, and I can't believe he's gone....

I'm missing Peter so much right now. It seems so umimportant, like he shouldn't matter at a time like this, but I want him to be here, to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay... But he's in D.C., and I'm missing him like mad...

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say, to think, to feel... what's appropriate in a situation like this? What do you say to his friends, his close friends? I'm not sure what I'm doing or why I'm doing any of it....

Heaven help us all. Rest in peace, Darren....

Dans Ma Vie

Last night was opening night of Bells Are Ringing. It was incredible! The audience was great (we had a really good crowd for a Thursday night), the performance itself was incredible....

Sigh. I love this! It's sooo much fun. When I get on that stage, nothing else matters but what is happening then and there. It doesn't matter who is in the audience... I'm not Jade, I'm Ella. I'm beautiful, I'm special, I'm important... I love performing! This is what I was made to do, I'm so sure! I love it so much, and every time I'm on that stage, I'm on cloud nine and the world is at my feet! Yet I know the show will end, and it will be back to my humdrum life.... Do I have what it takes to make this my reality for forever? Could I really make it on Broadway? Where am I going with my life?

There are so many questions and so few answers. I have at least eight years of waiting for Peter to get out of college and the army... that gives me time to go to college and try desperately for Broadway. Or maybe travel the world... go to France, to England, to all of the beautiful places I've only been able to dream of in my mind! I have so much that I could do, that I would do, if I could just get the chance....

I love the stage, I love performing... I love French, too... and I love my boy. My heart is torn between the three... I want so badly to just be me, and do everything I want to do... and I know full well that I cannot.

I just have to remember what Father Bill said in his sermon last Sunday. Don't live in the past or the future... live in the now, in the present! God gave us right now for a reason... and right now is the best time of my life. I'm performing, singing onstage the way I always want to, doing well in classes, working on SATs, and hanging out with Peter as much as possible... life is good.

<3, "Ella"

In Chem Class....

So, naughty little girl that I am, I am sitting in chem class with a laptop, updating this blog. My lab is done, Mr. Landis! I swear! Lol.

So, yeah. Just a little update... I realized as I was reading this that I never posted about musical! I can't believe I never posted this. I'm the lead! We're doing Bells Are Ringing, and I'm playing the part of Ella Peterson, the lead character!!! I'm sooo excited! I'm playing against Ryan Stush (Jeff Moss), Ben Hollenbach (Sandor Prantz), and Katie Southerton (Sue Summers). My role is definately not a soprano role, it's very mezzo or alto, in fact. But I love it, and it gives me the chance to work on my belting and acting more than my high, screaming singing, haha.

I only wish that my whole family could come see it. I know Mom and Dad and the boys will, and Aunt Caterina and Uncle Dave, and probably Grammy Pat and Aunt Glenda and Dad's parents. But Nicholynn and Megan won't be there (there's absolutely no way they'll come back here from the west coast!), and neither will Uncle Wally. I miss them....

But Peter will be there, too, my darling, darling boy. He's sick right now, and I miss him so much. Why am I so stupid? I can't help loving him, he's so sweet! But I know I will have to live without him, possibly forever. I hate the thought of losing him, but we'll both go away to college, and if our relationship survives that, heaven help me when he goes into the army! That crazy boy doesn't want to just do bootcamp and be done with it, he WANTS to go overseas... and it breaks my heart to think of what could happen to him.

The bell's gonna ring... haha, "Bells are ringing......."

Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien

RULES:
1. Put Your itunes/ipod, windows media player etc on Shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button, and the title of that song is your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS
4. Put any comments in (brackets) after the song name

Are you male or female? I Want You, I Need You, I Love You ... Elvis

What do people feel when they're around you? The Moments of Happiness ... Cats

Describe your current relationship. Life Is A Bowl of Pits ... Clue the Musical

Where would you like to be now? I'm On A Mission ... the Relations Quartet

How do you feel about love? Can You Find It In Your Heart? ... Footloose

Whats your life like? Baby Girl ... Nicole C. Mullen

What would you wish for if you had only one wish? Gimme Gimme Gimme! ... Mamma Mia

Say something wise. Javert's Suicide ... Les Miserables

If someone says "Is this okay?" You say... Learn to be Lonely ... Phantom of the Opera

How would you describe yourself? All That Jazz ... Chicago

What do you look for in a girl/guy? When A Man Loves A Woman ... Michael Bolton

How do you feel today? Take Me As I Am ... Jekyll and Hyde

What is your life's purpose? Just For This Moment ... Wicked

What is your motto? Big Shot ... Billy Joel

What do your friends think of you? I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight (HAHAHAHA)

What do you think of your parents? With One Look ... Sunset Boulevard

What do you think about very often? Pie Jesu ... Requiem

What is 2 + 2? Sylvia's Mother

What do you think of your best friend? Sometimes When We Touch

What do you think of the person you like? I Don't Know How To Love Him ... Jesus Christ Superstar

What is your life story? Friends For Life ... Beijing Masterpiece

What do you want to be when you grow up? Livin' On A Prayer ... Bon Jovi

What do you think of when you see the person you like? Overture ... Gypsy

What will you dance to at your wedding? Don't Cry For Me, Argentina ... Evita

What will they play at your funeral? The Heart of Rock 'n' Roll

What is your hobby/interest? Hymne a l'Amour ... Piaf

What is your biggest fear? Merry Christmas, Darling ... the Carpenters (fear of being alone for Christmas?)

What is your biggest secret? By the Sea ... Sweeney Todd

What do you think of your friends? When I Call on Jesus ... Nicole C. Mullen

What will you post this as? Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien ... Elaine Paige

My Life

Haven't written in awhile, should probably update you on the goings-on of my life.

Not that there's much going on, haha. It's back to school on Monday (joy unspeakable), and musical auditions this week. I hope and pray I make it!

I've spent a lot of time with Jenn and Peter this vacation. We took pictures on Thursday (Jenn took pictures of me and Peter), and it was tons of fun. He and I have been going out for about two months now (yay!), and I find myself more crazy for him every day. He's such a sweet guy, and I don't know what I ever did without him around....

Christmas is over for another year. Every year it seems it gets more and more rushed, and seems to mean less and less to so many people. Christmas is almost just another day of the year to so many people, and I hate that! Christmas is so special....

So, yeah. I'll probably post some of Jenn's incredible pictures on this blog just in case anyone actually looks at this thing, haha.

<3 for now,
Jade

In The Christmas Mood

So, as you can tell by the new background, I am very much in the Christmas mood. As I type this, I am surrounded by greenery, silvery glitter, and lots of old world Santas... Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree is blaring in the background - oh, wait - it just changed to Jingle Bell Rock. I love Christmas.

I just got back from decorating the school lobby with Peter, Mrs. Gillott, and three other Leo Club girls... hehe, I got to stand on the ladder and hang snowflakes from the ceiling, and decorate the Christmas tree, and hang lights... it was so much fun! I'm ready for hot chocolate, the nativity scene to come out, and Christkindl! I love Christmas!

Outside, the world is bleak,

There's not a flake of snow on the ground,

But the spirit's the thing we all love,

And you can see it all around.

Christmas carols are everywhere,

And it doesn't matter if you stay on pitch,

Because it's Christmas,

And everyone can sing without a hitch.

I can smell apple pie,

Christmas cookies in the oven,

Snowmen and trees and angels,

Baking by the dozen.

"Merry Christmas, Darling"

Is always in my heart

And I can't wait for the mistletoe

To be hung far above - from it, I'll not part.

In the air,

There's a feeling of joy,

A feeling of peace

For each girl and each boy.

And for those of us who know,

We are grateful for the thing

That, in this season,

Makes us sing.

We know Christ was born

To give us hope of a new day,

When together we will be

Forever and always.

We remember that He,

The Babe and the King,

Is our reason...

The only reason that we sing.

RIP

This post is to commemorate the life of Reverend Ronald D. Moss, an incredible speaker, leader, pastor, grandfather, and a wonderful man in general. We will miss you so much, Pastor Moss. I will miss you....

IT'S OFFICIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Kelly Clarkson - Because of you - Live

This is ours... we danced, and he told me special things, and I feel... delirious!

Bernadette Peters sings

Dedicated to the gentlemen who is my unexpected song. Je l'aime!

Dans ma vie...

There comes a time in a girl's life when she simply does not know what to say anymore. A time when she feels somewhat lost, but at the same time, she is happier and more at home than she has ever been before. Ha. I'm there... and it's no fun.

I don't know why I feel this way, truly. I have a decent life right now. I'm crazy busy with play (we're performing Cheaper by the Dozen, in which I play Ernestine Gilbreth, the second oldest daughter and the antagonist of the play), ballet has entirely consumed my life, and school is as laborious as usual. It's not all that bad, though. I love French and Choir (of course), I'm the reporter-historian for French Club, and co-secretary for Drama Club. I actually understand Chemistry (I'm passing with an 87%), and Trigonometry is actually super, super easy. Go figure! The class I'm having the hardest time with, of all things, is *gasp* COMMUNICATIONS! What the heck? Communications has always been super simple for me, and now it's driving me nuts! It's still easy, but is soooo dull. I like what we're doing, but it's just skipping from one work to the next, no true flow or point (sorry, Ms. Faunce, but I have to be honest here). Perhaps I will like it better once we read The Scarlet Letter... I love that book!

So, seriously, I have no reason or room to complain about anything! Life is great, I'm auditioning for districts Friday, I'm going to a lecture with Mrs. Rapson on Sunday (HAL PRINCE!!!! OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!), I got to see Hamlet with my daddy last Friday (and it was absolutely incredible - I got to meet the actors!), and life should be great.

But something is strange. I cannot seem to put my finger on it, but it's as though I'm not really living my life. I feel like a ghost, just passing through an existence. It's such a strange feeling, but something is up... and I don't think it's just me and my head... there's something greater going on here, something that I don't know that I can easily control.

Perhaps it's just that I am so busy, I never have time to settle down and think for myself, or actually spend time with my family. I cannot name the last time I hung out with my extended family... I don't recall the last time I actually played with my dear cousins. I'm constantly going, going, going, and, oh, dear Lord, I have to go to college... really soon! I don't want to go to college... but I know if I don't, I will be disappointing so many, many people. I can't do that to them. But I've done a complete 180 from my position a year ago. A year ago, I couldn't wait to get out of here. Mifflinburg is so dull, there's nothing to do, it's awful, I can't wait to leave... Bla bla bla... I was so stupid! I am so stupid.

A year ago, on October 15th, I wrote this:

How many more hysterectomies do I have to deal with? I'm so afraid. Today was Aunt Caterina's hysterectomy, and I couldn't be with her, I had to be with her kids. I kept having flashbacks of the day I skipped school to stay with Megan at Hershey. I was so afraid, I felt so nervous. I didn't know if she would live or not; I had no clue how risky surgery would or wouldn't be. I didn't know if I'd ever see Megan again.

Now today, with Aunt Caterina, I knew that it wasn't going to be a huge deal. But I was still frightened and anxious... and, I'm ashamed to admit, as worried about my own future as I was her own experience. I'm afraid I'll never have children. Ever. Oh, and I also found out that my mother had a hysterectomy... and NEVER BOTHERED TO TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!!

Lately, everything from the past several years has crashing back to me. I've heard that Aunt Glenda (dare I call her that?) has moved again and that she isn't with Justin anymore. This of course, was a rumor by way of Devante, but no one else has bothered to tell me anything. I haven't seen Uncle Wally - who's technically not my uncle - since he moved. I only talked to him once. And now Nicholynn and Megan are moving even farther away, and I thought I was mature enough to deal with it. I'm not as upset as I was the first time, but I feel like a piece of me is taking a world tour... while I stay here in Boredom-Heartache County. I miss my old life. A lot.

And I miss Zack. I know Jenn thinks he's pathetic and thinks this is just a passing crush, but I think I truly love him. Would I miss him this much if I didn't? I don't think this longing, this yearning to see him again, would be possible without love.

And I long for New York. I long for my precious Broadway, for my dear, dear city.

My heart is broken into a million pieces, each one being torn a different way. Figuratively speaking, I'm hanging from a sturdy tree with a frayed rope around my neck, the very life squeezed from within me. And I just want to curl up and cry. But I don't want to cry alone.... I want to tell someone, anyone, what's happening, why I'm afraid, why I wish to get away from it all. I want to be free from all of this. I want to fly, fly as far away as possible. And, when I get wherever I'm going, I want my sweet Zack to be waiting there for me. I want the past behind me, crushed into a thousand pieces, and only our future - his, mine, and ours together as one - laid before me, a pathway of diamonds glittering in the starlight of a perfect evening. Oh, if only I could soar to my dreams, leave all that binds me, and live.... truly live.....

Wow, was I ever naive. I still feel some of the same thoughts, but I've come to grips with many things. Aunt Caterina survived. I know that my "old life" is not coming back... ever. And I'm OK with that. I have better things to do than sit around and pine over the life and the people that I've lost. There's a bumper sticker on Facebook that sums this up perfectly - "Forget about the people from your past. There's a reason they didn't make it to your future." Now, mind you, I'm not saying that I don't still love all of you (Aunt Glenda, Uncle Wally, Nicholynn, Megan, Courtney), but I know that we all have to have our lives, and I may never see you again. As I type this, I can feel my heart race as it always does before I cry... but I refuse to cry this time.

I learned that Jenn was right about Zack. He's a stupid, pompous, GAY jerk. And he was a waste of my time. All boys are a waste of my time right now. I have more important things to think about. My life does not need to be consumed with longing for something that I will never have. Mind you, if there is some wonderful gentlemen who is absolutely head over heels for me, please say something, because I do desperately need a prom date... and a few other dates wouldn't be bad, either. If, however (as my dad has often said), "You don't have anything good to say, then don't say anything at all!" I know I'm short, I know I'm not Barbie-doll skinny, I know I'm loud and obnoxious, and I know full well that I will never have sex until I'm married. So if you want any of that, get away from me.

And I've learned that there is more to life than Broadway and NYC. Don't get me wrong, I love them sooo much, and want nothing more than to play on that glorious stage someday... but when the final curtain closes, I want my parents, my friends, my teachers, my mentors... I want them all to have backstage passes so they can share in my victory, the victory that I always said could be mine. I owe my life and myself to all of them, and I cannot imagine my life without them.

So, truly, what has this long, rambling post said? I don't know, really... hopefully it has helped me realize a little more who I am, and what I am doing here... but I doubt I will ever know until I have gotten a little rest (seeing as it is 11:19 PM). So, to bed I go. I pray God's will and blessings upon you.

For tonight, je t'aime.

<3

Full Vice Presidential Debate with Gov. Palin and Sen. Biden

Go Palin! Just so you know, Palin totally kicked butt here!

Kennedy Center Honors - Julie Andrews (Part 2)

Kennedy Center Honors - Julie Andrews (Part 1)

Happy 73rd birthday to one of the most amazing ladies that history has ever produced. The queen of Broadway, the incredible, amazing Dame Julie Andrews Edwards. Julie, you will live on forever in the hearts of the people you've touched. Happy birthday!

Just Thinking

So, I went to Camp Hill with Miss Alicia today. It was the two of us along with three other girls, and another girl and her mom. But I rode up front in Miss Alicia's sweeet red sportscar, with two other girls (who were very, very sweet) in the backseat. It was great, we had a lot of fun, I got new pointe shoes, met a woman who grew up in France, and the other two girls in the backseat fell asleep on the way back, so Miss Alicia and I were talking for awhile. We talked about her life, and about my ambitions, I had a few striking realizations I'd never had before... all in all, it was an incredible day.

<3

Cell Phone!

I'm so excited! I got my first cell phone today! It's a TracFone, so I am completely in control of what I buy and use. Isn't that great???

There's more to write, but I'm too excited about my phone to even think about it right now. I'll post later.

Thinking

I hate thinking. It's frustrating. But I can't help it... I've been thinking all day. Thinking about my future, and the future of those left here without me. (Ha, am I important enough that anyone will even notice I'm gone?) But I'm thinking about colleges a lot lately, and my own future... I want to dance so badly! Dance and sing and act, I love it so, so much! But am I truly cut out for it?

I was talking to Miss Alicia tonight, me and Mom, and she said "You have to try. You don't want to look back when you're forty and fifty and wish that you had done something. You must try your best." Is my best good enough?

I also love French. Will I someday sing and dance in France? At la Palace Garnier? I wish I could be like Natalie, who is dancing and living in Germany. I would love to live and dance and sing in France! But I would miss everybody back here so much. My dear family, my precious friends, my dear mentors... I will miss Mme Gillott and Mmes Rapson and Wagner, and Miss Alicia so much! They've all had such an impact on my life. I'm truly not sure who I would be right now if not for them. They have, in very many ways, been better to me than members of my own family.

My top colleges right now are Brooklyn College (in NYC), Bishop's University (in Sherbrooke, Canada), and Dad's favorite is Ithaca University (near Erie). None of them are deathly far away, but neither are they right in my backyard. BU would be a little tricky to drive to and from, since you now need a passport to cross the border from the U.S. to Canada, and I would likely have to have duel citizenship or something. But Brooklyn is right in the center of NYC, but it's also only four hours away from home. I could easily come home on holidays (even just for a day), or come home on the weekends if I wanted to. At the same time, I would have my independence, and I could be very near Broadway.

So many thoughts... grr.

It's Been Awhile....

I haven't posted in a long time... I tend to just post stuff on Facebook and forget about this site. But, I suppose, I ought to write a detailed update (with a little more information than I can fit on Facebook).

The summer is almost over, thank goodness. I babysit three more times, and then school starts! I can't wait! I love school (and I'll be glad to have something exciting to do). This year I will be taking some really great classes, like French III, Choir, and Honors Communications III. Unfortunately, I'm also stuck taking ridiculous classes like Chemistry, Economics, and the ever-present phys. ed. I wish I could tailor my schedule to fit my needs and take more French and more music! I'm never going to be a gym teacher, I'm never going to work at NASA... I don't need those classes.

Still, it is something to look forward to, and that's more than I've had all summer. I've done nothing but sit around on my lazy butt. I've babysat every Monday and Tuesday, two little boys named Josh and Jay (ages 8 and 4, respectively). I also started taking my summer dance classes about a month ago, so I have ballet on Tuesdays from 4:30 to 6:15, and on Wednesdays from 4:30 to 6 and then an adult class from 8-9. That keeps those days busy. I've also been taking voice lessons, of course. I go to the library quite frequently, and, yes, I've read some good books. Unfortunately, reading requires that I once again sit on my bum for a very long period of time. So, I've been trying every day to go for a walk or a bike ride. I enjoy it, and since I've gotten an iPod of my own now, I have my wonderful music to listen to (all Broadway show tunes and Elvis, of course!). I try to remember my French, learn to play decent piano pieces, go to chamber choir every other Monday, and listen to musical after musical (Sweeney Todd - the original, with Angela Lansbury and George Hearn - is actually really, really good!).

Some things have kept me from being content this summer, sadly. For one, my grandfather. Jerk. No, I will not go into detail. For another, my uncle, who may have cancer, but who knows, because I found out through Mom, who found out from Grammy Pat, who found out from Aunt Glenda, who found out from Megan, who found out from her father... the originator of the story. And, of course, dampening my spirits right now, is the imminent departure of my dear sister, my best friend Jenn. I know that everyone must part eventually, but I hate it. The relationship is bound to change, and we will never be as close as we are. Heaven only knows, we may not see each other again! Whoever said "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" must have lost his marbles a long time ago. Truly, which would be harder? Not caring? Or losing everything and everyone that you love?

Oh well. Is that enough of an update? I hope so, because I haven't done much else this summer. Not anything worth noting, anyway.... Oh! I saw Mamma Mia! That was something... and it was very cool.

I also bought a bracelet to support a cause that I learned about. You pay two dollars for a handmade braided bracelet, and the money goes to girls in places like the Philippines, girls who would otherwise be surely sold as sex slaves. I thought that was pretty cool, that you could buy this bracelet and it would help these girls.

I think that's about the long and short of it. I'll update again soon....

Je t'aime!

Dans ma vie...

I went to see Pastor Bill today (of my own free will, I might add). I know I've complained on this site enough about youth group and the church, perhaps I should highlight a few of the wonderful, amazing things about Mifflinburg First Church of the Nazarene. We have some very wonderful people in the leadership here. Pastor Krell, Pastor Bill, Reva, all sorts of people who care about us. It makes me wonder how rooted in truth all of my thoughts were, or if they were (are?) just pride, stubborness, fear...?

I can't help but wonder who I am, what I am, what I belong doing. I am so stuck on my music that I can't listen for the feelings beyond the horrible din that our congregation makes when they "sing." I'm so lost in fear and self-pity that I can't see beyond myself to all of the people who are in the world needing hope. Who do I think I am?

I don't know, and I wish I did. I want to be all that God wants me to be, and I don't know how. Pastor Bill wants me to blossom into my full potential, and so do I. He'd like me to come back to youth group, and I can understand why. A big part of me wants to go back, but I don't know. I can't help but remember how I was treated in the past, and I don't want to go through that again. But I also know that I'm supposed to be a leader in the church, and there are so many people that I could help and be there for if I could just get past my own problems.

Please pray for me. I know God has to have something special for me, or I wouldn't be here. Maybe I'll touch some life, somewhere along the way, and make someone find Him. But if I'm not sure where he is myself, what am I to do??